Bitter Sweet Emotions

I Am My Own Curse

When did the world start to seem so distant?
When did I lose the spark I used to have?
Why is everything blurry the lines smudged together. Making the really images seem like they never were here to begin with?
Why did I forget the meaning of breathing, of just living?
What happened to time?
Where did it go?
Why does it feel so far gone now? Like it was never there to begin with?
What was the purpose of making it this far?
When everything I ever cared for eventually disappeared, dissolved before my eyes?
Why live this long if all is lost to the passing of time? Like faded memories I no longer think of as my own? As if I'm looking through a two way window. Like I'm just watching someone else's life not my own?
Why do I stare into space? Lose track of my existence and let my mind fizzle out. Like a dying amber of flame.
What did I do to deserve this life?
What have I ever done to deserve this honor that is living, breathing, being?
Why can't I just fade away and forget everything. Slip into a daze. Watch the edges crumble, see the world disintegrate before my eyes. Witness the lost focus. To just be... To slip away from this reality and bury myself in the crevices of my broken mind. To bleed into the cracks of this broken soul... Fill my head with that mind numbing fuzziness and just float away... away from this life, this world, this body...
Why isn't it possible?
Why can't I escape?
What stops me from being free?

Why of course it is my own mind that stops me. The fear of never resubmerging from the merky depths of myself. The sense of longing for something I myself don't know about yet. The doubt of being able to do it at all.

I am my own locked door and I've always held the key. I've just never been brave enough to turn the handle. And I bet I never will be able to...

That is my curse that I'm trapped here of my own accord. Never able to escape to be set free. No one else's but my own.

And

I

Hate

Myself

For

It

Everyday...

-Kirsten