The Dip and the Resurface

Part 23: Poetic Justice

Tyler

The three of us walked in silence. The only thing that could be heard was the sound of Ivy's heels clicking rhythmically on the floor. In my head, I had already come up with a beat and a quatrain. I was actually feeling kinda sad that she stopped in front of a big wooden door with her name on it. "Inside," she said quietly as she opened the door to her office.

Josh and I sat down on the couch while she positioned herself in an armchair opposite us, "I don't know what to say," she spoke softly.

"A simple thanks would probably do it," Josh said with just a tiny speck of humour in his voice.

"Yeah, well...thanks," Ivy croaked, "I don't know what I would've done if you guys hadn't stepped in.."

"It was all Tyler, really," Josh said looking down at his hands, "he jumped up the minute he saw how you were being treated. I just happened to get a better grip on the guy."

I could have kissed Josh for saying that! Ivy looked at me with a piercing gaze and I could tell that she was having a hard time figuring out how to act next. She was probably torn between hating me and being happy that I had just pulled the creep away from her.

"Thank you, Tyler," she ended up saying. Her voice was almost inaudible, and she looked away from me when she said "I know it must've been hard to do what you just did when you're a self-proclaimed pacifist.."

"It really wasn't.." I shook my head, "I just...reacted. I didn't even have the time to think.."

She looked up at me again. Her piercing blue eyes cut right through me and I swear that the hairs on the back of my head stood a little as she tilted her head.

Josh cleared his throat uncomfortably, "Well, I think I overstayed my welcome," he said and got to his feet. He put his hand on my shoulder right before he turned towards the door and left Ivy and I on our own.

"I'm glad we're finally alone," I started. I wanted to tell her that I felt like an apology was in its right place. I tried to pick my next words carefully but she took my break as a sign of me being done talking.

"Really?" she said harshly, "I literally just got rid of one creep. I think I made it pretty clear before that I don't want to talk to you."

"Will you just hear me out? I want to apologise - I've been thinking a lot about you."

"Really?" she said again, "you want to apologise now?" there was a sudden sharpness to her voice, "months after you broke my heart? I don't want your apology, Tyler! I don't want to talk to you. You had my number - you could have just called me the next day if you felt so terrible about it! But you didn't - did you?"

"Ivy, come on," I tried.

"Thank you for pulling the creep away from me but it does not give you the right to expect anything from me!"

"I'm not expecting anything from you!" my voice was getting sharp now as well, "But the least thing you could do is hear me out!"

"Why would I want to listen to you? Tyler - you broke my heart!" she said through gritted teeth. I could tell her eyes were getting glossy.

"I never meant to hurt you..."

"But you still did," she said "I have spent so many hours wondering what I did wrong to make you treat me that way. Never in my life have I felt more used," a small tear escaped the corner of her left eye, "I was actually falling for you! I opened up to you! And all you did was to use it to get into my pants. And you know what the worst part is? It wasn't even the humiliation or the fact that you played me - it was the fact that I made it so easy for you to walk into my life and shit all over it!"

My heart broke at her words, "that's....that's not what happened, Ivy," I said in a soft voice, "I'm sorry for not telling you back then but there's a side to me that I'm not particularly proud of. And I want to explain it to you but you have to let me talk."

She was still looking at me harshly but at least she was quiet.

"I'm not sure where to start but life hasn't always been easy for me."

"Oh, you poor little famous man," she interrupted me while rolling her eyes.

"It's not like that."

"Then what is it Tyler?" she spat.

Suddenly, I became aware of how stupid it must sound to someone who had never dealt with the stuff that I had struggled with all my life.

"Ugh!" I let out a frustrated grunt, "you wouldn't understand it!"

She looked offended, "so now you're undermining my intelligence too?"

"NO!" I said harshly - if only she would just shut up!

"So let me get this straight, Tyler," she spoke my name with poison in her voice, "First, you seduce me, then you have sex with me, then you leave me without an explanation the next morning. You don't contact me for months until you absolutely have to show up here again, and when I don't accept your shitty apology - you offend my intelligence?"

I could definitely understand everything from her point of view but for some reason I just could not tell her about the monster inside me. If I did, the monster would win because Ivy would actively reject me because of it.

A million words that I could have spoken raced through my mind with the speed of light. Had I only been just a little more brave. But no. I had always known that I was a coward.

Eventually, I settled on "I don't think you're unintelligent. And I want to explain it to you but right now it won't make sense because it's just so complicated and muddy and everything in my mind goes blurry whenever I think about it."

She nodded sarcastically, "Great, Tyler. Just great..."

"I thought I was doing you a favour by leaving you alone but somehow, I managed to make everything worse - not just for you but for myself as well," I croaked in a thick voice. Was I really going to cry in front of her?

I continued, "Ivy, I am so sorry! I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm so sorry for breaking your heart. You deserve so much better than the guy who left you that morning. I understand if you don't want anything to do with me after all of this, but right now I can't put the reason for it all into words. You just have to understand that I am so sorry for leaving you like that. You have no idea how much I've been thinking about your facial expression as I left you. Somehow, I managed to break both of our fucking hearts."

"Yes you did," she said softly before she went completely silent.

"Is that all you have to say?" I asked her in a disappointed tone after the silence became too much for me to bear.

"What else do you want me to say?"

"I have missed you every single day since I left you."

She send me a sad smile, "I would lie if I said that I hadn't missed you too - but it was probably for the best."

"You're serious?"

She gave me a small nod, "I live here. You live in America. It would never have worked out anyway."

I was having trouble finding the right words to say but she was probably right. I hadn't given our geographical challenges any thought.

"I'm going home now," she said and send me another sad smile.

"I'll take you," I tried.

"No thanks."

With a sigh, she got up from the couch and grabbed her coat from the coat stand. As she reached the doorframe to the hallway, she looked back at me. I hadn't moved and inch. She was looking at me with a mixture of confusion and sadness in her eyes.

"I hope that you make peace with your decision someday.." she said before she turned around and left me hurt and alone.