My first times

My first quarrel

2018. January 25.

I've been trhough a rough week and not at all successfully. This job hunting stuff isn't my cup of tea, especially because even to leave the flat is a struggle. Priest Joseph gentled me that in a city of 2 million dwellers, a skinny little girl won't be noticed which I'm determined to make sure of. Besides I had interviews to attand.
I hate to admit this, but I always get anxious and my speech is barely comprehensible, and due to my behaviour the companies don't tend to call me back or answer my emails about the applications. The more disappointed I got, the more insecure I am and unfortunately today wasn't an exception. Above all I quarelled with Kazimier.

This time it was his turn not to notice me entering the flat, and I unintentionally overheard him speaking on the phone.
- Thanks, bro but I'll pass. I'm not up to it that's all. - his tune sounded just as annoyed as when he speaks to me. - For Elias' sake? Screw you!
Elias?
Maybe this name is more popular than I thought.
- Yeah, I know... - he sighed and stepped in the opposite direction, so I tried to tiptoe to my room but he heard me. - Fine, we'll speak later.
Then he hanged up.
- Hannah? Hey, are you already back?
- I-I didn't want to interrupt you.
- Seriously?! You're not a damn criminal to sneak into your own flat for Christ's sake! Why do you bear yourself like you don't belong here? - he asked. He snapped at me, although his face showed more then just anger, but sadness and disappointment maybe even in himself.
Still his question...why do i? Because I don't belong here. Because I'm the monster my parents used to hunt down and kill.
- I'm sorry.
- you're always saying sorry. It's not enough! It's been a month and you're doing what? Watch TV shows and cook? Bloody hell, Hannah.
He's right, I do that. I'm useless.
- I'm sorry. I try my best. - I shrugged, I was on the verge of crying. Why is he so angry at me suddenly?
- Don't fucking apologise. Just don't.

I can't make a single thing except saying sorry. I'm a disappointment, only an apology of what I've become.
- I...okay. - I whispered.
- Could you even live by yourself? -He dressed me like a helpless baby. I'm 19. - Could you?
- I couldn't. I can't live.
I'm dead.
He fell in silence and I left without saying a word.
It was too much.
I had to calm down, so I shut my door and intstinctively reached for my pair of ballett shoes. I pluged in my earphones and started to practice next to my bed. There's not so much place but I use it to the full. My hand was shaking, I was afraid of another panick attack. Finally I heard him knock.
- Hannah? Erm... - I turned around when he opened the door but tripped over my bag and miserably fell literally into his arms. He laughed it off but I felt awkward since my face turned red. - I owe you an apology. I'm sorry, didn't mean to hurt you, it's just a stressful date for me.
- Can I ask why?
- Do you remember when I told you I lost someone? He died on this day 10 years ago.
- I'm sorry. I should't ask. - I covered my face with my hands.
- it's fine I told you. Hannah?
- Yes?
- Your shoes... - he eventuelly noticed. - You dance?
- Only used to. I didn't have a lesson in 5 years.
- Intresting. - he said.
I sit on my bed and draw my legs up to my stomack. I truly behave like a child.
- And how was your interview?
- Awful. I'm sorry. I'm really useless.
- Hey, I meant what I said about apologies.
I sat there for a few minutes before I looked at him seriously.
- I won't fucking apologise to you then. - he glared at me, shook his head in surprise that he actually heard me swear. He was laughing.
- good night, Hannah.
- Good night.