Living on borrowed light...

This mortal coil.

~Having finally arrived where the festivities were taking place we got out of the car, Jen quickly grabbed her shawl and we headed to the gate where all the lights and noise were coming from. Walking in I could hear people laughing, loud carnival music and rides, and I could smell the food. To our left as we walked in was the bar we heard about on the radio, people were sitting outside at tables and the inside looked dimly lit, but I could also see a dance floor. As we kept walking we could see the deck people were sitting on reached around and connected to a dock that lead to the water which was also lit up with beautiful string lights. There was a long pier that looked really nice, I made a mental point of going down there at some point tonight. The water shimmered and reflected all the beautiful shades of everything around it, which was more noticeable since the sun had now set. We walked up to a booth to get a bracelets so we didn't have to keep going for tickets, both Jen and I paid for ours separately. I let Jen lead since I was still nervous, excited she spoke " Yo nerd look! Over there." She was pointing to a grassy area that had a bunch of picnic table set out underneath a giant lit up gazebo. " We should get some good food and go sit before we dive into the craziness. I smiled excited and responded " Sounds great I'm actually really starving!"  Us both excited walked around looking for a good carnival food to eat, as we walked I looked around in awe, taking in all the flashing lights scents and sounds. We found a good parlor of  food that sold fries, corn dogs, and things of the like, we decided to get in line and wait. " So Jen, what's the plan for tonight?" She hummed for a moment then spoke. " Well, I was thinking we could chow down on some good food, go play a few rounds of games, then maybe some rides and theeen. Head to the bar for some dancing." She leaned in. " I know you can't drink just in-case..." She paused. " You know, but it would be nice to dance don't you think?" I smiled and nodded, feeling a slight tug at my heart, but I quickly shook it off.  Finally it was our turn to order, I went first. " Hi, could I get an order of fries and a corn dog please?" Then Jen ordered, she got the same thing, I smiled.  I handed Jen a few bills and looked around, distracted at all the wonderful things to see. I watched a group of people playing balloon darts, I definitely wanted a go at that later and see if I could win myself something. Jen nudged me bringing my attention back to the food she was handing me. With our food in hand we walked over to the picnic table and picked one  that was off to the side a bit to kind of seclude ourselves while we talked. I sat down making sure not to expose myself accidentally in the dress, Jen sat across from me. We both took our first bite and hummed with satisfaction. With food in her mouth Jen spoke. " God I didn't realize how much I missed carnival food." Swallowing I replied. " God no kidding, I'm really loving these fries right now."  We ate not talking much, both of us still strongly captivated by the atmosphere that surrounded us. We both were watching a group of high school kids trying to play the strong man game. One kid actually almost managed to hit the bell but didn't quite make it. Me and Jen looked at each other impressed, we now watched the same kid try to go score a beer but get denied. Me and Jen looked at each other again and snorted. Jen suddenly pipped up, "Oh! I forgot to mention, when you were in the shower I called George and hes gunna meet us here soon, he might bring a buddy too, and who knows maybe he could be a good rebound for ya." She wink at me and I rolled my eyes. " Really Jen? C'mon." She laughed. " I'm only half serious, you could just have fun with the guy, go on some rides together, don't have to date him or anything like that." I laughed and sighed. " Well, trust me wasn't planning on it but, for the night maybe you're right. It would help me get out of my head a bit." As soon as I said that I thought about Ted, but quickly pushed the feeling of him away. Soon enough we finished up our food and headed to the nearest trash can, throwing everything in. We stood by the trash can for a moment and talked. " So when are they getting here and where are we meeting them." Jen looking around replied. " Well actually they should be here real soon and said we should meet them where all the games were, then the plan was to go on some rides after." I nodded and spoke. " Well, I've had my eye on the balloon darts why don't we start there first?"  Us both smiling Jen agreed, so we began walking there. The music, the lights, the wonderful smells. I was so glad we came, it felt good to be out and finally the heaviness in my chest lifted. We were standing watching a mother and daughter playing while we waited for our turn, I shifted my purse behind me while eyeing all the prizes. Finally I set my eyes on a white wolf plushie, I decided that's the one I'm going for. Our turn had now arrived but I let Jen go first. " You go first Jen, which prize you aiming for?" She hmm'd and haw'd then chose the giant bear, typical, I laughed. She looked at me with a challenging look. " What you think I can't do it? Watch me nerd. " I laughed and rooted for her, she took her first shot, and boom right on the money. She cheered and went for the second, aaand she flopped. She laughed and looked at me. " Don't count me out yet." I rolled my eyes playfully, crossing my arms and watching her. She missed again." Goddamnit." She laughed, " Let me try again nerd then you can go, that cool?" I smiled and patted her back. " Good luck bud." She stuck her tongue out and gave the man another round of money for the darts and went at it again. This time she got all of the but the final one, sadly she only got the small bear. But she was happy. With it in her hand and her examining it she spoke. " Well, it's not the one I wanted but it sure is cute. Your turn nerd." I rubbed my hands together, tying to get into the zone. Looking up at the wolf I talked to the man. " How many do I need to hit to win that?" I pointed up at the wolf. The man responded. " All five my dear." I took a deep breath and spoke. " Alright! I got this." Jen was behind me and I heard her laugh then talk. " Good luck nerd!" I turned around and stuck my tongue out then picked up my first dart. I remembered how in high school to score a shot in basket ball you had greater chances if your feet were pointed at your target. So I did the same with this. I lined up my body and the dart correctly then held my breath, and threw. Pop! it hit, I was excited. I picked up the next dart and did the same, concentrating. I took a moment, held my breath, then threw. Pop! another hit. I heard Jen playfully scoff but I just ignored her. I was in the zone, having scored all four I was now on my last and fifth one, Jen had came up beside me and was now watching just as tensely as I felt. She was smiling and spoke. " Shit nerd c'mon you got this one more!"  I took a few breaths, looked down at my feet making sure everything was aligned and now held up the dart. I pulled it back in my hand then forward a few times, feeling confident I threw it. I closed my eyes right as I did and heard the pop! I opened my eyes with my mouth hanging open I hugged Jen excited. " Yes! I got it!" Jen playfully scoffed once again. " Yeah yeah yeah nerd, showing me up once again. Just like that time back in Canada." I laughed and waited for the man to grab the wolf for me, now reaching out my hands he gave it to me. " Thank you so much!" I held it up in the light looking at how beautiful it was when I rubbed my face on it. " Oh my god so sooooft Jen feel." I looked at her but she was looking behind me with a face of shock and horror. I was confused I furrowed my brows and spoke. " Jen? What's wrong?" She swallowed and shook her head before responding. " Nerd, we should go look for George, like now." Still confused and having noticed she was looking behind me I went to turn around, Jen reached out for me. " Autumn no don't!" But she didn't reach me in time. I tuned around, and my heart instantly fell to my feet. Standing mere meters away was Ted, with a woman. She had long dark hair blue eyes and was absolutely stunning. I instantly felt sick, my heart was racing and my throat was closing, I couldn't breathe. I was staring in complete shock feeling like I wasn't even existing, when suddenly Ted looked over, I could tell by the look on his face he saw me. I backed up slowly bumping right into Jen with a horrified pain ridden look on my face. My eyes began to well and burn, I heard myself whisper. " Shit..." I turned around quick and Jen took my que, walking with me. " Let's go Autumn, to the pier." Jen spoke low, as we were walking away I could hear Ted calling my name. I ignored him, "Autumn wait!" with every call of my name his voice got more urgent and shaky until finally he had ran right up in-front of me. Jen kept walking a few steps but I made the mistake of pausing, and looking straight into the blue eyes I remembered so fondly, they fully reflected all the lights around us. I couldn't speak but tears were escaping my eyes. Ted grabbed my shoulders talking softly and shakily, I could hear the strain and ache in his voice. " Autumn.. I..." I found myself talking in a whisper now without even realizing it. " No..." I shook my head looking at his chest. He spoke again his voice cracking ever so slightly. " Autumn... Please." I spoke louder. " No..." A sob left my mouth. " No Ted." Ted tried to force me to look back up at him but Jen grabbed my arm and began to drag me into the  direction of the pier, I looked back at him the heartbreak showing in my eyes, and I could see it in his. I heard him say my name once more after turning and away and quickly following Jen in the direction she was pulling me. My heart was racing I felt sick, I couldn't breath and everything around me was turning into a blur again. I was crying now, painful whimpers and gasps leaving my lips. I looked at Jen and I could feel the seething rage bleeding from her demeanor.  We kept walking weaving in and out of peoples paths, on the way we bumped into George and his friend, he called out excited but as soon as he saw Jen's face his own dropped. " Shit, whats going on carrot top?" She shook her head. " Come, not here. To the pier." George just nodded and brought his friend along with us. We walked quickly onto the dock that lead out to the pier, the clicking of her heels now audible with every step away from the loud music. Finally we reached the end, the mist of the water soothing my burning face.  I leaned over, looking at the water as Jen rubbed my back. I heard George talk. " Somebody please tell me what's going on, you're both worrying me." Jen pulled away and took George a few steps away, she thought I couldn't hear her explain everything but I did. Meanwhile I was looking deep into the dark cobalt waters of the night, my chest hurting as I was still trying to catch my breath. While they were speaking I suddenly felt an odd feeling wash over me, a blanket of numbness that I haven't felt before. I went from being within the deep pits of the most excruciating pain in the world to feeling... Nothing. Like my little heart just couldn't take it and now It was as though It ceased to exist altogether. Feeling numb I took in the smell of the water, my mind drifting into a metaphorical coma. I thought about nothing at all, even the sounds around me ceased to exist for a while until I felt Jen's hand on my back which brought me back to my surroundings. I turned around to see George looking at me, he look absolutely pissed, like he was ready to go find him and tear him apart. I swallowed and finally Jen spoke. " I'm sorry Autumn..." She looked down and shook her head, then spoke again. " But you know what? Fuck him, fuck him and to totality of his stupid shit, we are not gunna let him ruin our night, you know what were gunna do instead? Pretend he doesn't exist." George piped in, " If it wasn't for Jen calming me down I'd go find him and snap his twiggy ass in half,  but for now.. Yes, we are going to have a good night and you never mind him. He doesn't deserve to have that sort of hold over you." I nodded, not feeling much of anything. Jen looked at me and spoke. " You alright? When you're ready we will head back okay?" I smiled, the tears now drying I spoke. " You know what guys, you're right. Besides I... I already kind of expected a scenario like this of some kind, sometimes things are really just too good to be true. So fuck it lets go have some fun." Everyone smiled, then George pipped up. " I brought my good man here along in hopes he'd help cheer you up." George moved and a tall stocky man with dirty blonde hair, blue eyes and a bit of facial scruff walked forward reaching his hand out for mine. " Hi there, my name is Colton, but my friends call me Colt." I shook his hand, slightly stunned at how handsome he was, I spoke softly. " Hi, I'm Autumn, it's a pleasure to meet you, I'm sorry things started..." I paused and he responded with a warm smile.  " Listen Autumn, that guy sounds like a jerk, don't even worry about it, shit happens. We're all here and we going to have a good time, and I hope by the end of the night maybe we could be friends."   I smiled now feeling the warmth return to my chest I replied. " Sounds like a plan Colt."  As we walked away from the water everyone's demeanor went back to normal and I felt like I could breathe again knowing that I wasn't alone. Colt was on my left, Jen on my right and George beside her. I linked arms with Jen like we used to when we were teens when George spoke." So, what did y'all wanna do first?" Jen pipped up, " Why don't we all go on the scrambler, man I miss that thing." Everyone laughed and I replied. " Oh my god yes! Remember years ago when we went on that thing and just about knocked each other out from the gravity causing us to bonk heads." Jen snorted, " Yeah, I'm pretty sure I got a permanent goose egg from that." George spoke, " Hey Canadian why don't you and Colt go while Jen and I go grab some food, I'm starving and I'm sure Colt is too but I need an extra pair of hands."  Colt quickly told George what he wanted to eat before looking down at me. I smiled giving Jen and George a thumbs ups, then began walking to the rides section. I looked up at Colt, and he still looking down at me spoke. " You ready for this thing?" I nodded. " Hell yeah, I'm excited" Colt now leading the way smiled wider. " Glad to hear you love rides, this is going to be a great night, you up for the biggun's later?"  Shocked I looked around as we walked. " What?! They have roller coasters here" He laughed, " Well not exactly, but they have a ride called the zipper, you're locked into a spinning cage and are flipped round like crazy, it's my favorite." I looked at him in awe. " That... Sounds amazing, we gotta!"  He wrapped his arm around me as we got in line. " Then it's on, and I'll be happy to escort you your first time."  I laughed, feeling as though life was flowing easily again. Colt didn't make me nervous and he had a calm aura about him, it was nice. We walked up in line still waiting for our turn. I was watching all the spinning lights when he spoke " Hey, whats you're favorite carnival food?"  I hummed for a moment. " Oh I have a real thing for corn dogs with ketchup, reminds me of my childhood, when me and Jen would go to the carnivals back home." He smiled, " What was it like back in Canada compared to here?" I thought for a moment then responded. " Well, to be honest so far the only thing I've noticed that's different is the money and weather. Our weather is colder and our money look like monopoly money." I giggled, and he chuckled. Finally it was our turn and the man let me in the gate, Colt followed close behind. " Ladies first." He motioned to the seat and helped me in, I made sure to hold my dress down so my butt didn't show. I sat in the seat and shifted to the right so he could slide in. Once he was in he pulled the bar down then spoke. " I can see why you and Jen slid around coco-butting each other, these things should really have seat belts." I laughed. " Yeah sheer metal and clothing to slide around on doesn't exactly pair well. " He laughed. " Yikes, guess I should of brought a helmet huh?" I shook my head smiling, " Just watch out, in-case I lose my grip on this bar." Looking around I saw all the lights covering every inch of the ride, I could see off in the distance George and Jen ordering their food from a near by stand, suddenly the loud music started up and the seats raised off the  ground.  I looked over quickly at Colt with an excited look and he returned it. " You ready Autumn!" I nodded. " Sure am!"  We both held onto the bar tight and felt the ride begin to move, I let out an excited scream when the ride began to move fast. We were spinning around and around until the  gravity pulled me right to Colt, and my body hit into him hard. We both let out and Oof and laughed. He now wrapped one of his arms around me and held onto the bar with the other. I was talking between giggles. " Sorry sorry! I told you I'd go flying." He was laughing too. " Just means I need to hold onto ya, no problem."  A few minutes went by and finally the gravitational pull settled as the ride slowed. Breathless from laughing so much I slide back over, brushing my hair out of my face. " That, was, amazing!!"  the bar now popped up letting us out. Colt responded as he got out and lent me his hand to help me. " Definitely." Smiling I stood up, taking his hand so I didn't trip. But while I was still high up on the step I looked over, my heart hitched. There was Ted, leaning on the fence that surrounded the ride. He was watching me, watching us, completely ignoring the woman beside him. I quickly looked away, not wanting to see him or the look on his face, and not wanting him to notice I saw him. Instead I took everyone's advice, and pretended he didn't exist. Taking a deep breath Colt and I walked to the gate where they let us out, the opposite direction of where Ted had been standing. As we walked away my back lit with the electricity of his eyes on me, my skin raised with goosebumps. Still trying to shake it off we walked up to Jen and George. They had a bunch of food in their hands which made me salivate. Jen beamed. " Did you guys enjoy it!" I smiled and spoke. " Sure did, just about squished Colt here though." Me and Colt laughed, then he spoke. " Nah you're alright." George spoke now. " Whaddya say we all head to those picnic tables and eat, tired of holdin' this shit." I nodded and began to walk in the direction of the grass. The night went on, every once in awhile I would feel eyes on me, but shook them off. Everyone one went on basically every ride there was but we left the Zipper for last, and there we stood. George and Jen were in front of me and Colt was to my left. The line was pretty long but we were patient, me and Colt talked as we waited. " So tell me about you Autumn." I told him just about everything, when I moved here why I moved here. What I was going to school for and that I was thinking about getting a part time job on the weekends. He nodded and smiled. " So, I take it... You're single then huh?" My face flushed, all the thoughts of Ted flushed back to me, was I? Were we even actually a couple to begin with? I cleared my throat and responded trying not to steady my voice. " Yeah I... I guess I am." He nodded then spoke. " I guess that guy earlier WAS your boyfriend huh?" I shook my head, speaking softly and shakily. " I... I really don't even know what we were at this point." I sighed and changed the subject. " But anyways what about you? Are you working or studying?" He smiled and we walked forward as the line moved, we were getting close now. I felt someone bump into me from behind but ignored it. Colt spoke. " Well Autumn, I'm currently in school to be a police officer, I'll be finished by the end of the year."  I remembered James. " Oh hey do you know James then?" He nodded, " Sure do, it's too bad he couldn't join us tonight now that you mention it." I laughed. " Yeah his presence is pretty scarce I have only met him once."  Colt chuckled. " Yeah he helps with his families business and is in the same class as me, not much time I guess." The line moved again, Jen and George were now at he gate which meant it was our turn next. " So, I know it might be a little soon so don't feel any pressure. But would you like to exchange numbers at the end of the night, maybe we could talk more, get to know each other." I looked over at him, the wind picking up and flowing my hair backwards. I could see the shine in his eyes and how his eyes were a blueish green. I nodded. " Sure, maybe we could all go out for some food some time."  He was beaming. " Sounds like a plan Autumn." Finally our time came  and Jen was just about jumping out of her dress, and I could tell George was excited too, Jen was yelling. " I've wanted to try this ride for YEARS!" George hooted and they both were now getting into the cage, a worker closing it and latching it after they sat. The ride moved to the next available cage and Colt placed his hand on my back and looked at me. " Nervous yet?" I sheepishly smiled. " Uhh, a bit." He laughed as we walked up to the cage and he helped me in. " Don't worry, it's going to be great." He slid in beside me and we began to do the belts up as the cage was closed. The ride moved as we were raised into the air. I slid my fingers through the holes looking down. Colt did the same. " Shit  we are high up." He laughed, " Scared of heights?" I smile " Nah not at all"  I looked down seeing all the lights glowing and the water off in the distance near the bar. Suddenly the ride made a noise which signaled it was starting, I quickly sat back and held onto the bar that was in front of us and attached to the cage door. I took a breath and Colt smiled. " Into the devils den we go." And as soon as he said that the ride jolted up we were suddenly  spinning upside down and right side up, over and over.  it would stop for only a moment then begin again as the whole cage it's self was raised up in the sky then back down. I was screaming and laughing hysterically. I could hear Jen somewhere off in the noise also screaming, when I saw her pass for a split second as she screamed in the highest pitched tone ever " NERRRRD!"  then woosh she was gone. Colt was now screaming too, it felt like my brain was being scrambled, but it passed by quickly. Panting and out of breath the cage was slowly lowered to the ground I looked a Colt with my mouth open and my hair totally poofed. I was in a fit of giggles. " That was fucking AMAZING!"  Colts hair was also totally ruined, he talked out of breath. " I'm glad you liked it. The first time I rode this I chickened out believe it or not." We both laughed and the carnival worker unlatched the cage door. Colt got out first and gave me his hand. I shakily walked out, feeling dizzy I looked around, my hair an absolute mess.  I was laughing so hard Colt had to wrap his arm around me. " Thank you for showing me that wonderful experience." He laughed. " My pleasure." Looking around for Jen I looked for the exit gate, I was so disoriented I looked at the entrance gate... My blood went cold, there Ted was once again with that woman at the front of it.. Which means he had to have been the one who bumped into me. Did he hear our entire conversation? Colt now pulling me to the exit gate I quickly looked away. I stumbled and Colt caught me before I fell Jen and George were already on at the exit gate waiting. George was laughing and once again spoke with booming voice. " A little dizzy are ya?"  feeling nervous and like eyes were on me I laughed halfheartedly. " Yeah, a little." the gate closed behind us and I stood there trying to fix my hair. Jen snorted. " I think we all look like we stuck our fingers in an electrical socket now." Everyone laughed. George then spoke. " Whaddya say we call it quits on the rides for the night and head to the bar for some downtime before it closes. We all agreed in unison and headed there, Colt wrapped his arm around me as we walked, the fact the Ted could be seeing this right now, made me utterly uncomfortable and my heart began to ache. Having arrived we sat down at a booth Colt beside me and Jen on my other  side, I could help but remember the night I met Ted. Sighing I looked around at all the people in here, and wished I could have a drink, but I can't, not until I know for sure. Jen and George went to get drinks and left me with Colt. We talked about  how great the night had panned out, how the rides were absolutely amazing and that maybe we would go to another carnival together sometime. Jen and George returned with drinks for everyone, Jen passed me a drink and I paused looking confused. She leaned in to my ear. " Don't worry nerd, there's no booze in it." I sighed partially in relief but also cause I wish I could drink. Not much time passed when I saw Jen shoot George a look, confused I looked around... Ted had walked in with the girl and was now heading to the dance floor with her. Okay, he was definitely following me, Jen now leaned in " You wanna go? You alright?" I nodded then whispered back in her ear. " Jen I... I think hes following me I've seen him at just about every spot we've been to." I heard her scoff and saw her shake her head. She leaned in once again so I could hear over the music. " Yeah hes probably jealous and pissed, and is now trying to do the same. Guys are fucking stupid like that, they don't want you but don't want anyone else having you. So just ignore him." I smiled a sad and uneasy smile then Colt tapped on my shoulder. " What're you drinking?" I looked at my drink then back at him and shrugged. " I have no idea, Jen got it for me." We both laughed. Time passed quickly, an hour had now passed and I needed to use the bathroom from all the virgin drinks I was having. I had ignored my surroundings most of the night on purpose but I was now standing up looking for the bathroom. Jen was talking to Colt and George having a good time so I walked alone. Thankfully there wasn't a line or anything so I walked right in. I used the facilities and walked to the mirror then washed my hands. My hair was still a bit messed up so I fixed it and rubbed away the stray eyeliner that had run under my bottom eyelid. With a deep breath I exited the bathroom, back into the loud bar. I walked down the dimly lit hall and stopped dead in my tracks. Ted was pacing back and fourth at the end, and once he saw me he headed directly to me. Frozen I didn't move, tears were welling up in my eyes. He was now in front of me and tears were in his, he didn't speak he just looked at me, shaking his head. He pulled me to him and lifted my chin, I felt a sudden rush of anger flood my chest and pulled away, backing up and trying to side step him.  He looked at me like I just drove a dagger into his heart. I backed away out of the hall slowly and he followed. I shook my head, and swallowed as tears ran down my cheeks, I found my self speaking through sobs and cracks in my voice. " How could you do this to me..."?  I heard him say my name in a pleading tone as I quickly turned around. I walked as fast as I could right to Jen, I felt Ted behind me but his presence slowly faded in distance as I reached Jen. I spoke above the music crying. " Jen, we need to go, please." Everyone got up and Jen was right by my side, so was Colt.  Jen looked off in the distance and must of saw him, she spoke. " Shit... I should of came with you.." Colt looked worried and bent down to hug me, " You take care of yourself alright? Here's my number." As he pulled away he passed me a piece of paper. " Call me when you feel up to it." I smiled through tears and  nodded. I felt a heavy pat on my back, it was George. " Listen Canadian, you're a tough cookie, you'll get through this. But for now go home and get some. We will all catch up another time soon." We all said our goodbyes and Jen and I walked out the door, I didn't look around, I didn't want to see him. Within no time we were back in Jen's car heading home, I was driving because she had been drinking. Thing's were quiet, I could feel Jen looking at me. Finally she sighed. " I'm sorry Autumn, I never expected he would be there... Didn't even dawn on me." I smiled as a tear rolled down my cheek, I spoke my voice cracking. " It's alright, in a sick way, it's like closure. At least now I know." Jen didn't say anything but I knew she understood. Eventually we made it home and I headed to the bathroom to wash off all the make up. The door was shut but Jen was on the other side talking. " I'm sorry again about tonight nerd... I really am but.. When you wake up in the morning please, come get me okay? You're never alone, don't forget that." I swallowed a sob before responding in a whisper. " Thank you Jen."  I heard her walk into her bedroom and shut the door. I stood with my hands on the sink sobbing quietly through clenched teeth. I was having a hard time catching my breath, I looked in the mirror and shook my head. I'll never be as beautiful as that woman, no wonder he left me. All the make up had run and I began washing it off, once I was done I then brushed my teeth and threw my hair into a ponytail before walking out to my bedroom. Sobbing I got into bed, placing the plushie I had won tonight  beside me, trying to calm down. I was hugging my pillow when I realized it still smelt like him. Half comforted and half disgusted with myself for being so pathetic I closed my eyes, and within the bouts of exhausted crying I fell asleep.~