The Love Affair

Chapter Twenty Eight

It was torture pretending that everything was going alright. Literal  torture. For four weeks, I had acted as if I had never meant Shane. That our  affair had never come to play. It was difficult knowing he was only next door and the odd time I did go and happen to glance out the front window, and conveniently catch a glimpse of him passing by in his convertible, made my mouth dry.

How could I just forget? Forget the way he made me feel. It didn't seem possible. But I managed somehow. After-all, I had slipped back into some old routine of the past. I was trying with Nick again. Trying to search for that fuzzy, warm feeling, hoping it had been lying dormant in the pits of my mind and would soon resurface, but it didn't. So, pretending seemed my own route forward. Each and every day, I tried to be my old self. I would bring up old memories or scavenge for bits and bobs around the house that reminded me of the old Rose. I would have sex with Nick, pretending that I enjoyed it. We went on a couple dates, the cinema, a fancy restaurant and on one occasion we went bowling. I acted as if everything was alright. And when Nick brought up the topic of kids, I would lie, still refusing to take myself off the pill. Sooner or later, he would become suspicious. Perhaps concerned for our fertility. But for now, I wasn't going to stop.

It's not like I didn't enjoy being with Nick. We did have a couple good times throughout those four weeks, times where I was genuinely happy. Just last week, he'd gotten that promotion he'd been working non-stop for and I was beyond proud of him. And the week before that, we were in hysterics over some Facebook video a friend shared. And on one of the days, we were just cuddling on the sofa sharing a bowl of popcorn as we watched tv, enjoying one another's company. So, it wasn't like I hated being around his presence or felt completely obliged to pretend to like spending time with him. The problem was, I just wasn't romantically attracted to him anymore. Instead, I was starting to see Nick more as my best friend, someone who I could laugh, mess about with and be there for. I think I was starting to convince myself more and more each day though, that I could in fact fall in love once again with him.

There was also another problem besides the nagging guilt consistently pinging at the back of my mind. I hadn't written a word for four weeks. Nothing. I didn't know what to add. How to finish it. Pete had been already calling me asking whether it was done yet. The publishers were on the phone to him most days, keen to have my book ready for publication. But it just wasn't done. I had tried. But I would just remain sat at my desk, staring blankly at the blinking cursor hoping I would form a word or two. And the hours would tick by and sure enough, Nick would return home from work and I'd become distracted with whatever he had planned.

I had even last Saturday attempted to make amends with Regina. I invited her over for a cooked meal, apologised for my behaviour, hoping it would reassure Nick. He was grateful. And to be honest, I had enjoyed even if it was only pretend, acting like his old wife again. The old me.

But despite all of that. I still longed for him.

***

I was looking through my tax sheets. It was Sunday. We were in the month of November. It was the afternoon, we spent the majority of the morning doing window-shopping, only purchasing some cheap candles from a homeware store. And now we home, Nick was flicking through channels on the tv whilst I did the worst task of all. Taxes.

"Hun, you know who we haven't heard from in a while," he piped up, placing the grey remote on the arm of the leather sofa.

"Who?"

"Shane, the neighbour. I think the last time...was when you went to his company's party. I wonder how he's doing," Nick replied, throwing my anxiety on edge. I pressed my lips tightly together as I tried to demand my mind to settle down and focus on something else. "Do you want me to invite him around for dinner tonight?" he added.