I Hate You, I Love You

Chapter 10: "How is it you never notice that you are slowly killing me?"

My eyes just opened. A doctor and Cassie were standing in front of me. I looked around and noticed where I was. Then I looked down and saw my wrists. I suddenly remembered what I had done, but not the actual act of doing it. I hoped I hadn't fucked up all the way like I was worrying I had. 

"Livie?" Cassie asked as she approached me. I was still afraid to say anything, so I let the doctor speak. "You gave us quite a scare there, Olivia. You did quite a number to your wrists. You had lost a good bit of blood when Mr. Mathers found you. Were going to keep you here for a few days and make sure everything is on the mend properly. But were sure you're going to make a full recovery." Cassie smiled at me and then shook hands with the doctor. She came over and sat down beside me. "So, what's going on Livie?" she asked softly. I shook my head. "I think I already know. But I want to make sure Marshall is being upfront with me." I took a deep breath. "Well, weve kinda been hooking up over the past week or so." I said. Cassie nodded. "Yeah, he told me. So I guess its true he also told you he was going to leave his girlfriend and he didn't?" I nodded, a tear rolling down my face. "I'm sorry, Cassie." I said, crying now. "I didn't mean to do this. I just didn't know what else to do. He wasn't listening to me, he didn't care." Cassie reached over and gently hugged me. "I can understand you felt hopeless and trapped, but this wasn't the answer Livie. You should have told me, I could have tried to help you." I gained control of my crying and took another deep breath. "Do you remember anything?" she asked me. I shook my head. "I know Marshall called me, and I had pills. I know he was on his way over, but I hung up and locked him out of the house." Cassie nodded. "He broke in every single door you locked. He found you. He was pretty shaken up. The pills were still on your bed, you didn't take any." I sighed. 

It was this moment when Marshall appeared in the doorway. He seemed very unsure about coming any closer. "He hasn't left." Cassie said, motioning towards him. "He's been here just as long as me determined for you to know he was here. I'll let you two have a moment." With that she excused herself and left Marshall standing in the doorway. "Well, you can come sit I don't bite." I said, trying to lighten the mood. He approached me slowly and sat where Cassie had been sitting. We both started to speak, but I let him go first. "Livie, I'm so sorry." he began. "I didn't know it was going to get so out of hand. I never wanted to hurt you, ever." He looked away and I could tell he was getting emotional. I reached for his hand. "I did this." I said. "So don't go blaming yourself, I know how you are." He looked back at me. "I cant help it. If I would have quit fucking around then you never would have done this." "Marshall, I did this because I am a sick person. I wanted to hurt you. And for that, I'm sorry." 

We sat there in silence for a moment. "Finding you like that was the scariest shit I've ever done in my entire life. It's gonna stick with me for a long time." he finally said. "You really shouldn't have done this because of me." I shook my head and said "You really don't get it huh?" "Get what?" "That I don't just say I love you out of habit, or because you're my best friend, or because it sounds good. I say it because I actually am one hundred precent totally and completely in love with you. It hasn't changed since that night on the beach and I don't think it ever will. I just wish you would quit running from it." He stood up, and began to pace like the creature of habit he was. I couldn't help but smirk slightly. "You're gonna make me say it aint ya?" he asked. I became confused. "I guess because I have no idea what youre talking about." He groaned. "Don't you get it? Everyone I love leaves me." He stopped talking, but not pacing. "I loved Kim, and look and what a fuck fest that was. We couldn't quit sleeping around on each other long enough to actually treat each other the right way. I'm sure I loved my dad too. But that motherfucker didn't stick around long enough to even know me. I love doody too but-" he stopped talking and pacing. I knew this was still a sore spot.

I sat up in bed which got his attention. "Marshall, I'm not any of those people. I have loved you all these years and no matter where time has taken us I have always found my way back to you. Isn't that saying something?" He thought for a second, before looking me in my eyes, the first time since he came into my room. He then came back over to me and sat down. "I know you're probably right. But I'm still scared out of my fucking mind." I wished I wasn't stuck in this bed, because I was finding it hard to comfort him. Before I could say anything he said, "I broke up with my girlfriend." I looked at him. "I'm sorry? Did I hear that right?" I asked, half joking. "Yeah, I broke up with her. She came up here earlier trying to start some shit because I was here for you. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I told her to go to hell." I chuckled. "Okay, well I'm sorry?" I offered, trying to be sincere. "Don't be. I guess she wasn't who I thought she was." he said. "So I hate to just brush her off, but where does this leave us?" I asked. "Lets just get you out of here, and then I promise we'll discuss it." He said, holding my hand. "Right now, I just wanna make completely sure youre gonna be okay."