I sat in the living room with low music playing in the background. Inhaling the 5th blunt I had today I leaned my head back into the couch cushion. I closed my eyes trying to escape the haunting memory of what happened to me 4 years ago.
I took a few shots of vodka hopping that it'll take the pain some of the pain away. Help my heart feel as if it wasn't breaking no more. Tears stained my cheek and my nose stuffed with snot, I felt drained.
I was able to forget most of my past, but this event stayed with me. I couldn't find a way to get it out my head. I was drained from carrying the weight on my shoulders all the time. I stood to my feet clumsily going into my office space grabbing my notebook.
Diary entry #20
January 20, 2018
I can't get this day out of my head January 31, 2014. This day changed my life forever and I wish I could change this day.
I usually don't regret my past, but this day still haunts me to this day 4 years later. I decided that I was finally tired of being constantly abused mentally, emotionally, and physically. I had to get out of that house.
If it wasn't for me than it for my child. My son. He didn't need to be born into such a harsh environment that I felt like it was best to get away.
I was manipulated and stripped out of all the self love that I had in the relationship. He made me feel as if I was worthless and nobody was gonna love me. I tried to escape multiple times, but all to no avail.
I was tired of being tired. I just needed to get far away from him as soon as possible. There was no limits to what someone like him could do. I was scared for my life.
One night he told that he was going out with his friends, which I thought was the perfect time for me to escape. I was going back home to Dallas, leaving my dream school FAMU behind.
I secretly hidden two packed bags away. One for me and one for my son, so it was easier to get my things and leave. I waited an hour just to make sure that he didn't come back. I thought that was my opportunity. I grabbed the two bags rushing out the door as fast as my 7 month belly allowed me.
When I opened the door I noticed Mel sitting down on the steps. The look in his eyes, can still be remember till this day. His eyes were completely blank causing me to drop my bags and rush up the stairs as fast as I could.
It all happened, so fast that I couldn't comprehend it. I felt my leg being grabbed and my body falling forward straight on my stomach. I can still feel the pain of falling down shooting throughout my body.
I can still remember hoping he left me right in front of the stairs, but obviously that wasn't enough for him. He drew his leg back and constanly kicked me in my stomach. Again and Again. I tried to protect myself as much as I could with a broken arm.
Sometimes I wished that I was strong enough and not naive that I would've left. But, that is an ignorant way to thing. I know it wasn't easy to leave when the abuser constanly manupilated you. I did what I had to do and I made choices that I'm not proud of. But I'm damn sure proud of myself.
Proud that I tried to escape, proud that I was strong enough, proud that I protected myself. Proud that I proved him wrong. I showed him that I wasn't worthless ad I could be something in life. He belittled me and now i'm looking down at him shaking my head.
I made something of myself and now he's in jail rotting for what he did.
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Heavy knocking at my front door woke me up. The knocking did nothing for the terrible hangover that I was going through. I wiped the sleep from my eyes before standing to my feet walking over to the door.
Opening the door slowly I squinted my eyes shut from the bright sun. I noticed JuJu standing at the door furious about something, I stepped to the side letting her in.
"This why you ain't come to work?" She sniffed smelling the remaining smell of the weed that I just smoked.
"I'm sorry, I just had a long night." I sat on the couch rubbing my head to try and soothe the continuous banging happening.
"May this isn't good. This habit you have smoking weed and drinking when you need to get away isn't good." She looked at me with her face reading disappointment.
"I rarely do it anyway." I shrugged my shoulders sitting back onto the couch.
"That I barely do it, will turn it into always doing it. As your friend no scratch that as your sister I'm gonna make sure you get out that little habit of yours."
"It just when one thing comes to mind, I don't know how to deal with it. So I turn to drinking and smoking trying to drown out the memories." I shook my head feeling disappointment hit me.
"Try talking to Mrs. Holland I promise she'll understand. I just need for you to get better." She stood to her feet.
"I will, I promise." I gave her a big hug seeing her face scrunched up when she pulled herself away from me.
"First thing first go brush ya teeth. Ya breath kicking."
It was time for a change and I was on the mission to cut this habit of mines out of my life completely.
