The Love Affair

Chapter Thirty Nine

How are you supposed to just start over? Is there just a refresh button you press which magically erases the past allowing you to move forward? Or do you ask for three wishes granted by a genie? Like how can I just accept the past and move forward? I'm divorced, I'm no longer interested pursuing things with Shane and I've quite possibly eradicated my career from publishing a hopeless love affair based off my own happenings. How do people do it? Especially those who genuinely can go numb and act as if everything is peachy? For the past two weeks, I've been up, memories and thoughts clattering my mind, forcing me to stay awake. Every time I close my eyes it feels like a huge weight is sat on my chest, suffocating me slowly. And now today has come.

The person stood before me in the vanity mirror is a stranger. Dark bags under her eyes, a lost look embracing her face and not an ounce of hope left. She's completely gone. Yet, she has to pretend everything is okay. I'm dreading it. I'm not sure I can go through with it. My dependence on Nick was more than apparent. I couldn't even go to my own book signing without him. The man who loved me, supported me and would chase the stars for me was absent from this important day. He would be there. Stood right behind me, reassuring me, softly squeezing my shoulders, gently kissing my neck and looking at my reflection through the mirror. I can hear him muttering terms of endearments.

"You've got this babe. You're incredible. I'm so proud of you," I hear him say.

Nothing but a fragmented memory. There's no one stood behind me. It's just me, alone, in my bedroom, wondering who on earth that person is staring right back at them. A stranger. Nothing but a stranger.

I miss his reassurance. I depended on it and without, I'm not sure I can go through with this. He's always been there. And what if no one turns up. What if my audience are offended, disgusted I could write a horrible affair that tears apart a couple, from a selfish mistake? How am I going to do this?

It must have taken me an extra twenty minutes to eat. The coffee was cold by the time I had went to take a swig. I can't really recall when I had last properly eaten. Most nights I had survived on soup, a crumb of bread or one bite of chicken refusing to feed myself with constant guilt ringing in the back of my mind. I think I'm doing it deliberately, starving myself to teach myself a lesson. As after-all, I don't deserve redemption, I don't deserve a second chance at happiness. I've destroyed Nick's, Angie's and even Shane's. I'm a horrible human being.

Now I sit at a wooden table, my published books stacked aside me, a black pen in front of me and a glass of water to the left of me, wondering how on earth I'm going to get through this. There's no getting out of this. There's a line of people stood up out the front waiting eagerly. My credentials on a poster in the bookstore window revealing my debut and my agent, Peter, briefing the security guard and bookstore manager on final details before the event officially starts. I'm clicking the pen anxiously, bouncing my knees and shuffling about in my chair. Nick's nowhere to be seen. Not like before. Not like the occasions where he would be standing by my side, supporting me, calming my nerves with a joke or two. No, Nick isn't here. It's just me. For once, just me. I have to depend on myself. No one else.

I think it came to be at that moment, when the doors suddenly opened revealing a formal line of people queuing in to approach me, that I had never been truly independent. When me and Nick first got together, we did everything together. Our plans, our decisions were a union. The books before this one? All influenced by Nick. I mean they were literally our relationship, just overly exaggerated for appeal. I just hadn't realised it till now. Nick. Everything was Nick, Nick, Nick. I don't think I've ever done something without Nick by my side. And it felt strangely empowering to be sat at that table alone. I could do this. Get today over and done with.