[Discontinued] Not Equal

one // thoughts

"Madilynn!" Mother yells.

I rush down the stairs, but in a proper manner. Tidiness is on one of the Five Instructions. "Yes, Mother?"

Mother reflexively checks my appearance. Proper appearance is mandatory. "Your hair is not tied back." She says slowly.

"I apologize. I will tie it up now." I quickly tie my hair into the standard ponytail that all females who aren't yet Eighteens wear. "What were you saying?"

"Maddie!" Mother says sharply. "No questions unless you are answering to an order."

Heat rises to my cheeks. "I apologize," I whisper.

"You are forgiven. Now go and do the dishes before the Pre-Pairing Picture." Mother says, her voice just as harsh and steely as before. There was no lightness to her voice.

I look at her, hoping that she'll lighten up and suddenly say, "Maddie, I love you. I'm so proud of your accomplishments," But it never comes. Dejected, I turn around, trying to squash the Feelings, the Thoughts, the Sins. The sink seems to get further with each step I take. I imagine a life beyond.

"Maddie!" Mother's voice snaps me out of my daydream. "You are Thinking! How dare you walk into that sink!"

I blink. The sink is just centimeters from me. My eyes flicker down quickly. My foot was lifted, prepared to take another step. "I apologize, Mother."

"You are forgiven."

I look down at the plates as I wash them, dread filling me. What if, during the Pre-Pairing Picture, they discover I Think? What if they find out I Think the Thoughts? And I Feel the Feelings? Those are some of the greatest Sins that our Chief Elder decreed. I shook the Thoughts away. Better get back to work.

. . .

Afterward, I hurry to do my hair for the outdoors so I could go to the park to bring my little sister, Ellie, back from Playtime. Ellie was an Eleven, and she had perfect blonde hair and blue eyes. It is required for all Females to wear a bun outdoors of their home so that they cannot show off their hair. The bun must be tight and perfectly gelled, with the hair able to extend to the edge of the ribs.

I find Ellie sitting at a table in the shade, along with some other Elevens. They were all sitting correctly, with their face covering packages with them. Some wore purses around their shoulders to carry the face covering. Ellie was braiding another Eleven's hair. The Elevens were doing each other's face coverings, not a smile or a single piece of evidence of happiness in sight.

"Ellie, time to go," I say, keeping my voice dull and quiet. In the corner of my eye, I can see other Fourteens, Fifteens, and Sixteens getting their sisters.

Ellie looks up. She stands up, and, without any protest, walks towards me.

"How was Playtime?" I ask her the standard question.

"It was fine," Ellie says. "I braided another Eleven's hair. My face covering is complete."

"Oh? What was her name?" I ask.

Ellie turns around to stare at me, a quick, blurred movement. "You asked a question." She says bluntly, confusion in her face. She looks like she was slapped.

Oops. Big mistake. I'd already slipped up too many times in front of Mother and Ellie. "I apologize, Ellie. I was not behaving well."

Ellie turns back to look at the road, the event already forgotten. "You are forgiven."

I let my Thoughts wander back to the imaginary world. I can imagine Females and Males living side by side. I can imagine only having to do half the chores.

"Maddie."

Ellie's voice jolts me from my Thoughts.

"You have a Thinking face. Thinking is terrible and must be reported to the government. Thinking shows a sign of self-righteousness and independence and is, therefore, a Sin. Thinking is against the Five Instructions and-

"Ellie," I say quietly. Ellie looks startled. "You interrupted me!" She gasps. "That is against the rule of politeness and must be rep-"

I hold onto Ellie's arm. "Sometimes it's okay to break the rules," I whisper. "Not in public, of course. Sometimes you want to be yourself, without the Five-"

Ellie twists away. Her face looks angry. "Stop it, Maddie, you're hurting me!"

Of course, she wouldn't get it.

I sigh. "I apologize, Ellie."

"You are forgiven."

I turn back to the road and return to silence.

~~

author's note: I just realized that the tab button doesn't work. uhh...

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