My first times

My first Chritmas!

2014. December 25.

   Today I have so much to write about!
It should be Boxing Day but in Hungary we give our gifts to each other on 24th so today I'm going to chill out, watch some movies and yeah. I should talk about Christmas.
    First of all I played on the organ during the mass. We were super catious because that was the first time that I was among so many people and stuff. It was truly beautiful. Nevertheless it felt totally different than the past year's celebrations, I was almost as excited as a child. I was so looking forward to it! Like it would be my debut or something. I did even speak to some members of the assembly and I managed it without any trouble.
   After the mass we went home, - I started to call the house home by the way, not sure wether I mentioned it or not - and we ate soup, stuffed cabbage, then cake which I can proudly say were all cooked by me. I finished the leftover this morning, haha.
   And the gifts! I really knitted the scarf and Priest Joseph looked lovely in it. In return he handed me a pink box with a cute ribbon. I laughed a bit when I saw it because it's totally my style. At least  it was. Now I don't wear harsh colours which would let people easily spot me in a crowd and draw attantion to me but still I'm all for girly stuff. Ballett shoes were hidden in the box, which I couldn't thank enough. I immediately tried it on and even did some of the positions. Priest Joseph said it's fascinating how talented I am and I should go for it. I'm quite insecure about this, though.
   Soon I realised his true surpise was nothing but the huge sacrifice he made for me: he refused to celebrate with his family just to make sure I won't be alone and kept me in company until dawn.
   Lastly one little but odd thing concers me...
We were talking about Christmas and baby Jesus, all of these stuff when he said my death was only a second birth, and as a man who had a terrible accident and has to learn to walk again, I have to grow up and learn to live again. Built up myself and my life because this is why I'm still here. And when I die - finally - I will be able to get through Heaven's gates. But this is all just a theory, eventually we'll see if it's true or not.
I'm still not fine but I'm hopefully getting there.
   Also Christmas was a bit melancholic. My Dad always took me for a walk before we get to the table to eat and we had our own jokes, Mommy never really understood. Christmas was fun. And that fun is just simply gone. Nothing is only fun anymore, because there is this dark, emerging pain... priest Joseph said, for me it's going to be harder because with my second birth as he calls it, I not only carry my own, but my killer's sins and wounds which would scare me to actually start living. To step out of my frozen time.
   But which scares me more is that he has greater plans for me, for my future. I know that for a fact from the letter he recieved a few days ago. I asked who sent it and he replied with kind of a promise: "Kazimier. He's a good folk. You're almost the same age, and I hope  that maybe he can help you out some day." He smiled. I wonder what he meant by that. And more importantly who is that stranger who may help me and in what way?