Open Eyes (Phan)

Thirty Two

Dan

It's Christmas Eve.

Snow blankets the ground, smothering any sign of warmth.

Everyone in Phil's family loves snow. The house is full of smiles and talk of building a snow man today.

I hate snow. There are too many memories of being locked outside all night in below freezing temperatures with nothing but the black shirt on my back.

Remnants of my anxiety have returned. Not as bad, mind you. But my hands are shaking again when I wake up. My heart is beating faster and the voices are beginning to whisper.

One day without them and I forget how to push them to the back of my mind. I've forgotten how to tie the strings of my mask around my head.

The first panic attack of the day hits almost as soon as my eyes open. Tears well in my eyes. I try to hold down the sobs, but my shaking wakes up Phil.

"Dan? Dan, are you okay?"

I shake my head vigorously. I can't speak because air hasn't found a way to get into my lungs. Like a squirrel stuck in a tree.

Phil just pulls me into his arms and holds me until my convulsing calms to a slight tremble. Until my sobs quiet to soft whimpers. Until I can breathe again.

"Better?" He asks, pulling back to look at me. His oceans ripple with concern.

I nod.

"A little."

"Good."

Phil kisses my forehead gently. I savor the touch of his lips on my skin.

"Let's go downstairs then, okay? I'm sure my mum is making breakfast."

I nod, and let him pull me out of bed and down the stairs.

"Look, Phil!" His mum says excitedly. She has her face practically pressed to the glass of the back window. "It's snowing!"

Phil's dad, Martyn, and even his grandparents are looking outside in awe. I find myself hanging back.

With all the shaking I'm doing, and with the fear that is coursing through my limbs, I feel like I'm back to my old, broken down, pathetic self.

Phil notices that I'm still standing by the stairs and comes to stand beside me.

"What's going through your mind?" He asks.

"I'm thinking about how much I hate snow," I tell him.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

I don't really want to, but I can't tell he's trying to be there for me. Trying to be supportive and trying to encourage me to open up more.

"My step dad used to lock me outside all night in the winter. Usually when there was a blizzard. I wasn't allowed to come inside until he woke up the next morning."

I feel him grasp my hand and weave his fingers through mine. His warmth helps to thaw the frost that has collected on my joints.

I don't look over at him.

He doesn't say anything. We both stand there for a moment in a comfortable silence.

"Phil?" I start.

"Hm?"

"What are we?" My heart starts jumping in my chest when I ask the question.

"What do you mean?"

I can feel my heartbeat in my throat.

"Like, with the k-kiss. What does that make us?" I ask.

"I don't know." He says.

And then he is pulling on his coat, and telling me to put on mine.

I don't know why or what we are doing, but I oblige anyway.

We step outside and into the regular front yard. The snow is up to my ankles. I shiver slightly.

God, I hate snow. I want to go back inside. But I try to stay patient as Phil turns to face me.

I am drowning in his oceans as a hurricane rips through them. He takes my hands in his.

Then he gets down on both knees.

"Daniel Howell," He begins.

I swallow nervously.

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

And I am frozen. I am frozen and I'm melting at the same time. Hell is freezing over. Heaven as been uprooted and planted somewhere else. The Earth has been thrown out of orbit and tilted on its axis.

And then I'm smiling so widely it hurts. Tears well in my eyes because I'm so emotional about everything.

I nod. Words don't exist in my mind.

And Phil seems to understand. Because he stands up and beams at me.

He wraps me in his arms and squeezes me.

His lips find mine. His hands are on my cheeks and my arms are around him. We kiss until our fingers are numb.

"Hopefully you'll see snow differently now." He says against my lips.

When we go back inside, hand in hand, everyone is smiling at us knowingly.

"Welcome to the family, dear," Phil's mum says, hugging me tightly.

Martyn pats me on the back.

"Does that answer your question?" Phil asks, grinning from ear to ear.

I am filled with bees and butterflies that have filled up on pollen and honey.

The air tastes like the smell of coffee.

I am filled with sound of rain tapping on a window.

And I decided that it's almost perfect.

When I get a chance, I slip away from Phil and his family and pull out my phone. I text Adrian and tell him to meet me at the coffee shop tomorrow at around noon. I tell him that there is something important that I have to show him.

When the sun starts to set, I ask Phil to walk with me into town.

"What for?"

"Last minute Christmas shopping."

So we walk into town. His arm around my waist.

I buy a baking cookbook for my mum. And a journal for Adrian.

I can't tell that Phil is curious when I purchase the gifts. But he doesn't say anything as we leave the shop and head back to the regular neighborhood with a regular house and a not so regular backyard.

That night, I fall asleep with my head on Phil's chest and his arms wrapped around me.