You're beautiful to me (Frerard)

chapter thirteen : velvet lips and the eyes to pull me in

Title: Sarah smiles - P!atd
Gerards p.o.v

"What were you planning to do?" I ask him, rubbing my thumb over the back of his hand. We were lying on the the front of the car, staring up at the sky. I had so many questions but I don't want to scare him off. He was already in a fragile place. I made him text his mum, telling her he was at mine and was sleeping over.

"I don't know. I don't know Gerard. My head is such a mess and I just needed to get out. I've felt like I was suffocating for so long and then I just... i was free. I know it sounds dumb but I finally felt like I didn't have a million things going on in my brain. I just couldn't stand it anymore. It wasn't even a... a suicidal thing. I wasn't trying to kill myself I just wanted to feel something." He says, taking his time with his words, making sure he uses the right ones.

I nod and turn to look at him. I knew what he meant. When everything's piling up and you just need to run away from it all. I didnt say anything else because I didn't think he needed me to. Even if he did I wouldn't know what to say

"Im Just so sick of life, you know? I'm so tired all the time and cold, god it's so cold." He says. I realise he's shaking and wrap my arm around him, he reacts immediately and puts his head on my chest. I smile widely and stroke his hair with my free hand. I dont understand why someone so beautiful has to hurt so badly.

"What makes you happy Frank? What clears your head?" I ask him quietly.

"You do." He says, looking up so his eyes meet mine. I feel my cheeks heating up and frank reaches out his hand and strokes them with his thumb. "Gerard, you do. The reason I wake up every morning is because I know I'll be seeing  you and that's enough for me. I know I've got along way to go but with you I feel like I can do it." He says, his own cheeks turning pink. This boy.

I lean forward and graze his lips with mine, he closes the distance and my heart explodes for the third time that night. I can't believe this is happening. When we pull apart to breathe he rests his head on my chest once more. He picks up my hand and plays with my fingers while I look down at him fondly. I wonder if he call feel how hard my heart is beating.

"What's your story Gerard? Why are there scars in your wrists?" He asks me timidly, as if he's scared he'll say something wrong.

I knew this was coming. After my breakdown and the scars, he was bound to ask. He was also bound to find out. I wanted to be completely honest with him. Not because I owed him it, but because I trust him.

"My mum reacted badly to my dad leaving, and turned to alcohol and drugs. So when I was younger I had to look after Mikey. I didn't know what I was doing but I had to do it because he had no one else. I had to grow up quickly because my mum wasn't able to. I looked after him alone for years But every so often I would have these break downs. I'd be one this massive sobbing mess and I wouldn't be able to breathe. Like what you saw. Whenever these happened Mikey would call my gran because he wouldn't know how to deal with them. I scared him. I had started self harming and when I wasn't looking after Mikey I was smoking and drinking and hurting myself, it's all I did. After a while Elena took me to the doctors and I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression." I took a deal breathe before continuing. "We moved in with my gran and she took care of us. I had the chance to be a kid again, but i couldn't. I was so on edge and hard from having to grow up so fast. I was too far gone at the age of 13. I was on medication that made my subdued and grumpy, so the few friends I had grew bored of me and left me alone. That's how I got my reputation of mean and aggressive and cold. I would still have these breakdowns but Elena would help me and they got better. After a while mum seemed to be getter better, so Mikey and I moved back. At first it was fine, but then she fell right back into bad habits. I had to go back to taking care of Mikey and my mum. Elena would help out where she could but she had her own life. My panic attacks got worse and I had turned back to alcohol and fags, not to mention the blade i carried around with me everywhere. I was a mess again. But I couldn't let anyone see because I didn't want to be a burden on my gran. She's already done so much. The alcohol and fags were just what I did to keep myself going. It's what I needed to be able to keep living. School became hellish, people learned to leave me alone unless they wanted to let some anger out. And that's what I've been living like for the past four years, looking after everyone... apart me I guess. " I finish, my hands shaking violently in franks hands. I hadn't told anyone this before, Mikey new of course but I was different choosing to tell someone. He would probably hate me now he realised how much baggage I carry with me. He hates me, he hates me.

"Gerard, oh my god Gerard I'm so sorry you had to go through that." He said sitting up so he was facing me. I couldn't quite look him in the eyes so I was staring at my hands. He had noticed the shaking and was holding them firmly in his, stroking the back of my hand. "You are so strong." He whispers, lifting my head up So I looked him in the eyes.

I shake my head at him disagreeing with what he was saying. I'm not strong at all. The scars on my arms show how weak I am. If I was strong then I would be fine and so would Mikey and we'd be living happily because I was good enough to look after him properly.

"You are so strong Gerard. To go through what you went through, at such a young age. You did everything you could and that is more then enough. Most people in your position would have given up." Frank continues, breaking me from my thoughts. His eyes were wide and truthful and I found myself falling into them.

"Thank you." I say, dropping my eyes once more.

"I haven't done anything." He replies, squeezing my now steady hands.

"You've done more then you'll ever know. You've listened and not judged me and that's more then I can say for anyone else." I respond, meaning envy word.

He squeezes my hand again and I can't help the smile that forms on my face when I remember what had happened earlier. Frank kissed me. And now i was holding his hand and nothing could be better. I looked up and looked over his face. He was so skinny. Worryingly so, his eyes had dark rings around them and it looked like he hadn't slept in days. I don't know how I'd managed to miss this before but it couldn't be clearer now. I see him looking over my features and can't help but blush.

"What about you frank. I know there's things you haven't told me yet." I say. I see him take a deep breathe before he starts talking.

"You know about my dad. How he would... he would beat me and my mum. He was never the nicest but once I came out that was it for him. He couldn't stand that his son was gay. He would beat me most days and insult me constantly. He.. he would tell me how fat and ugly and disgusting I am and how I should eat less and make myself sick so I would be skinnier." I feel my whole body tense as frank spoke. What kind of monster does that to a child. "So I did, I wanted him to love me again and I would've done anything to get him to. I stopped eating and would self harm. I was so scared of him I stopped sleeping and I would stay up all night waiting for him to come for me while my mum slept. The more he drank the worse it got. One night... one night he came into my room and was so angry... so angry." I could tell this was hard for frank and I didn't want to push him. I opened my mouth to tell him he didn't need to tell me but he shook his head and kept going. "He said to me. 'You're gay so youll like this, you want this because of you're faggy lifestyle.'" I knew were this was going and felt my jaw drop in shock. I prayed that I was wrong. I squeezed franks hand moving slightly closer to him, trying to comfort him. "He... he then... he raped me and... and he made me think I deserved it and I believe him..." he's sobbing now and I'm about to tell him he's wrong and of course he didn't deserve it but Frank keeps going. "And I feel so disgusting and dirty and gross because of what he did and what I am and how right he is. I can never be clean from it Gerard. And and and everything he said it's always in my head and I get these... these flashbacks to what he did and their so real. I can't escape him Gerard. I can't get away from him." He cries, shaking violently as he cries.

I lean forward and warp him in my arms. He clings to me and I stroke his hair while he sobs into my chest. I'm whispering into his ear about how he'll be okay and everything would be fine but I cant help the anger that's rising Inside of me. How the fuck could someone do that to their own child. Make them feel so worthless and attack them for something they couldn't change. It was so wrong and it makes me so angry to think about someone hurting frank. He was so smart and funny and bright and kind and loving. He didn't deserve to be as broken as he is.

"Please don't leave me." He murmurs between sobs. My heart shatters as he speaks and hold him tighter into my chest.

"I'm staying right here. Always." I say back, meaning every word.