DarahMuda // 5SOS

Tonight

Benar.

Benar apa yang dikatakan fangirl tadi sore di kafe. And they're not just put theory, but proof in it. There are some pictures of Luke and 'the girl' caught by amateur. Di luar bar, di luar mobil, in the party, bahkan beberapa rekaman insta story teman-teman Luke, dan sebuah foto bareng keluarga yang di post si cewek juga ada.

I feel like stupid dumb trash right now. How could i never realize, when this girl was that close with Luke. When some of their friends are mine too. Like, where the heck am i going this far?? I always thinking i put my eyes on Luke. I know what he's doing every time he moves, cause i've always think he's mine... Once. Before i realize, i'm the one who get dumped by him.

I thought, i'm the one who played and fooled him to make me win. I thought, i'm the one who play dirty and use him as a ragdoll. I thought, i was really wicked bad bitch. I thought.. i thought he's the one who fight for me. But no. The truth screams, it is a big NO.

How funny is this? To see myself get trapped in my own game?

Namanya terpampang besar di layar, sebuah panggilan masuk. Butuh beberapa deringan hingga gue lempar ponsel itu menjauh. I don't want another heartless misery, Luke.

I tried to sleep, I have. But my head keeps killing me inside. I can't breathe when i'm trying to. I can't cry when i want to. I can't think straight, when i have to. I'm not the commander of my body no more. They do rebellion to get rid off this pain.

But am i in agony yet? Am i really feel pain yet? Or is it just me, who mad from being cheating by someone who deserves the crown from winning the game? A stupid love game! As long as i can remember.. i said, i never really love him, right? So, why should i act like this? Maybe it's just revenge from plot twist story that i ignored?

I need to laugh.

Cause i know, what should i feel right now is a release. I should never feel the guilt no more. I'm not the one who cheating and gambling. He did me dirty aswell. What a fair game.

I need to laugh.

Gue pun bangkit dari kasur yang biasanya ramai dengan obrolan-obrolan sampah Al dan Kana, kini hanya gue sendiri di dalamnya. Di luar kamar pun sepi. Biasanya ada saja teriakan Ash dan gelak tawanya. Michael yang dipaksa memindahkan game set ke ruang tengah agar Kana bisa ikut main, dan perdebatan mereka yang tak pernah usai. Ada Cal yang bersenandung dengan gitarnya di sofa, atau meja makan, atau bar dapur, atau bahkan di dekat kolam renang, serta Al yang selalu di sampingnya. Lalu ada Luke.. yang selalu terlihat tenang dan damai dalam posisinya. Dan gue.. yang selalu merusak ketenangan miliknya.

Rumah ini terlalu sepi, hingga rasanya ini bukan tempat yang sama ketika 5SOS dan 3Geez dulu bertengkar dan bersenda gurau. Where are they?

I just need to laugh, but how could it be this damn hard?

Entah bagaimana ceritanya, tapi tangan gue udah membuka kenop pintu kamar itu. Dengan keberanian yang gue gak ngerti dari mana asalnya, pintu itu gue dorong hingga wujud sang pemilik tampak. Dia berada di atas kasur, bersender di head-board, with phone in his hand, and messy curly hair.

"I've been calling you.," ucapnya terdengar begitu innocent. Seolah mengingatkan gue akan dosa karena telah mengabaikan ratusan teleponnya dari kemaren malam.

Entah adrenalin dari mana, tapi tubuh gue sudah berhasil terbaring di samping Luke dengan bisep tangan kanannya sebagai bantal kepala. Tak ada respon yang diberikannya untuk beberapa saat, namun kemudian i can feel his body moves to mine, we're spooning. Perlahan his another hand make a trace in my hair. Begitu perlahan, hingga rasanya he cherish every moment that he makes.

Rasa itu muncul lagi. Pesona menenangkan yang hanya Luke seorang memilikinya. Sesuatu yang gak mungkin gue dapatkan dari orang lain. Dan sesuatu yang gak mungkin gue tolak. For right now, i just wanna laying like a child and his arms.

"I miss you," bisik suara lembut itu. "So bad."

Merasakan semua ketulusan ini membuat gue kembali berpikir, mana mungkin Luke who the one who cheats on me? It really feels like, i'm the one who did him dirty, no matter what. He couldn't be the one who's villain in this story.

I can feel he kissed my hair down to my neck. My body shivering. I can feel the tears coming. I don't wanna cry tonight. No, not in front of him.

"I'm tired," suara parau gue memberhentikan Luke untuk berbuat lebih jauh.

He kissed my hair and going closer to my ear, "Are you going to sleep?"

Gue menggangguk pelan. I have to.

Luke's hand pull me closer to him before he gives me the last kiss. "Okay, let's go to sleep then."

Lampu utama dimatikan, menyisakan lampu tidur yang temaram. I'm in his arms, but all i can think is him do the same shit with another girl, in another place. Knowing i'm not the only one. There's another who can feel his gentle touch when i'm not around, while i'm thinking he's all mine.

Is she make you feel good?

Is she doing you right?

Is she there when you need her?

Is she act like a soft woman?

Is her touch drive you crazy?

Is she smell good?

Is she warm you up all night?

Is she make you hard?

Is she better than me?

Is she.. what you need?

I could just cry like a mad woman thinking about her in this bed with him. But I can't and I won't.

"Luke," i called him in my desperate voice.

Luke hanya bergumam. Getaran suaranya sampai ke leher gue, yang hanya semakin melemahkan keberanian gue. There are so many questions in my head waiting to speak out, but I keep being a coward right now. I don't know what keep holding me back. The answer would come, or the truth about my feelings toward it?

Who is she?

Where did you meet her?

When did you know her?

What is your feeling toward her?

How do you treat her around?

Why in the hell you fckn keep me while you already had her?!

"Luke," i could just give up.

Gumaman lainnya diberikan Luke.

"Whatever happen tonight, in this room, me and you. Whatever gonna happen. Whatever was happen. Promise me," gue mendelikkan kepala gue untuk bisa melihat wajah Luke.

Dengan temaramnya penerangan ruangan, i can see his blue eyes open, has no idea what i'm saying.

"Promise me," tegas gue lagi. "That we will forget every single shit tomorrow."

Luke menatap gue cukup lama, mempertimbangkan tawaran memaksa yang gue berikan. Dengan satu kedipan lambat, Luke menyerah, "I promise."

There's something release in me, but triggered the others. With all the consequences that i'm ready to take, i can feel the tension.

"I promise."

There and there, all the shit happen. Our body tied in sound and promises.

***

H3h3, ayoloh..

H .x