You're beautiful to me (Frerard)

chapter twenty : oh darling, i know what youre going through

Title: headfirst slide into Cooperstown on a bad bet - FOB
A/N : the sound of the song goes horribly with the chapter but the words went with the title. Enjoy the penultimate chapter.

Gerard's p.o.v
This is my first cigarette in months. I know I shouldn't but I blame myself for what happened to frank. There was so many things I could've done to stop it. I'm his fucking neighbour for fucks sake. I sigh as I stare out over at franks currently empty house, taking another drag. He was being let out of hospital soon and I plan to spend every second I can with him. I don't want to let him out of my sight again. The only reason I'm not with him now is the hospitals stupid visiting hours. Franks mum is taking him home right after the end of her night shift, so I can go over when I see them pull in. There's a soft knock on my door and I quickly hide the cigarette. The door creaks open to reveal my brother.

"What're you doing up Mikey? It's four in the morning." I ask, walking over to him.

"I... I had a nightmare about grandma..." he mumbles, sniffing the tears away.

"Come here bud." I say, holding my arms out to him. He runs into them and I let him cry into me. It's odd to see him like this, he's normally so composed and controlled. He barley ever breaks his poker face. As he slowly starts to stop crying I pull away and wipe his cheeks of tears. "She's in a better place now Mikey... she's safer now." I say softly, holding his shoulders gently. He nods and wipes his face with the back of his palm. I can see how tired he is and lead him back to his room. He climbs back into bed and tuck him in. "Do you think you'll be Abel to get back to sleep?" I ask and he nods slowly, pulling the covers around him. I smile at him and kiss his forehead. "Night Mikey." I say quietly before leaving his room.

I immediately feel my eyes watering and run back to my room before he hears. All the emotions over the past days with frank and Elena and Mikey had built up and I was finally letting them go. I slide down my wall till I'm sobbing into my knees, rocking my spine against the door. My hand is firmly clasped over my mouth to try and muffle the sobs. God I miss frank so much. I wish I had someone to run to. Someone who would kiss my head and tell me it would be okay. But I don't. I calm down and sit back at my window sill, relighting my cigarette. I was fine, this would be fine.

I haven't managed to sleep since Frank got attacked and tiredness washed over me. I wanted so badly to sleep but the images of frank were just waiting to taunt me and the fear of sleep was stronger then the need for it. I could feel my eyes drooping and pushed the lit end of the fag into my arm. The pain was sharp and intense and woke me up again. I looked down at my arm and ran my fingers over all the burn marks that had recently joined my arms over the last few days, in my feeble attempt to outrun sleep. Frank wouldn't be impressed.

I don't know how long I sat there staring at franks house, but soon the sun rises and a car is pulling into his drive. My mum knows about what happened and has given me permission to spend the week off school with him. I sprint down the stairs and am there to help frank out of the car. As soon as he sees me he raps his hand around me and i immediately feel safer in his embrace. He plants a soft kiss on my lips before gripping my hand as we enter the house. We walk up to his room in silence and Mrs. Iero smiles at us sympathetically. Frank gingerly pushes open the door, as if he's scared that his dad might still be there. He lets out a shaky breath before sitting down in his bed, his head between his hands.

We don't talk to each other. We had a mutual understanding that neither of us were doing well and we both knew all we needed was to hold each other. We laid in franks bed for what seemed like years. Neither of us eating or really sleeping. If one of us did drift off it would only lead to the other shaking them awake from a nightmare or panic attack. The only thing that kept us going was each other's presence and warmth. He was the only thing I was living for because everything else was too painful, and I know he felt the same.

Franks p.o.v

I've never felt more broken in such safe arms. Gerard was holding me but I knew deep down that he was struggling too. My dad coming back into my life completely destroyed me. I was getting better and things were looking up but it all came crashing down again, I'm back to where I started. I know the days I was away were hell for Gerard. He didn't sleep didn't eat and I had seen his arms. I knew how scared he was of leaving me and how scared he was to close his eyes. I knew he was barely holding on. And I knew he knew I was struggling every step of the way with him.

It had been days of lying in each others arms and just crying and fighting the urge to sleep. We stank but neither of us were alive enough to care. We weren't living,  we were just barely scraping by.

"Gerard... Gerard I think we should go outside." I say quietly into chest, my voice raspy from the lack of use.

"Okay, if you want to." He replies. I know he's shocked by my statement, I am too. But I feel like this needs to happen. We slowly untangle ourselves and a grip tightly to his hand as we walk to he car. "Any place in mind." He asks, still holding my hand in his. "Where you found me, not the attempt but when I ran away." I say softly. He nods his head and drives. It doesn't take him long and soon we're in the familiar place once again. We step outside and I walk over to the edge of the mountain, probably getting too close but I don't care. I sit down and let my legs dangle over and soon Gerard joins me. I lean my head on his shoulder and he puts his hand on my leg.

"I don't know how much longer I can live with being this sad." I say, breaking the silence. I've become so numb to what I'm feeling that I don't add a hint of emotion to the sentence. It was clean and honest.

"I understand that. I don't know how much further I can go either." He replies, his tone matching mine.

"What should we do about that then." I ask, knowing were this conversation was going.

"Do we jump?" He says, following my train if thought. I let his words sink in. Do I want to die. I would be with Gerard. We would be together and it wouldn't hurt anymore.

"I love you."

"I love you too."