I Hate You, I Love You

Chapter 4: "Friends Can Break Your Heart too"

That was the longest flight I have every been on. I was so anxious the whole way. I had no idea what I was walking into. Plus, this being my first outing sober didn't help my nerves at all. No one knew if he was sober, so I was risking my sobriety just going to see him. But he was literally all I thought about. The last thing I told him was to be careful. I really assumed that once he heard I was in rehab he would go get help himself. During detox, picturing him going through the same things I was made the whole process a little easier and worth going through.

When we landed in Michigan, we went straight to Marshall's house. Cassie had made contact with his manager, Paul, and he said Marshall could use a visitor. When I last saw Marshall, he told me his friends didn't want to see him and I thought he was being dramatic. But even Cassie confirmed that he had been spending a majority of his days out of the hospital alone, with the exception of Kim and his kids dropping by a time or two a week. It made me feel kind of sad knowing that he really had been alone. I did leave him, but I did it for my own good, and I thought his too. I felt Cassie's cold hand on my arm. I looked over at her, and she wiped a tear off my cheek. "You okay?" she asked as we pulled to the end of Marshall's driveway and parked. I sighed. "Yeah, I think so. Just thinking about the past. I did the right thing right? Going to rehab. Leaving him so alone." "Yes, Livie, you did. You had to. You did all you could in trying to get him to go too. You cant make him do anything." I nodded. I knew she was right. But it didn't make me feel any better.

I opened the car door and got out of the car. "Cass, I think maybe you should stay." I shut the door and she came bounding around the car in protest. "Wait a minute. Do you really think this is a good idea?" I wasn't sure honestly. I was scared out of my mind. But I was hoping to connect with the old Marshall I used to know. I knew there was no chance of that if he had his guard up with someone in the room who he could tell from a mile off didn't like him. "I just need some time alone with him." I explained. "Okay, I'm right out here if you need me." I nodded and hugged her. Then I turned and walked up to Marshall's front door.

I knocked on the door, unsure if Marshall would even hear it in this huge ass house he had. But when the door opened a lady I had never seen answered. "Hello? Can I help you?" I was a bit confused. "Um, I think so. I'm looking for Marshall, he lives here, right?" the lady looked at me kind of skeptically. "He may. Who's asking?" "I'm Olivia. A friend of his. I think he knew I was coming. My friend Cassie has been talking to his manager, Paul." She looked me up and down and then closed the door. I turned to look at Cassie, who was about to get out of the car when the door opened back up. "Olivia. I'm sorry. Mr. Mathers just told me he was expecting you. Please, come in." I felt my shoulders drop as she moved out of the way and I was allowed to walk back into the familiar entryway. 

As soon as I walked in and saw everything looked exactly the same, a million emotions and memories came flooding back to me all at once. All the times I had watched him yell at Kim on the phone, the day he received the news about Proof's death- I had to almost physically pick him up off the floor. The drugs we had done, all the times we had stumbled through here going to one room or the other. I quickly walked through and into the living room where the TV was on ESPN. A little more searching, and I found Marshall, with his leg stretched out, a pillow underneath, cussing at the same TV. "Mr. Mathers, Olivia is here." the lady said. Without waiting for a reply, she excused herself from the room. He turned his head and just looked at me for what felt like ever. "Well you gonna come over here or you gonna stand there like a stupid ass?" he asked. I instantly felt at ease. He really was the same ol' Marshall. I walked around the couch and leaned down to hug him. It was really hard to let go, but he did, so I obliged. 

"Jesus, what did you do to yourself?" I asked him, kind of without thinking. "Well, thanks, I've been doing just fucking fine. Glad you asked." I couldn't help but laugh. "I'm sorry. But I've been worried about you." "Yeah? Well, I guess you have heard by now, I cant lie to ya." "You would lie?" I asked him. "This isn't my proudest moment. And you did ask me to get clean. I didn't forget that." I felt myself wanting to cry, but I held it in. "Well, please tell me after almost dying you are now." He looked down. "I was. For about three weeks. But this shit fucking hurts." he said, motioning to his knee. "They don't tell you how to get through pain without the shit you've been hooked on. Speaking of which.." he stops and pulls  out a pill bottle from in between the cushions of the couch. I didn't know what to say, so I just looked on in horror. "Don't you fucking say a word either." I looked away as he swallowed the pills, how many I don't know. "Want some?" he asked, giggling. "Hey fucker, I'm six months clean." I said, beginning to question why I came here in the first place. "Yeah? Good for fucking you. I cant deal with that shit right now." He stuck the bottle back where he was hiding it. "Marshall, I'm worried about you." I said, my voice starting to crack. "Why? You ain't been worried about me up until now." "That's not true. I talked about you in rehab every single day and-" "Oh great! Every fucking body up in there knows my shit now huh?" he cut in. His voice was beginning to sound more and more harsh. I had never heard him sound so uncaring and just mean towards me. 

"No one knows you're you, if that's all your fucking worried about. You almost died! Doesn't that mean anything to you? You have so many people who would miss you. You mean so much to so many. How have you forgotten that?" I stood up now, standing over him. "You mean the millions of fucking people I don't even fucking know?!" he shouted at me. "No! I mean you fucking family! Your friends! Me! Your mother! You hurt a lot of people with these fuckin pills! I wish you would open up your fucking eyes!" I yelled back at him. "You don't know shit about my life! You ain't fucking been around in a mother fucking year!" I took a deep breath. Calming myself and trying not to let the situation get out of hand. "I had to get my shit together Marshall. I got clean, I thought you were gonna do the same. Not almost kill yourself. I still love you. I don't want to see anything else happen to you. Don't you get  it? You matter to a lot of people, but especially to me." Tears were falling from my eyes now. "You ain't over me yet?" he said without even looking at me. "I cant love you like you want me to. Not like you claim to love me. I got too much other bullshit to sort out. Right now I'm good with shit the way it is." I was at a loss. "I know that's not true, Marshall. You may can lie to a lot of people around you, but you cant to me. I'm your Livie, I see through all that shit." He still wasn't looking up at me, and I knew this was more than likely a lost cause. "Okay, you win. You have pushed me all the way away. I cant be around you like this. Its unhealthy for me now." I'm barely able to keep myself from sobbing. I know what I have to say to him, but I feel my heart breaking at just the thought of it. "I love you, Marshall Mathers. I always have, and I probably always will. But if this is what being friends with you is going to be like then I cant do it." I had to take a breath before continuing. "I'm leaving now. Please, god, take care of yourself. If you ever need me, you know where to find me. And maybe, if I'm lucky, our paths will cross again. Until then, goodbye."

I walked back out of his front door as quickly as I could. I got back into Cassie's car only to let out all the tears I had been holding back. She tried to ask me what was wrong, but I was unable to say. I just cried the whole way home.