I Hate You, I Love You

Chapter 1: "Still got sand in my sweaters from nights we don't remember"

Some people might consider me lucky. I'm good friends with "Eminem". I actually hate calling him that. We've grown up together, so to me he is Marshall. I have seen him at his lowest, and at his highest. I was actually with him when he found out he was going to record with Dr. Dre. But I've also seen him cry over Kim. He's an amazing father, and really all around human being. I consider myself lucky to know him.

Marshall has had a rough year. He took a step out of the spotlight for a while to deal with the issues he's been having. He recently divorced Kim, again. He also lost his best friend almost a year ago. No one seems to know that he's really struggling, emotionally. But see, he tells me. He cries to me and confides in me. I cherish all those moments together.

He just called me and asked me to come over, so I'm on my way there. He keeps texting me, but I'm unable to read them as I refuse to text and drive. I get to his house, park, and go inside to find him in his entry, pacing. "Marshall? What's so urgent? You cant give a bitch fifteen minutes to make the drive up here?!" I'm totally joking, like we usually do, but when he finally looks up at me, his eyes are full of tears. "Whoa. What's going on? C'mon, lets sit." I take his hand and we sit on the couch together. He kind of falls into my lap. "Man, she's trying to take 'em again." he says through tears. "Who? Take what?" I've seen him in all kinds of shape, but never this upset. "My fucking kids man! What the fuck do you think?!" He sits up to look me in my eyes, then lays right back where he was in my lap. "Marshall, you know she isn't gonna do that. Did ya fight again?" "Of course we fucking did." He gets up and starts pacing again. Taking a deep breath to regain control of his emotions. He stumbles a little over nothing, and I realize the exaggerated emotion my be because he's got a jump start on the evenings drugs without me.

In light of Marshall's recent struggles, he has developed a drug habit that has reached a little further than the occasional weed. I'm ashamed to say I have gotten pulled into this habit with him. He confided in me that getting high alone made him feel so depressed and he fully trusted me, which made me the perfect candidate to join him. I didn't know it would be going on so long or that I would become just as dependent on them as he has.

I try to remain cool. But truthfully, I was getting tired of this. It seemed he only wanted me around when he wanted to get high. I hated to admit it, but I think I am gaining feelings for him beyond a friendship. I walk up to him and clutch his shoulder to get him to stand still. "Started without me huh?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow. "I may have." he chuckles. I roll my eyes. "Where are they? And what are they?" "Um, in here, and I think its just the usual, Valium and maybe a few Vicodin. I have started to like those a little more, so there may be a few less of those." He leads me into his room where he shuts the door and locks it, probably out of habit. He hands me the baggie and I grab a few pills out. "Wait." I said before swallowing them. "What? Take the damn things." "Lets get out of here. How far to the beach?" I could tell he thought I was crazy. "Its fucking eight o'clock at night. Why the fuck would we go to a beach? You trying to drown me?" I laughed. "No, Marshall. If I wanted to drown your high ass I could probably do that in the bath tub. Don't you wanna get the fuck out of town for a while?" I ask him. He looked at me, then bust out laughing. "What the fuck ever man. Here." He hands me a set of car keys. "I don't know which fucking car that goes to, but figure it out and lets go where ever you're trying to go."

After a few hours in the car, and a food stop, we made it to a beach. Honestly, I wasn't even sure if we were in Michigan anymore. But he looked a little more relaxed already, although maybe he was about to pass out. He pulled the bag of pills out of his pocket and handed them to me. "Will ya take some now?" he asked me. "Fine." I sighed. I snatched the bag. "You need a few more than normal, Id like you to get where I am before I pass the fuck out." I shot him a look. "Okay, impatient. I got ya." I grabbed about five pills out of the bag. They all pretty much looked the same. I took his drink and swallowed them all in one gulp. "Alright. Now why the fuck you drag me all the fucking way out here anyways?" I thought about it for a minute, but my thoughts were already starting to get fuzzy. I started laughing. "Fuck if I know. Maybe I did wanna drown you." I gave him a sideways look and we both started laughing. He tackled me into the sand and was now on top of me with my wrists in his hands. "Cant fucking do shit now can ya?" he asked seductively. I shook my head, unable to form words. He starts kissing on my neck and all I can do is moan. "You want me don't ya bitch?" he asks me into my ear. I try to squirm away, but he just tightens his grip. "Answer my fucking question." he says again into my ear, this time a little louder. I nod. "Yeah, I thought you did." He reaches down with one hand and undoes my jeans. "I'm going to let you go, take off your pants." I nodded and when he let go I did exactly as I was told. I'm sure we hooked up. This was our first time ever crossing the friendship line. Afterwards, I definitely felt something in my heart for him. Everything after this was the drugs talking. We got up and are attempting to get dressed, even though there's sand everywhere. "What was up with that?" I ask, seriously confused. "Well, Livie, we fucked." he laughs. "Yeah, asshole, I get that. But you've never done that before, not with me." He looked at me. "What the fuck is this, twenty goddamn questions?" "No, but I think I'm allowed to ask why you suddenly decided to dick me down. That's all." He starts to walk away from me, throwing up his hands. "I fucking give up! You said you wanted it! You lie or something?" "No!" I shot back. "Its just," "Its what Olivia? Please don't turn this into something fucking major. It doesn't have to be a big deal." "It is a HUGE fucking deal though, Marshall! Don't you get it?!" "Get what bitch?! Spit it out!" This was probably going to end really badly. "I fucking love you okay?! Fucking happy now?!" The look on his face was priceless.

"Livie, you're fucking high still. Shut the fuck up. You don't fucking love me." "How do you know?!" My eyes were filling with tears. "Because I'm fucked up that's why! Were friends. We just get high, that's it. I don't wanna be with someone who has seen me bug the fuck out on pills!" "Well, Marshall, we didn't just get high this time. You decided to cross that line." "Hey, this ain't all on me ya know?! You could have stopped me." Marshall protested. "If you had said no I would have went and jacked off like a normal man would have." I rolled my eyes. "Well, you fucking didn't. Now what? You gonna start expecting this all the time?!" "Expecting?! I didn't expect it this time. I went for it. I didn't know you wanted me like that. How long have you felt like this Olivia?" his voice mellowed out and he was facing me. I started to walk towards him. "I don't know. I mean, having you vent to me and watch you go through so much heartache. Probably for the last year or so, if I had to guess." "I cant fucking believe you!" Marshall yelled. "You should have fucking told me!" "Why Marshall? Hmm? So you could shut me out?" He walked away again. I started to follow. "Where are you going?!" I yelled after him. He turned around just in time for me to bump into him. "I don't know. We are just drug buddies, Livie. That's it. I don't want a relationship with you. I don't know if we can even be friends now."

He went to walk away and leave me where I was standing. He turned to face me again like he forgot something. "Look, I'm going to find a hotel. I'm sober enough to drive. Where are my keys?" I tossed them to him and he caught them. "Ill get you your own room alright? Ill leave the key at the desk, so when you're ready to come in text me and I'll give you the address okay?" I nodded, unable to say anything. I watched him walk away until he got into his car and drove away. I sank into the sand and sobbed. I finally confessed I loved him and now I have a feeling he is going to push me away.