I Hate You, I Love You

Chapter 2: "I got these feelings but you never mind that shit"

I never made it to the hotel. I woke up bright and early to the sun and a police officer asking me if I was homeless. "No." I said, squinting up at him. "I was out here late, and fell asleep. I'm on my way home now." I went to stand up, but staggered a little. Just as the officer was going to ask me if I had been drinking Marshall showed up. "She's with me, Officer. She's chill." The officer walked away and I was again blinded by the sun. He gave me his hand and helped me off the ground. "Were going home, but you ain't getting in my escalade with all that sand on your ass." My expression towards him didn't change. "You gonna freak out and blow the rape whistle if I try to get some of this off?" I knew he was trying to break the ice, but I was still kind of mad. "No." I said, flatly. He began trying to brush off the sand. "You're lucky the hotel gave me my money back. You hate me that much that you would rather sleep in the sand?" "No offense, Marshall, but I don't really wanna talk. I just wanna go home." "Alright. Fine." he opened to door for me and I climbed into his car.

About halfway through the drive, Marshall tried to talk to me again. "It don't have to be like this ya know?" he said. "Like what?" I replied. "You're the one who said you didn't think we could be friends." "Ugh, I know what I said. I was mad, shocked, and still a little high. You're a big part of the reason why I haven't offed myself yet. I cant just not talk to you." I looked over at him, softening my expression. "You've thought about suicide?" I asked him. "Well, yeah, a couple times. You seem to be the only one who gives a fuck about me. But we ain't getting into no relationship. That'll ruin everything between us." "Why do you automatically assume the worst? You just said I'm the only one who gives a fuck about you. Isn't that exactly the person you would wanna be exclusive with?" Marshall shook his head. "No. I told you, I'm fucked up. I'm not dragging you even more into my shit than I already have. I screw up your damn life enough don't you think?" I was starting to get mad again. "Did you ever stop to fucking think you're not ruining it? Maybe you make it better?" "How? How the fuck do I and my depressive ass make your life better? My own fucking friends don't wanna be around me! But I'm supposed to believe I make your  life better?" I had had enough. "You know what Marshall?! No, you fucking don't. Is that what the fuck you wanna hear?!" 

We stopped at a red light. I opened the car door and got out. I was done with all of this. Him trying to talk me out of my feelings, us getting high, fighting with him. Everything used to be so simple. I heard him pull into a nearby store parking lot and practically run after me. "Livie, what the fuck are you doing? In rush hour traffic?! Get back in the damn car. I'll take you home." "Fuck you, Marshall. I don't wanna go anywhere with you." I was still walking, and had heard his heavy footsteps behind me until that very moment when I heard them stop. I turned, and he was frozen in his tracks. "That's it huh? You done with ol' Marshall huh?" he asked me. "I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting with you. I wish I never would have said anything to you about how I feel. I just-" my voice broke as I began to cry. He came towards me. He gabbed me by my waist and pulled me into a hug. His scent overtook everything about the moment, its the strongest memory I have of him.

"I'll pretend I heard nothing if it helps." he said, trying to make me feel better. "No. Marshall, I'm done with this. Let's get clean. The pills are bound to catch up to us. As it is, all I wanna do all the time is get high. I cant take it anymore." I started crying again, but he let me go. "Who put you on to this bullshit huh?" I stopped crying and looked at him. "What the fuck are you talking about?" "Get clean? You ain't never said shit about getting clean before. Who's idea was this?" "Nobody's. I am seriously done. I feel like shit everyday. I want to do something with my life before I get too old. You don't want me. So maybe I need to move on." He just looked at me. Like maybe he was trying to make sure he didn't forget me. "Fuck you Olivia. I can stop whenever I wanna. I don't wanna right now." 

This hurt me. But I felt like I had no other choice. "Okay, Marshall. I respect your decision. I am going to find another way home. But I need to tell you I love you okay? I really do love you, all of you. Please, god, be careful. If you're not going to get clean, be smart. I couldn't live with myself if anything were to happen to you." Before he had a chance to respond, I kissed him. And I turned and walked away from him for what I thought would be forever.