The Love Affair

Chapter Thirty Seven

I must have looked so pathetic yesterday, pleading for Nick to talk things over. What was clearer now was that things were truly done between me and him. If I had an ounce of optimism left within me that was truly extinguished. And why should I care? I was free. You got what you wanted, Rose. You are free from your marriage; you can be with Shane. But those thoughts just sounded stupid.

I hated how I could talk to no one except my therapist. I missed Angie. But I couldn't talk to her, I wasn't sure if things could ever be amended. We hadn't spoken weeks. Would she ever forgive me? The thought had crossed my mind to contact her, my fingers had hovered the call button a couple times but each time I'd curl them back in defence knowing she wouldn't answer.

At eleven later that morning, I was taking out the recycling bin when I spotted Shane at the end of my driveway. I froze in my steps. It hadn't even been a week since admitting my affair to Nick and asking Shane for space, but it felt like an eternity since I had laid eyes upon the man, I had tangled myself with in the sheets of the bed. The only trouble was I just wasn't quite sure I could look at him the same way. Andrea. Goddamit. The woman who looked a spitting image of me. The woman he probably saw when he looks at me.

"Can we talk?" he said quietly when I broke our trance and headed down the driveway to put the bins out ready for the binmen.

"I don't think now's a good time, Shane," I muttered, ignoring his exasperated expression.

"Never is a good time with you. I know-I know, it has only been days but please, Rose. You can't just shut me out. We need to talk. I can't sleep at night. I can't eat. I love you, Rose," he said, pleading for me to stop and listen.

I sighed. Those three words, 'I love you'. I would have melted on the spot any other day but they just sounded alien to me. "Shane, I just don't know...what I want anymore," I replied truthfully, running my right hand through my bedraggled brown locks.

"What do you mean?" he quizzed. "About us?"

"I-I-I, yes!" I snapped lightly, frustrated at how pushy he was becoming by the seconds. He went to grasp my hand but I pulled back. "Shane, I just—"

"—Rose, you can't tell me you don't want this, what we have," he interrupted, "you love me, don't you?"

I pressed my lips together holding back tears as I paused for a second or two. I was contemplating it, wasn't I? That's why it was taking me longer to reply.

"Rose?"

"I just don't know anymore, Shane," I quickly said, "it's hard for me to bypass how every second I look at you, I just see Andrea. I just can't believe in my heart that you truly do see me and not her! And things with Nick, I can't just move on. Not yet. This is all a mess," I explained, feeling suffocated as my throat croaked back tears. I span on my heels as I stalked back up my driveway.

"Rose, I told you. I'm over Andrea. Why would have I said anything if I weren't telling the truth? I'm in love with you, Rose," he yelled back. I looked over my shoulder for a second, he was following hot on my pursuit. Heading straight into the threshold, I went to shut the door but he snaked himself in, shutting it behind him as we both stood there in tension.

"Rose," he began again, "I could have never told you. Surely, then I'd be lying." Tears were brimming within his eyes as he suddenly collapsed to his knees and looked up to me. "Please, I don't want to lose you."

I swallowed hard. I just didn't know what to think. My heart wasn't even sure.

"Please," he begged, crawling on his knees over to me. I just stood there. Not even pushing him away as he sank his head into my stomach, his arms wrapped around my waist. I felt numb. Almost detached from my own body watching the scene from above.

In seconds I suddenly began to crave attention. Any.

Dropping down to my knees, I slid my hands to his face, caressing my thumbs across his cheeks before darting my lips to his. It was like a hunger had been lit inside within me. I wasn't even sure what it wanted but I lost all logic as he kissed me desperately back, the taste of his tears wriggling through our connected lips onto the tip of my tongue. His hands wrapped themselves around my waist as we wrestled for air, our tongues sliding over one another in a mini combat of their own. I let him slide my blue t-shirt off, detach my bra clasp and let his greedy eyes, mouth, take whatever path they wanted across my naked breasts. My back automatically arched back as my eyes looked up the ceiling. The hunger wasn't dying. It wanted more and more.

Not even a moment later, our clothes came off before our naked bodies clashed in a heated dance. Deeper and deeper, he gave me it all. He wanted me to feel him. Feel only him inside me. My nails clawed into his back, my moans growing louder and louder as the intoxication washed all over me. I didn't want it to stop. I was just so hungry.

"Rose," he moaned in my ear as he collapsed in bliss across my body. Nothing but our heavy panting echoed across the corridor walls. He slid out of me and fell back onto his back aside me. But I wanted more. I couldn't explain what had taken me over me but I sat up, straddled over him and let my mouth guide me to his throbbing dick.

It didn't stop there. We had sex again. Then we were having sex upstairs in my bed. It just didn't stop. I craved it. Nothing mattered but feeding my hunger. And she was like a monster. She didn't care about the emotional wreck I was carrying. She wanted it all. And I loved every second, I loved how his hands explored my body, how his lips kissed my numb lips and the way my name rolled off his tongue. I felt worshipped. All those worries disappeared feeling every inch of me thundered with power.

Don't stop.

~~~

I sat up, looking to the right of me at the sight of Shane softly asleep aside me. I sighed gently before slowly sliding off the bed. Grabbing my dressing gown from off the floor, I wrapped it around my naked body before disappearing out the bedroom and heading downstairs to feed my second craving, a cigarette.

The taste of nicotine instantly calmed me.

Something was clearer to me.

I hadn't wanted sex because of him. I had sex for me. The truth. I exhaled, a puff of smoke fleeting from my lips. I had been selfish. My inner voice sneered at me. You've just used him.

And I couldn't even deny that. In that moment, I hadn't felt love blossoming and bringing together, no, I just felt infatuation. An infatuation of lust. The hunger, the monster craved attention. Any at that point. Did that mean I didn't love him? Was my heart trying to tell me something? 

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