The Dip and the Resurface

Part 3

Josh

"Alright, I have to take a piss before this conversation turns into an after school special. When I get back I'll make sure to make you happy that you joined the party," I had said before I had left him at the table.

In reality, I just had to go out and splash some water in my face. Tyler's words had hit me like a truck even though I had tried not to show it in front of him - my pity would never help him even though he'd know it would come from love.

I had seen him at his low before. A low that I hoped never to experience personally. A low no one should ever experience. And especially not Tyler. My best friend. My brother.

I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that the red colour around my eyes had started to run a bit but I didn't care. I needed to think straight. I would never allow myself to let Tyler walk down that path again. Not if I could help it.

I couldn't stop myself from thinking of a conversation that I had had with Tyler six or seven years earlier - some time before all the fame. I had come over to his small studio apartment, knocking violently on the door because I was angry: For several days I hadn't been able to get ahold on him, and that day he hadn't shown up for practise either. I had been sitting around for two hours before I decided to go over to his place and confront him with his lack of discipline.

I had hammered loudly on the door until he had finally opened it. The minute I saw him, I started to calm down. He had looked like shit and that was when I knew it was serious. He clearly hadn't shaved nor showered for days and his clothes were dirty. Even though I could feel that he was annoyed that I had shown up, I let myself inside his apartment. I couldn't just leave him.

At first, he had been reluctant to talk to me, but eventually caved when he realised that I wouldn't let it go until I had gotten some sort of explanation out of him.
I knew he had battled with severe depression and suicidal thoughts before I had met him so I wouldn't leave him on his own until we had talked.

It had taken me some time to convince him to tell me what was going on but all of a sudden he seemed to burst, and words started to flow out of him. At first, it came out as anger, then frustration, and in the end it was pure sadness. He told me about all the things he had been hiding from me for years: his insecurities, his loneliness, how he felt he was a burden to his surroundings. How he didn't feel at home anymore.

For hours, I let his words flow without interrupting. Everything came out.
He cried. I cried. It was horrible. Hands down the worst day of my life.

At one point, I had gone over to my own place to grab some stuff so I could spend a few days at Tyler's place. I've always been a pretty decent runner, but never in my life have I run as fast as I did that night. I just had to go back to him. I was scared that he would do something stupid while I wasn't around. But he hadn't. Thankfully, he hadn't!
The first thing I did when I returned and I saw him sitting alone with empty eyes wearing the same stained sweatshirt as before, was to run over to him and hug him, "You're not alone," I had chimed over and over again. He hadn't hugged me back.

I made sure he had a shower. I made sure he had a shave before I took all his razor blades away. For weeks, I kept him fed and I made sure he slept.
He didn't want me to call his parents. "It would just break their hearts," he'd say.

I ended up living at Tyler's place for two months before we in unison decided that I should move in permanently.
We played our instruments day and night, and with every song he wrote, I could feel him slowly resurfacing.

At four months I caught him humming in the shower. At five months I gave him his razors back. At six he was laughing occasionally. And at eight he bought me a brand new drum set with a note that read 'for our first album'.

He never thanked me directly but I knew that the drum set was his way of showing his appreciation for everything I had done. It was his way of saying that he knew good things were to come.

I looked at the red paint around my eyes while promising myself that I would never let Tyler go down that road ever again. Something that neither he nor I could promise he wouldn't. But I would make sure that he didn't have to do it alone. As long as we were a team, I wouldn't let him feel alone.

I took a deep breath before I went out to the party again. Tyler was looking at his phone with a goofy smile plastered on his face.

"Check this out," he laughed as he handed me his phone, "That's so you!"

I took a moment to appreciate that he was still smiling before I looked at the rage comic he held out to me. It really was me in a nut shell and even though it was stupid, we had a great laugh about it.