The Insecure Diaries According To

Realization

Its 12:00 am and realization hit me.

I saw a safety pin in my room and since I don't like needles or pins I sat down and decided to think about other stuff. That was my first mistake. You see, every time I'm left alone to think, I always think of everything. I think about my life, what I've done wrong, whats going to happen in the future, how penguins pee and poop, about high school, or even what's its like to be a giraffe etc.

Realization hit that I was bullied by everyone my whole life. Most people can say when their bullying started, I can't. Family members would tease me because I'm fat or say something about my weight or how I dressed or looked. My parents would even laugh at me when I cried..and that hurt more than anything in the world and they don't even know it.

I feel like now I know why I felt like I was never good enough- even now I feel that way! I'm scared to talk first, text first, I'm so scared if I walk up to talk to someone or ask for something I will come off as annoying, I would bother them, they would get mad at me or I would piss them off some way. I'm so scared of being rude or messing something up even at friends houses. I could know them for like forever and I would still freak out about every small thing in my mind. Its a habit or something I don't know but I can't stop it. I even freaked out because I didn't say "Thank You" to a waiter while I was on vacation.

He probably doesn't even care.

To so many people those small things are nothing but to me it's like I fuxed up my life right in front me.

I worry and freak out over so many things I don't know how to stop and I don't think I ever will... worst part I don't know how to control it and thats a big problem.

In life there comes a time when you have to do things on your own and because of all my stupid fears and me being scares and worried... I'm not ready for it, and I don't know when I'll grow out of what's been keeping me paranoid.

                -Ryanxxx