Is This True?

Chapter 32

~One year later~

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Light raindrops softly pattered against my apartment window. It was a dreary kind of day, the kind where you want to curl up with a blanket on the couch. It was the kind of day where you want to hold a cup of warm coffee in one hand and a good book in the other. It was quite peaceful, just hearing the soft pitter-patter on my window. Watching the raindrops fall so slowly on my window made it seem like perhaps the sky was sad too. Growing up, that's what I always believed. A soft rumble of thunder then clapped across the sky. This meant the sky was angry. Or so, I believed. 

I had just finished preparing and eating supper. Dishes were scattered over my island as I hadn't wiped anything down yet. Absentmindedly, I brushed off some crumbs onto the floor with my hand. In the process, I accidentally knocked off a sauce-covered spatula. 

"Oh shoot," I tore my gaze off my laptop to bend over to pick up the spatula. Alfredo sauce had splattered on the floor and the sides of my cabinets. One of my favorite meals was fettuccine alfredo, and I figured out a really good recipe for the sauce. It was almost as good as Olive Garden but not quite. It was a work in progress.

 Sighing, I grab some damp paper towels and scrub the floor. After I think I got everything clean, I sit on my barstool to stare at my laptop. I had been staring at my screen for hours. My eyes were so red and dry, but I couldn't peel my gaze away. Recently, I just published a brand new novel. Yes, I am a renowned author now. After everything my friends and I went through, I felt like I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. It had just impacted my life so much, that I felt like it was eating away at me. I wanted to share my story with the world. I knew I was taking a risk by being open and vulnerable about a controversial topic, but I realized, I'd rather be honest than lie to myself. I didn't want to lie to myself that I was fine and that I wasn't affected by what happened. It was honestly life-changing. I'll admit, that I still have nightmares, but after writing and publishing a book about my experience, I feel a lot better. There are still the occasional anxiety and panic attacks, but I've been seeing a therapist regularly for that. The trauma doesn't go completely away, but with time, it heals a little bit. 

It's been over a year now since it last happened. A year ago. Do I still think it could happen again? Yes. Yes, I do believe it could happen again. Am I sometimes on edge and feel fearful? Yes. Yes, I do. I have been living on my own for a while now. I have an apartment here back in Iowa. I didn't necessarily leave the state; however, I did leave my job. I'll admit, I thought I was going to love being a detective, but I didn't want to put myself through it anymore. I couldn't walk through those doors without thinking of my past. I couldn't stop thinking about Denise and how I trusted her. How was I to know she was involved in all this? How could all these little things be tied together? I couldn't understand. I still don't. 

And then, I couldn't stop thinking about something else. I couldn't stop thinking about him.

I couldn't walk through those doors without seeing his bright teasing smile. I couldn't sit through those meetings without hearing that name. That nickname. Sunshine. 

I couldn't get out of my head how he saved my life. Twice. I could remember staring blindly up at the ceiling when I thought I'd gotten shot. I remember him gazing over me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I couldn't get out of my head how he sacrificed himself for me. To take a bullet for me. Honestly, I thought he was dead. I could remember the feeling in my chest. I could remember my stomach dropping and heart-shattering in a million pieces. I could feel the light inside me burn out just like a candle. I couldn't stop thinking of how selfish he was to leave. He wouldn't stay with me, and to this day, it still hurts me. I didn't understand. I still don't.