Writings of a not so typical teenage girl

6

I told you earlier that my story with Lila deserved it's own entry, here it is. Obviously, this is dedicated to her. Scratch that, this whole journal is dedicated to her, because she's the reason I'm even here to write it.

Now, before I start, I want to clear something up. The notion that having love, in itself, can fix mental illness, is false. Love doesn't cover mental illness, it gives you the strength and motivation to fight it. That's what Lila has done for me.

If you're reading this Lila, prepare for me to expose how incredible of person you are, and you can't fight it. Also, I love you.

So, let's start with the fact I haven't met her in person. She lives in another country. Yes, we met online. Before you start saying, "oh Lanier, that's not safe. She could be cat-fishing you," I've already made sure she's not secretly a forty year old man. Now, if she was, I could name this book, "becoming best friends with my 40 year old stalker."

Anyway, we met in 2017. We were in this group chat where we all talked about fandoms and celebrities we liked. You might be surprised that it actually took us awhile to start talking one-on-one. She used to be that person I got along with great...when we were in a group. Outside of that group chat, we didn't talk much.

I wanted to talk to her, but she intimidated me. Not because she was scary, but because she seemed so cool, and she had a lot of friends already. I felt like she wouldn't really care to talk to me. Besides, I'm extremely awkward and bad at small talk.

If you remember, later that year is when my depression started getting bad, and that's when we started talking. I don't remember how we started talking, but I remember when we started getting close.

One day, I was having a horrible day with depression. I was lying in bed all day, rotating between sleeping the pain away, and crying. I felt utterly hopeless, and I didn't know who to turn to.

I knew Lila had said things on her account about mental illness, so I thought maybe I could talk to her. I went to my dm with her and typed something along the lines of, "can I talk to you?" I was debating with myself on whether or not to send it and bother her with my problems.

I was set on leaving her alone, but my thumb hit send anyway. The second it sent, I immediately regretted it and hated myself. I was full of anxiety waiting to see if she would answer. She did.

She said, "of course," and asked me what was going on. Hesitantly, I told her I felt depressed. She was surprised at first. She told me I didn't come across as someone who was struggling that way. Probably because I tend to make everything a joke. I want to make people happy, even if I'm not.

She talked with me and helped me to calm down. I felt comforted knowing someone was there, that someone was listening. Of course, I didn't have any idea what extent that would go to, that she would end up being there through a lot more than just one bad day. I've always found it a bit poetic, that a person who lives so far away, would be the one I felt closest to.

After that, we quickly got closer and closer. I remember one night she texted me at 9 o'clock at night (which was 4:00 in the morning for her) that she was having a panic attack. I told her I was here if I could help, and we talked on the phone for the first time.

In general, I'm anxious on the phone, but considering she was coming to me needing help, I was extremely flustered. Eventually, I relaxed a little bit, and we started to just talk and get her mind off anxiety.

More and more we had instances like this. We opened up to each other about our struggles because we knew the other person understood. More importantly, we knew what we said didn't change how we saw each other. On my part, when she opened up to me I only thought more highly of her.

She's so involved in looking out for other people that she can forget to look out for herself as well. I've always admired her selflessness, but someone has to look out for her too. So, I try my best to do just that.

The bond we have from helping each other through our dark times definitely contributed to how close we've become, but that's not the sole reason she's my best friend. I believe that in any universe or alternate reality I would meet her and we'd have the same type of bond. Why do I say this? Because in whatever world we meet in, despite whatever our lives look like, I know she'd be there for me and I'd be there for her.

Now that you've had a glimpse at our story (and there's more of it to come) you can better understand what comes next.

This was a longer chapter but I hope you enjoyed it.
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I hope you have a good day 💕