Behind the Curtain - Heathers

I Am Damaged

Dick heard the door being thrown open as his foot left the solid flooring of the roof, and just as he was about to fully let gravity do its job he felt a force pull him back onto the roof. He fell back onto the rooftop and Babs let out a relieved sigh from beneath him. He didn't even look at her as he stood back up, moving back over to the edge,

"Why did you do that?" He asked and even he could hear how tired his voice was, hear it all come to life for her.

"To stop you from killing yourself," Babs got out between pants.

"Why would you want to do that?" He asked.

"Because you don't deserve to die," Babs explained as she stood up to face him, "You may be an absolute dickhead at the moment, but you don't deserve to die."

"You don't understand," Dick explained, turning away to look at the gathering crowd come to watch the spectacle, "You couldn't."

"Try me," She said as she stepped closer to him, "I'm sure I will."

He looked at her, his face devoid of any emotions, and he knew that she could see this wasn't his choice anymore, it had to be done, and he didn't care. But he wanted to talk to her, to let it all out, to at least let one person know how he was feeling.

"I can't feel anything," He explained at last, "Happiness, sadness, not even anger. Haly might be dead, and I can't find it in myself to care. The only thing I can feel is this love for Zee, and it's driving me insane. It has no rhyme or reason, she doesn't even want to be around me. She slept with me once and then just didn't care after that. So why can the only thing I feel be love for her?"

"You must really love her then," Babs said, turning to look away from him, another person he had hurt without even meaning to, "You didn't mean it with me."

Dick actually felt some surprise, an image flashing across his vision again of him and Babs, but it was gone as soon as it came, "I didn't mean what with you?"

"The kiss, at the gala?" She said, "Or am I that forgettable?"

He couldn't remember anything like that at all, trying and failing to tell her he knew what she was talking about, but she spoke before he had the chance, "Fine, then I guess we can both jump together."

"No," He said as he grabbed her wrist, "You don't deserve to die."

"Really, because I was living for you," She burst out, her tears falling freely, "I may pretend my life is great but it's not. I barely ever see my dad because he has to work all day and all night shifts just so we can eat every day. I may attend a private school, but it doesn't mean I'm any good, I fail half my classes but I brush it off because you probably wouldn't want to be friends with a failure. I have had this debate with myself so many time, so don't think you're the only one who wants to die, but I didn't act on it because I had something worth living for. You. Because I love you." She paused for a moment, "I love you, Dick. All your faults, all your wrongdoings, even with the stunt you pulled on me at the gala to only hook up with Zatanna the next day. And I'm always going to love you because that just doesn't go away, no matter how hard I want it to. No matter how much I know you don't love me back. So if you die, I guess you kill me anyway, whether or not I jump."

Dick didn't know what to say to that, he never knew this about her, never knew how hard she had it.

"I'm sorry," Dick said and they settled into silence, just looking at each other.

He heard a voice then, Zee's, "Removere a caritate ratio" and felt himself go blank for a second, and then everything became clear. Bruce and Megan had been right, Zee had put him under a spell. He never had loved her really, it was all artifical. And he had been an asshole to the one he really loved during that time. He turned his attention towards the door to see Zee standing there, tears on her face and gave her the most grateful look he could as she turned to go. But just removing that didn't change why he had come up here. What he had to do.

"Dick-" Babs started as she saw the thoughts cross his mind.

"I'm so sorry Babs," He said, looking down at the drop, it was suddenly so much harder to make the step, but he had to, it was the only way to end his pain, to end her pain, "I do remember that kiss. It was the best kiss of my life, I'll never forget it. And I do love you as well. I've always loved you, but I hurt you. For weeks I've just blown you off and you don't deserve that. Not you, you deserve someone who can give you so much more. You can't change my mind. I have to do this, it's the only way."

"Then I have to do it with you," Babs said, "You can't change mine."

"Please," He started but she cut him off.

"I don't care about what kind of tricks you want to try and pull now, saying you love me again isn't going to get me to let you go," She argued and Dick felt his heart drop, of course she would think it's a trick after last time, he couldn't blame her, "I'm following you, whatever you do next, I'm coming with you."

"Then one final parting gift," He said and turned to her.

"One final parting gift," She repeated.

He kissed her. He didn't care that she might not want it anymore, it was the only gift he had to give her before they both stepped over, and it just felt right that this was how they went out. In each others embrace as lovers are often found. It was full of passion and longing for something they could never have. And he was glad that would be her final memory, that was the happiness she deserved. They pulled apart and looked at each other a moment, their hands interlinking.

"Ready?" Dick asked as they turned back over the edge.

"Ready," Babs replied and he took a step over the edge again.

"Wait," Babs cried, catching him just before he dropped all his weight over nothingness and he came back onto the platform to look at her, "I can't. I can't. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," He said, "I'm not afraid."

"Will you walk me back down?" Babs asked, "I don't want to walk down by myself."

He felt the promise of a smile at her antics, of getting him down safely, and maybe it was worth it. Maybe he could take her advice, find something to live for. And that something was her.

"Only if you promise not to let me fall over the railing," He said.

"I promise," She said and they walked away from the edge.