I Hate You, I Love You

Chapter 6: "I cant put nobody else above you"

Its been about a week since I showed Marshall and Paul the studio. It took about three days for all the paperwork to go through and they pretty much instantly started moving into it and getting it situated. Finally, I got the text from Marshall I had been dreading. He told me the day of the party which was  coming up tomorrow. I made sure to ask if I could bring a plus one, because I didn't wanna go to this thing  alone. So I made Cassie go with me.

"What kind of party is this?" she asked when I called to ask her to go. "I don't know I have never been to one. Marshall doesn't appear to get out of sweats much these days, so don't worry about it too much. I just don't wanna meet his girlfriend alone." Cassie huffed into the phone. "You're meeting his girlfriend? Why on earth would you do that?" I sighed. I don't know why I was doing it. "Because he asked me too, I guess." I replied. "Believe me, I'm not thrilled about it." "Here's an idea," she said, "lets just not go. I literally have nothing to wear." I giggled. Cassie isn't one to usually stress over looks. "Cass, it isn't that big of a deal. I'm just wearing a cocktail dress. It isn't anything to worry too much over." "Fine. I'll go. You owe me." she said finally. "I always owe you." I said. "Thank you."

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The party wasn't at the studio like one would think, it was at a fancy hotel. A hotel with a ballroom. We walked up to the front door where there was a doorman checking people in. When we got past the front door, we went into the ballroom and it was a beautiful setup. Dim lighting and huge chandeliers everywhere. I began to feel a little out of my league. I realized I had been gripping Cassie's arm with all my strength. She hit me lightly with her other hand to get my attention. "I'm sorry." I whispered, "I'm so scared to see Marshall in here. He's very affectionate, I don't know if I can take seeing that." Cassie glared at me. "Then why the fuck are we here?" she asked me. "I'm just trying to be a good friend." I replied. Cassie just shook her head.

After being there for about a hour I thought I would never see him. Just as I had let my guard down, I saw them. Marshall and a beautiful brunette were in the corner. She, too, was wearing a cocktail dress. He had good taste, she was much prettier than I was. As much pain as I felt in my heart I couldn't look away from them. Then I saw them kiss. 

I made a mad dash for the nearest exit, feeling like I could pass out at any moment. I stood in the courtyard, taking in the cool night air. I felt a touch on my shoulder. I turned around and Marshall was standing there. "Hey, I've been looking for you." he said, completely clueless to the million different emotions running through my mind. I wanted to cuss him out, kiss him, and punch him all at the same time. "Yeah, here I am." I said, offering him a halfway smile. It was all I could muster, and even that was painful. "Well, if you'll stay right here I'll go get my girl and-" I grabbed his hand to keep him from walking away. This stopped him mid sentence. "I need just a minute before you go doing all that." I said, taking in a deep breath. He was studying my face, trying to figure out what I was feeling. I was putting on my best poker face. 

We sat on a nearby bench by a fountain. "You alright?" he asked, not being able to crack my code. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just-" I started to tell him what I was thinking, but thought it may be a bad idea. "Just, what?" he asked. I shook my head. "Livie, you can tell me whatever it is you're thinking." I looked at him, his face screaming sincerity. "Do you ever think about the old days?" I asked him. "Old days? Like how far back you talking?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow. "I don't know, like that night on the beach." Marshall had his head propped on his hand, looking at me. "Why would I think about that? Besides we were both high as hell." "I know, but don't you remember what happened?" He sat up straight. "Yeah, I do. I was a dick to you. I'm sorry for that." "Its okay. I mean, in rehab I forgave you for all of that. But that's also the night I fell in love with you." "Livie," he started to get up, but I grabbed his hand again. "Where are you going?" I asked. "Livie, I'm trying monogamy. You should too." "I'm single, Marshall. Sit back down. When are you ever going to acknowledge how I feel?" He looked down at me. "I cant." he said. "Can't? Can't what?" Marshall shook his head. "I am in a relationship. I can't drag her into my fucked up past. It's the past. I thought you would have gotten over this by now." "You think I'm just going to up and get over you overnight?" I asked him, starting to get annoyed. "Overnight? Its been ten fucking years Livie! You haven't had to deal with me for ten fucking years. I would think that's enough time to get over me." Now I'm shaking my head. "Maybe this was a bad idea." Marshall said after a few minutes. "Maybe I shouldn't have asked you here. I didn't know you felt like this still." 

I'm ashamed at what I did next. I stood up, and without thinking I kissed him with everything I had in me. I knew we could be caught. I knew his girl could come out looking for him. None of this mattered to me. Touching his soft lips against mine instantly took the pain I felt in my heart away. I could tell he didn't want to kiss me back, he fought at first. But then he slowly gave in, and before I knew it we were doing much more than just kissing. He took my hand and led me off behind the hotel where no one would find us. We made out and explored each others bodies until we couldn't take anymore pleasure. 

Afterwards, we began getting dressed again and the realization of what just happened hit Marshall. "What the fuck did I just do?" he asked me, panic in his voice. "Should I spell it out for you?" I replied, leaning in to kiss him again. He moved out of my reach. "No. I'm trying this new thing where I don't fuck over every girl I'm with." he said sharply. "Maybe Marshall, we're meant to be. Did you ever think about that? Besides, I love you. Why would you wanna start over with anyone else when you could be with me?" Marshall yelled out in frustration. "Because, Livie. She's a good fucking woman. She don't deserve this bullshit." He starts pacing, just like he used to do way back when. "Have you ever thought," he began "that maybe, just maybe were better off as friends? I mean, all this time and we still cant get this fucking shit right." I reached across his feet and grabbed my dress to slip it back on. "I get it Marshall." I said, getting up to dust myself off. I turned to walk away. "Hold on just a fucking minute. You fucking ambushed me, and you're the one pissed off?" he asked, still stunned. "You didn't have to go right into fucking me! If you're so goddamn happy with your 'girl' then you would have pulled away and told me to fuck off!" I yelled. "How in the fuck did this become my fault?! You have got to be fucking kidding me!" he was yelling now. "No I'm not!" I screamed, matching his volume. "You fucking know how I feel! So why keep going? I know why." I said. "Please! Enlighten me!" he shouted back at me. "You love me too. If you didn't you wouldn't be fighting this so hard. You've always been fucking stubborn." He just stood there, not saying anything. So I lowered my voice. "Marshall, I cant keep doing this. I cant put anyone else above you. You know that. I'm sorry I ambushed you. But I cant help the way I feel." I started to cry, but instead of waiting for him to comfort me, I just left him there.

I went into the closest bathroom and checked my hair, and fixed my makeup. After I quit crying, I gathered myself and went back into the party. I found Cassie and she instantly knew something was wrong. Before she could ask me any questions, I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the party. In the car she said "You okay?" I shrugged. "I might have fucked up." I said to her. "What happened? Do I need to kick his ass?" she asked, and I couldn't help but laugh. "No. I just wanna go home and drown myself in some ice cream or something." Cassie nodded and without anymore questions she started the car and we left the party.