Just A Suicidal Flower

a broken bleeding heart

as a bee,
you were supposed to fertilize me.
spread my pollen
all over
continue the circle of life.

oh, don't get me wrong,
you did that all right.
except
instead of spreading just my pollen
you spread
my guts
my brain
my heart
everywhere
for everyone to see.

you spread my guts-
you twisted my stomach,
knotted my intestines,
squeezed my lungs,
punched my liver,
until the pain i felt
was not even pain at all
but just
normal feelings.

you spread my brain-
you filled it with kind words,
pretty words,
feel-good-words,
that changed into other words,
sexy words,
you're-an-object words,
that changed into bad words,
hateful words,
you-are-just-a-rich-white-bitch-looking-for-attention words.
these words became my norm-
i believed them
and no one
not even my gardeners
could tell me otherwise.

you spread my heart-
i gave it to you,
i put my whole,
red,
beating,
bruised heart
into your open hands,
and you squashed it
like a human would a bee.
and you stabbed it
like a warrior would an enemy.
and you ripped it open
like a wolf would its prey.
and you killed it
like the moon does the sun.

you spread them everywhere-
my abused body,
my abused mind,
my abused heart-
for everyone to see,
and then-
oh, and then-
you took your stinger
and you plunged it right into my chest
making me
unable to breathe
unable to speak
unable to love
unable to trust
unable to accept
unable to believe
anything other than you
and your words
and your so-called love,
and your judgement,
and your acceptance,
and your actions.