Living on borrowed light...

Demolition.

~ 4pm came quick. Me and Jen had spent most of the day talking on my bed about the fun times we shared back in Canada to keep our minds off of the heavy things for awhile. We cooked breakfast together, messed around with some art things, and went for a walk around the block. But it was now time for her to leave, still in my housecoat from earlier, I walked her to the door to say goodbye. " Anyways nerd, I'm heading out, gotta pick up a few things before I see James." I nodded, standing by here as she put her shoes on, standing back up she hugged me. " If you need anything don't hesitate to call me alright? I don't care if it's in the middle of that night or whatever. You need me and I'll be here." I smiled. "Thanks Jen, I'll keep that in mind." I yawned, I was suddenly tired and my body ached. Jen now opened the door and stepped out, holding up her signature peace sign. " See you later!" And off she went, I shut the door and made sure I locked it. The house always felt much more quiet when I was alone after having Jen over for the day. I was feeling a bit hungry so I decided to take advantage of my appetite while it lasted. I walked into my kitchen and decided to make something light, toast and grape jam. As I put my bread in the toaster and waited for it to pop I walked over to the note pad that sat by the phone. I picked it up, looking over Ted's number, and the way he signed his name. His handwriting was so beautiful, I sighed. At first my heart melted, then I was tempted to rip it up, but just as fast as I thought about tearing it up, I was also tempted call him. I shook my head and set it back down, I found myself having to keep reminding myself he doesn't love me, how could he? Within a short time my toast had popped and I ate it while deep in thought. Should I really go through with having this child, or would it be better off not being born in such circumstances? I also wondered what Ted's reaction would have been if he had of been around long enough to know. As I stood here leaning against my counter eating my toast I was a roller coaster of emotions. God I felt like a fool that had just gotten a run for her money because of how he treated me. Then on the other hand my heart reminded me of my love for him and the memories we had made, I was of two minds. Sighing and having now finished eating I headed for the stairs when the phone rang again. I quickly ran back and picked it up, " Hello?" " Hey Autumn! I just wanted to see how you were doing." " Umm, who is this?" I heard a laughed but still didn't recognize the voice. " Oh it's just Colt, I got your number from the phone book." I smiled a half smile " Well hey Colt, I'm alright, thanks for checking up on me. How are you doing?" I heard brief static before he answered. " Oh I'm doing just fine, I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get together tonight, I know its a bit on the fly so if you're not feeling up to it I understand." I thought about it a moment, my body ached, I was tired physically and emotionally, I opted to pass on this one. " Hey, listen. Maybe we could reschedule for next weekend? I'm just not feeling up to it, my body is raging a war on itself." I laughed. " Hey no problem I understand, call me when you want to plan things out, you still have my number yeah?" I had to actually think for a moment if I did, then I remembered It was upstairs probably in my hamper with my clothes. " Yeah sure do, I'll call you sometime soon." We said our goodbyes and hung up. Feeling relived that Colt understood, I began to walk back up the stairs. On the way up the stairs, feeling my aching body even more so I decided to have a bath, hoping it might help. Walking into my bathroom I began to take off my clothes after shutting the door. I plugged the drain and began to run the water, adjusting the temperature just perfect. My thoughts began to run away with themselves as I sat down on the side of the bathtub waiting for it to fill with an adequate amount of water. Feeling like I could use some extra pampering I realized that I might have some bubble bath somewhere, I went through the cabinet and found it quickly. I undid the cap and poured some in. It felt like forever since the last time I had a bubble bath. It brought me back to a time when I was younger, when I'd be in the tub with my grandma sitting on a chair near me reading a book, how I'd be making bubbles, playing with bath beads, and water balloons. It was a warm memory of simpler times. Sighing, and missing my grandmother I slipped into the water and turned off the taps. I laid down fully resting my feet on the wall and sinking my ears underwater. It was so quiet, It drowned out my surroundings and brought me into a place that was like my own little world. I drifted off in thought, closing my eyes and enjoying the warmth of the water that cradled my aching bones. Some time had passed and I found myself falling asleep, not wanting to risk drowning, and since the water had now gone cold, I decided to call it a day and head to bed. I drained the water dried myself off and dried my hair, walking to my bedroom with clothes in hand I threw them in the hamper. Since I was alone I disregarded throwing pajamas on to sleep and climbed into bed, still leaving only my side lamp on. I took a quick glance at the time, it was 9pm. I didn't think I had been in there that long but shrugged it off and laid down. Within no time I had drifted off to sleep. I didn't dream, but I slept for what felt like mere moments when I was awoken by a sound. I jumped up, looking at the clock 3:33am. I listened looking at my door way, waiting to hear another sound. I heard a thud then scattered footsteps in my home, my hair was on end and my pulse was now racing. Whoever it was that was walking in my house sounded like they were stumbling. I was frozen in fear, I could hear the footsteps climbing my stairs. I could barely breath when finally there was a dark figure in my doorway. I sat up holding the blanket to my chest because I was naked when I heard the person speak. " Autumn..." He stumbled forwards almost falling on the floor when I heard him mumble something. " Shit... Autumn?" Before I knew it he was beside my bed. In the light finally I could see his face, the feeling of panic subsided... It was Ted. " Ted what the hell are you-" He cut me off as he dropped to his knees, kneeling at my bed side he pulled me to him. He wrapped my legs around his hips and leaned in hugging me, resting his head on my collar bone. Stunned I didn't say anything and I didn't move, I just kept holding the blanket to my chest when he whispered. " I need you..." finally I found my voice. " Ted how the hell did you get in here... Why are you here? I thought you..." He raised his head and looked at me, that's when I noticed... His hair was a mess, his white dress shirt covered in dirt, he absolutely reeked of alcohol, and his glazed over eyes were full of tears. " I can't stay away from you any longer. And If that means risking everything then so be it. I've come to accept that you are the one I want and that you will either accept me, accept this, or you won't. And I'm willing to try if that means I have at least the slightest chance you will stay with me." He was slurring his words, I was still stunned, I spoke " Accept what Ted, what are you talking about?" I felt the heart break rising in my chest. " Don't... Don't you have a girlfriend already? Why are you here?" He scoffed and shook his head. " You are so blind its almost humorous... Yet I know you know, even if you don't realize that you do..." I furrowed my brows and felt my stomach turn... He spoke again. " That woman meant nothing..." he sighed and began to lean in to kiss me when I backed up. " Ted you're drunk... We should talk about this in the morning when you're clear headed." He looked down, as if he just realized I was naked under the blanket. " Will you let me stay here with you...?" I hesitated at first, but my heart spoke for me. " Yes..." I nodded and spoke in a whisper, moving back towards him. " You look... Awful, lets get you in the shower and in the meantime I'll wash your clothes, the water should help you clear your head too." He only nodded. I quickly maneuvered around him, standing up and dropping the blanket all in one movement so he didn't see me naked and he could only see my back. I didn't want him to see me naked anymore, it felt too revealing after everything that has happened. But I could still feel him watching every inch of my body as I did. I quickly grabbed a pair off pajama shorts and shirt, sliding them on in the dark part of my room that was away from the light. Suddenly I felt him behind me, and he talked very close to my ear. " Why are you hiding your body from me and getting dressed so quickly as though I've never seen you naked before Autumn..." I turned around to face him, and finally the venom that was injected into my heart by this man spewed out with no control. " Because you made me fall in love with you Ted, you made me think that you really loved me too. Then after fucking me and taking my virginity, you left me here, all alone looking like a fool. And to top it all off, you went and fucked another woman within a mere span of days. Which means I'm not your girlfriend if I even ever was. That's why I don't want you seeing me naked Ted." I turned around to grab a fresh towel for him from my closet then headed for the bathroom. I sighed my heart hurting, " Come..." He didn't say a word, walking into the bathroom I turned on the light and he entered behind me.He walked in front of me now and I placed the towel on the counter. " Give me your clothes." Finally I looked at him, he looked like a child who had just been scolded with the heart of a man who had just been heartbroken. He wouldn't look at me at first, I spoke almost feeling guilty. " You can use whatever you need, as long as you don't mind smelling like a girl." He looked at me and smiled as he began to undo his shirt. That's when I noticed a cut on his eyebrow, blood on his lip, and just how much dirt and debris he had on him. I was confused and concerned. " Wait..." Ted having undone the buttons on his shirt was now shirtless as I grabbed his face to look at the cut closer. I had one hand on the top of his head with my thumb on his forehead and the other grabbing the side of his head, my thumb resting on his cheek. I whispered " What the hell happened to you..."As soon as I said it I thought about George, and how he wanted to kick his ass. Ted was looking at me with those blue eyes of his, it was distracting. I kept looking from the cut back to his eyes and back to the cut again. I felt that warmth rising within me, god I hated that he had this sort of power over me, and he saw it in my eyes. Suddenly I found myself pushed against the door with his hips pressing into mine and his hungry kisses on my lips. I could taste the booze on his lips as I moaned and panted from the sudden passion, I felt his hand sliding beneath my shirt. His hand was now gripping and rubbing at my breast. It felt like it had been so long, and every inch of my body was alight with the craving of him. His hungry kisses trailed down to my neck and he was now rolling my nipple between his fingers. His other hand now slid in-between my legs, instantly finding the bundle of nerves. I moaned loudly then quickly whispered a meek protest " Ted.." He groaned my name in return, his mouth still hot on my neck. " No, I can't Ted... Please." Finally finding the strength I softly pushed him off of me. I looked at him with sad eyes, the heart break still clearly taking home in my heart. He shook his head, rubbing his jaw and mouth with his hand. " Shit I'm sorry Autumn... I'm sorry..." His brows were furrowed and he looked hurt. Sighing and feeling guilty once again, I wrapped my arms around him. As much as I tried to resist, it felt good to feel him again, to feel the warmth of his body on mine. He wrapped his arms around me like he used to, lacing his fingers in my hair, and nuzzling his face into my neck. God this was hard, I wanted him, I wanted him so bad my body was screaming. But my heart was screaming in a different tune. I pulled away and spoke to him softly. " You'll feel better after you shower, pass me your clothes." He nodded and fully took off his clothes. He looked up at me with a charming smirk, which I knew was because he was fully naked and was trying to see if I would look. I couldn't help but crack an embarrassed smile, but I kept my eyes on his. He handed me his clothes so I turned around to leave when he spoke. "Thank you." I hummed a you're welcome and walked out. I heard him start the shower as I walked down the stairs to my basement, and as much as I was hurting, it was nice to have him here. To know he was mere footsteps away, it was a relief and I felt like I could breathe again. I walked down in to the basement turning the light on and now throwing his things in when I stopped dead in my tracks. His shirt, I looked at the cuffs of the shirt and they had blood on them. My dream flashed in my mind and my eyes widened. God no... No way, it was probably his own blood, he has cuts on him after all. My stomach turned into knots as I threw his clothes into the wash. I had to take numerous deep breaths to calm myself and stop my hands from shaking. Finally feeling calm enough I walked back upstairs and to my room, as I walked by my dresser I stopped. The pregnancy test, fuck... I had almost forgotten I was pregnant between the chaos of Ted affection and him entering my home in the middle of the night. How could a person forget such a thing, I scoffed at myself. I laid down in the bed stretching out and looking at the ceiling. Some time had passed and I heard the shower stop, soon I would have to change his clothes over to the dryer. I took deep breaths, feeling as though I needed more air. I heard him cough a few times and wondered if he was sick. I shook my head and whispered to myself. " Not my job to take care of him anymore." The heart break welling in my throat, I felt stupid. For many reasons but this time because we never had a title to begin with, I fell in love with a man I barely knew and had sex with a few times. I did this to myself. I was pulled from my deep thoughts as Ted walked in, it took everything in me not to stare. He walked in the towel tightly wrapped around his hips, water dripping from his hair down his cheeks, to his chest. He had soft dark hair that covered his arms and his chest, it trailed down past his belly button, which lead to... He was just standing there watching me staring with a thumb tucked into the front of his towel when I quickly looked back up at him. He was smiling the most flirty charming smile I've seen him give. I covered my face then quickly flipped around shoving my face into the pillow, I could almost scream from the mix of hormones and embarrassment. I heard him chuckle before he spoke. " Well I'm sorry Autumn, but uh, I don't exactly have any clothes to wear at the moment." I found myself giggling into the pillow then rolling back over onto my back as he sat beside me on the bed. I looked up and over at him as he sat up looking down at me. He had a warm smile and my cheeks still felt like they were on fire. I sat up quickly, facing him and crossing my legs. I just couldn't stop looking at him, taking in all his features. His blue eyes, the sharpness of his nose and jaw, the soft lines on his forehead, the wet waves of his hair, it felt like it had been so long since I last saw him. He reached up placing his hand on my cheek, caressing me with his thumb. I closed my eyes leaning into it, his touch instantly taking away the heart ache. I felt his thumb on my lips, he talked " Autumn, a million times I rehearsed this... I pictured me on my knees begging for forgiveness. I was going to tell you what a fool I was for the things I've done and I am. But for now, would it be so wrong just to enjoy the love we have and forget everything else? Sounds like I'm asking you to play house, doesn't it? Maybe I am. I'm asking to pretend like last few days never happened. We could sit here taking in one another, sharing warm embraces, kissing like a pair of carefree lovers, just like we really were so long ago... It's just you and I Autumn." My strength being shattered from his words. I crawled on top of him, straddling him and lacing my fingers in his hair as he looked up at me with tears in his eyes. I found myself crying now, speaking in a pathetic weak trembling tone. " I missed you Ted, I ached for you so much it nearly caved in my chest..." his hands were on my back holding me to him. My cries cracked as I crumbled in his arms. He pulled me tight against him as he laid me down gently beside him and half laid his upper half on top of me. He looked at me as though my crying itself was damaging him. He pushed the hair from my face, caressing my cheek. " I'm sorry Autumn... I just thought it was for the best, I thought you'd be better off." We just looked at each other for awhile, then I spoke. " Ted I... I love you, I want to be with you. I don't know why you left but I just wish you would tell me, being in the dark like this, not knowing why or what I did, if I'm not good enough. I just need to know." He shook his head furrowing his brows. He let out a shuddering breath before replying. " Autumn... It has nothing to do with you not being good enough. In fact, it's quite the opposite I can assure you." I was drowning in his eyes when I found myself kissing him, I needed him. We kissed for quite some time, I could feel Ted wanted more and I did too. But my fears were back and gnawing at me, once again getting the better of me, I couldn't do this, not if he would be gone again, I couldn't without knowing I was something to him and not just some girl he messed with. Things were getting heavy between us when he pulled away just as I was about to, he sighed. " Autumn... If you wish to really know, to really get down to the bottom of this sickness, come with me tomorrow. Let me take you somewhere special, my favorite spot. Then we can finally get this over with. I have to admit it scares me, out right terrifies me really. But if it's something you wish, then I can only hope you'll still love me when it's all over." My heart skipped a beat, the familiar feeling of fear was rising within me. My dreams, the blood on his shirt, the cuts on his skin, I was scared. Having seen the look on my face he spoke. " Autumn... Do I frighten you?" He was looking at me his eyes darting back and fourth from each of mine, searching me trying to read me. I hesitated, thinking about all the times he looked at me funny, how the first time we had sex it seemed like he was fighting off something dark. How he acted those first few days, granted he is different now but I saw something within him that could only be described as dangerous. He sighed and pursed his lips. " I can see in your lack of response, and in your hesitant demeanor that you are..." He shook his head and got up, resting his legs over the side of my bed. He hunched over resting his elbows on his knees as he ran his fingers through his hair and held his head in his hands. Not knowing what to say I watched him, the rise and fall of his back as he breathed. I found myself again and quickly moved over to him, wrapping my arms around his stomach and my legs around his waist, resting my head on his back listening to him breathe. I hated to admit it to myself but there really were times where I thought... He might of thought about hurting me, and admitting that to myself broke my heart. " Ted I have to be honest... There has been times where I've seen a look in your eyes that can only be described as something primal. Like there is something well disguised within you, then there's other times where you look at me some warmly." He took a deep breath, and spoke just above a whisper. " So you are scared of me..." My heart ached. "Ted all I know is no matter what I love you. But you should know that there is also something I need to tell you..." He chuckled. " So then tomorrow will be the day we exchange secrets." He entwined his fingers with mine, we just enjoyed each others existence for awhile when I heard the washer stop. So I stood up walking to my door way, " I'll be right back." I walked down to my basement and changed over his clothes to the dryer, inspecting the previous bloodstain as I did. It was gone, some how all the stains had managed to come out. I threw his clothes in and started the dryer, standing there for awhile, thinking about Ted and the darkness that I would soon come to know about in detail. As soon as I thought about it, that fear caused my hands to shake and my palms to sweat. The thought of him wanting to hurt me broke my heart, the thought of everything changing tomorrow hurt, I didn't want what we had to change. I was really choking up now, the air feeling restricted in my lungs as my throat tightened and tears stinging at my eyes. I just about ran up the stairs and briskly walked to my bedroom where he was now standing deep in thought. I flew myself into him hugging him tightly as I sobbed and held onto him like it was the last time I ever would. He held me tight to him in return, " Ted I am scared, I'm scared that tomorrow is going to change everything. I'm scared that nothing will ever be the same. I have never loved anyone before. You're the first man I ever gave myself to, the first man I gave all my firsts to. I am terrified of everything beautiful we have between us will just be... Demolished." He whispered my name as he nuzzled his face into my neck. " Autumn... I deeply share your fear. I worry that when you come to truly understand that primal darkness of which you see within me, that you won't look at me the same. That you won't love me anymore, that you will become blinded to the parts of me that you see now. Autumn, I have never ever let a woman in the way I have let you in. So if it were to crumble right before me, it would be the ultimate destruction. I just hope you will remember that there is more to me than this sickness that has it's hold on me, I just hope you remember who I am..." He was shaking, and holding me so tight I could barely breathe. My voice trembling and cracking I spoke " Promise me... Promise me you really love me Ted, please..." He didn't hesitate, he pulled me down with him as he sat, moving my hair behind my ear and looking into my eyes as though I was all he could see. " Autumn, In this life we are fortunate to find one person to love and love completely. I am lucky because I love you in this exact way. Being apart from you those few days showed me nothing but this, you were in my mind constantly when we were apart. I have never missed and craved a person like I did you... I have given my soul to you, and will soon bare it to you completely. But with that I give you one more thing. It is the one part of me that cannot be taken away or given to anyone else but you. I am giving you a love that is as deep and as powerful as the waters of the darkest oceans. It belongs to you now, the woman who has managed to capture my very soul. No words will ever adequately express the dimensions of my feelings for you." I looked at him stunned, he kissed me the softest and slowest he's ever kissed me before, then he pulled away. "Autumn I shall love you forever in life and forever in my dreams.I shall love you with every clear blue sky I see. I shall love you with every breath I take, and will love you until my very last. Our love runs deep into our souls, so deep that there can never be any goodbyes for you and I. No true partings because no matter what happens to us, we are always with each other in spirit. No goodbyes, just I love yous." He completely took my breath away, and my words along with it. I couldn't stop myself anymore, I couldn't hold back from him, how could I when he just placed his heart in my hands? I stood up and slipped my shirt off then my shorts, I swiftly yanked the towel off of him and crawled on top of him. He kissed me with the same fiery passion, but quickly flipped me over so he was on top of me. He ran his hands all over my body sending shivers along my skin. But as soon as things started they stopped. He pulled away from me looking at me with a look of insecurity and a hint of hurt. " No Autumn... I didn't say those things to you to get you into bed, and I fear after tomorrow, if I were to sleep with you now, that you will see this differently." I shook my head feeling the heart ache squeezing at my chest, the fear of tomorrow in my mind. " Please... Please Ted, I want you... What if this is our last time like this as we are now?" His face contorted with pain by the words I spoke, and he replied in a whisper. " As you wish Autumn..." He kissed me softly, running his hands along my face and through my hair. His warm hands were caressing every inch of me, my face, neck, chest, sides, hips and thighs until he slipped his fingers in-between my legs. As the night went on, every tender touch and every tender kiss etched him onto my very soul. We made love this time, genuine and pure love, an entwining of two souls that I would remember for the rest of my life. His touch, his movements the way he looked at me, the way he said my name was encapsulated in love. Every moment that passed deepened our connection until we hit the climax of our bodies connecting and our hearts aligning, were left breathless laying beside one another with locked eyes. I found myself crying out of happiness as he rested his cheek on my hand, and I held it there with my own. This is all I ever wanted, and now I truly and fully felt him for the first time. Which quickly became ever so terrifying because the thought of tomorrow coming and everything changing was still breaking my heart. I closed my eyes trying to control the emotions that were now bleeding from deep inside my heart. He pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I wished we could stay like this forever. With a raspy voice he spoke. " Autumn, can you promise me something now?" I looked up at him as I rested my head on his chest, running my fingers through the soft hair that covered it. " I know it may not be reasonable to ask this of you, especially considering the gravity in which I speak of, but... Can you promise me, that you will still love me come this time tomorrow?" I didn't hesitate this time with my response. " I will always love you Ted, I think it's safe to say we have exchange parts of our souls now with one another... That's not something easily broken and removed, at least not to me." He smiled and pulled me by the chin into one last kiss, I looked at the clock, it was almost 6am. He got the memo without me even having to say anything. Resting my head back on his chest and with his arm around me, we drifted off into a deep sleep.~