I Hate You, I Love You

Chapter 3: "Do you miss me like I miss you?"

2008- around the time of Marshall's overdose

I have been in rehab for six months. The worst of it is long past. I was glad to be past it too. I generally felt much happier. I had more energy, and I didn't wake up everyday feeling like I had a hangover from hell. I seemed to be on the right track to go home. Being in Miami was nice, but I missed Michigan a lot.

Today was visitation. Cassie, my friend who brought me up here, was coming to see me. I had only written and received letters from her in the last six months, so to hug her again was something I was really excited about. Just then I heard a knock on my door. I opened it and my counselor was standing there beaming. "Olivia, I think you have a visitor." I nodded and she walked me into a meeting room where my friend was standing there. We both cried and hugged. She pulled back and looked me up and down. "You look amazing!" she shouted as she grabbed me again. My counselor then tapped me on my shoulder. "Olivia, you have about a hour okay? If you need me I'll be in my office." I nodded and she left the room, closing the door behind her. We sat on the couch in the room and bean catching up. "You look so good. I'm amazed." she said. "Well, getting clean will do that. Plus, they are pretty strict. Dieting, exercising. But I needed all of it. I feel so much better." "Oh, Livie, I'm so glad to hear you say that." Cassie said. "I actually got some news right before I came up here. I'm debating if I should tell you." I tilted my head a little. "Well, I cant go get high, if that's what you're worried about. What's it about?" She looked down at the ground before saying "Marshall." I felt my chest tighten and my heart stop beating. "What about him Cass?" She looked up and saw the panic in my face. "He overdosed Livie. Apparently it was pretty scary." I felt my eyes fill with tears. "What-, How-, Is he-" Cassie grabbed my hand. "He's okay now. It was a pretty rough road. He's doing a lot of therapy. He was in a coma for a while." I drew in a sigh of relief. "How did you know? Did you go see him?" She shook her head. "No. You know I don't like him for getting you hooked on this stuff. But his manager told me. He knew you were in rehab and you were good friends." "Well, I need to see him." I said, standing up. "Livie, you're barely six months sober. You think its a good idea to put yourself through that?" I shrugged. "I don't care Cass. He needs me. I need him. He's all I've thought about. I was hoping he was going through the same journey I was, not getting in deeper. Maybe I can talk some sense into him." Cassie grabbed my arm. "Livie, how many times did I try to talk you into rehab? Many. You know that's only something he's going to do if he wants to." I knew deep down she was right, but the emotional part of me that I had repressed all this time, the part that still loved him, wasn't going to rest until I saw him with my own two eyes.

Before Cassie had a chance to react I walked out of the visitation room and into my counselor's office. "Olivia? Is everything okay?" she asked me, completely clueless to what I was about to ask. "I need to be given permission to travel to Michigan. I have a friend who is just out of the hospital who I need to see, like yesterday." She looked alarmed at my sudden panic. "Have a seat, Olivia, lets discuss this rationally." I was getting irritated. "This isn't something I need to talk out. Its either a yes or a no." I said firmly. "Well, without much info, I would have to say no. That's your hometown, and there will be lots of triggers there." I growled in frustration. "I don't have time for this!" I shouted. Security appeared at the door and I quickly simmered down. "I'm sorry." I said, "but this person means a lot to me, I cant just not be there for him now." 

The counselor looked up at me when I said this. "Him? This wouldn't be the man who you blame for your addiction would it?" I looked away. "Maybe." I muttered. "Olivia, you know I definitely cannot approve a trip for something like that. That is putting your sobriety at risk." I shook my head. "Fine then." I said. "I'm here on my own. If you wont let me go then I'm checking out." The counselor stood up. "Olivia, please don't make a decision irrationally." I turned and walked out of her office. 

I went back into the visitation room where Cassie was still sitting. "I'm leaving." I said, and walked past her to my room to pack. "You're what?!" she shouted after me. I heard her run after me. "Olivia!" she yelled again. I turned to see her charging towards me. "I cannot in good faith let you do this. This could be tragic for you and your health." I rolled my eyes. "I have been completed the program." I reminded her. "I'm only here because I wanted to be. Marshall needs me. I have to go to him. You can help me, or I'll call my mom to send me some money so I can go on my own." She shook her head. "I swear on everything right now, if that man sends you into a spiral, I will kill him." "Fine!" I said. "Can you pack while I go check myself out? I don know how long it will take." She agreed and with that I began the journey to see Marshall again for the first time in about a year.