After the afterparty

The depths of despair

"There are some days I feel like sleeping in, some days I don't want to get out of bed. There are some days like this when I remember Derek more than ever. And those memories keep coming, and coming, and coming until I can't stop..."- I said at an attending's talk. But let's go back to where this day began...

I still feel a little weird about the whole island situation. While we were there I thought, just for a moment, that he was alive, and in fact, the whole reason we were there.

But now we were back in Seattle, and it was time to put all that behind us and start all over again.

It was a particularly gloomy day, which usually gets us in a bad mood. Statistically people feel more depressed than normal, a lot of patients come in, and they just won't stop coming in.

Those are typically the kind of days in which I recall being a med student. You are always busy, overflowed with work, you almost feel like standing there and doing nothing, instead there's a difference: being in med school, you do no harm standing there doing nothing, but as a doctor, doing nothing can actually make it so much worse...

-25 year old male, came in after he was ran over by a bus!- the paramedic yelled
We tried using the defibrillator, doing chest compressions. But there was nothing that could've saved him. -Time of death, 11:23- I had to declare...

-31 year old female, was at her rooftop when she slipped.
-She has a severe femoral artery bleed, I think she's too far gone- Owen said. After a few minutes, the flatline noise went out.- Time of death, 11:27- he said.

These people were all dying, all too far gone to even make it to the E.R... It was really frustrating, but it happens...
When the morgue took all the corpses, the E.R was completely empty. I leaned on a gurney (more like threw myself on there) and sighed. It had been a very exhausting morning, and although I had just woken up, I was physically tired. I kept staring at the ceiling, and all of a sudden Amelia came and stared at me. She was really creeping me out...
-Amelia, can you get out of the way?
-Between... what exactly?- she asked
-Between the ceiling and I.
-Are you okay?- She asked
-Why wouldn't I be?
-I don't know, maybe because 4 years ago today, Derek died. That's why you are feeling down.
-Are YOU... okay?- I asked Amelia
-I'm not, to be honest, but I just gotta keep going.
-We'll be fine- I told her. Now go, I want to rest as much as I can before another trauma comes in. I'll be right here if you need me, or inside an O.R.
-Okay, I will see you later-she said.- tomorrow morning we can go to the cemetery.
-Sure-I replied- The kids wanted to go see him too, so we might do that.
-Do you need something, Dr. Link?- Amelia asked. He was behind me, and I didn't know how much of it he'd heard.
-I actually needed to talk to Dr. Grey for a moment, if that's possible...
-Sure, I'll leave you two alone. Oh and Mer, tomorrow night we can make a family dinner party.
-Party? As in celebrate? You sound like a crazy woman Amelia
-Why?
-Because two minutes ago you were talking about how you wanted to go visit Derek at the cemetery and now you wanna celebrate?
-No, not celebrate, but making a small dinner for the family.
-We can talk later about this- I said- Lincoln is waiting here. We'll continue at home...

As she left, I said:
-So were you looking for me?- I asked him
-Yes, actually. But it can wait- he said turning around
-But wait! What is it?
-Oh nothing, really. I'll see you later?
-Okay- I said. I'm pretty sure I kinda blew him off by talking about the cemetery with Amelia.

In the afternoon, I had a surgery, and then went back to the pit. As I said, depressing day.
As I was walking into the pit, I heard April saying:

-Bailey Shepherd, 5 years old, open femur fracture. Page Dr. Link and Dr. Grey 911.
-Oh I'm right here- I ran to him.- What the hell happened?
-Mom, Zola and I were playing in the backyard when a branch cracked and I fell from the tree.
-The other branch fell on his leg and broke the bone- April said.
-What do we got?- Link quickly came in.
-Bailey Shepherd, 5 years old, open femur fracture. A branch fell on his leg and broke his bone, I'm concerned about the nerves and the femoral artery. He was bleeding pretty badly which may indicate damage of the artery. Thank god you came fast- April announced to him.
-Well, looks like we need to get him to the O.R right now.- he said
-Well, you can tell that to his desperate mother-April added
-Okay, sure, where is she?- he asked
-Right in front of you- she said pointing at me.
-Oh my- Mer, he is going to be okay. We need to go right now- he said.
-I'm coming with you- I said
-I don't think it's the best idea Meredith- he argued
-I said I'm coming with you- I said firmly.
-Okay then, let's go- he said- somebody tell the O.R floor we are on our way and somebody get the elevator!- he yelled.- God.
-God what?- I asked a bit angrily
-God help us- he replied angrier than me...