Saving Primary Sanders | A Sander Sides Book

V - Lovelution

Well we all knew we'd be talking about love at some point in this book, so might as well be now! 

2100 h

Logan checks his phone as the party bus (now only containing the main characters) turns into the driveway of Sanderville. He has been keeping tabs on Thomas all evening, because if not him, who would? Luckily, there is no cause for alarm, as Thomas has been in bed all along. Logan frowns. Thomas had surfed through a particular app at intervals.

"I feel sorry for poor Tom-Tom! He missed out on so much!" says Patton, the first to get out as Remy parked in front of the front door.

Roman and Virgil roll out with a couple of bottles bumping down the steps after them. They are drunk as sailors docked into port, and are in no shape to stand up without leaning heavily on each other like two sad soggy saggy French bread sticks left out in the rain.

"He... hick... din miss musch," mumbled Virgil. "We just drank, Logan stared down his nose at all of us and groaned over the bill, Patton did a fan dance with lettuce leaves or I might have just hallucinated that, Remy made everyone worship him like a weird cult leader and... Ro, what did we do?"

Roman belched. "The kissing booth musta be renamed The Fu –"

"Bronze! Nix! Go dunk yourself in a bucket of cold water!" barked Logan. "Remy, go dump this pink elephant monstrosity of a bus in a scrap yard. Patton, I don't have anything to scold you for... just go sleep. We have another long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"I don't think both our heads would fit in one bucket, Sir!" wonders Roman.

"Fill the bathtub! Jump in the pool! Stick your head in the freezer!" Logan flaps his hands in exasperation like a wind dancer puppet.

"I can't throw away this beauty, Nancy!" Remy pats the hood of the party bus. "I must take it back to the Diggy Deffy Divvy."

"The Division has a party bus? WHY?" Logan throws his hands at the sky. "The world as I know is at an end! Next they'll have jets with Jacuzzis and submarines with spas!"

"You look all heated up Mr Craggers!" Patton fans the frazzled man's hat in his face in a vain attempt to calm him down. "You better lie down! You know, it's so hard to go to sleep" – flutter – "when" – blink – "you" – flutter – "are" – winky blink – "all" – flutter – "alone" – aggressive butterfly kisses.

"Patton... are your eye lids malfunctioning?" asks Logan, wondering if he was stuck in a bizarro limbo.

Roman and Virgil sober up when they see the shambling train wreck before them.

"We got to can that clap trap!" whispers Roman. "Cheese Crackers would run to the hills!"

Virgil nods and hisses: "Charge."

Roman rugby tackles Patton to the ground. Logan's jaw drops, but Virgil spins him around before he could exclaim. "Look!" cries Virgil pointing in the general direction of the bus. "Remy is doing something weird."

Remy, bless him, was not doing anything out of ordinary for once in his life, but polishing the headlights, which was what your average chauffeur should do, though most chauffeurs didn't drive big gay party omnibuses. He looks up. "What? I done nothing wrong!"

"Impossible, Goor. Your mere existence is an affront to nature," says Logan with a sniff. "Thank you Nix, for pointing that out. However, in the name of all things holy, will someone please tell me why Roman attacked Patton?"

He shrugs off Virgil's arm and turns to the two men on the floor, one trying to think of an explanation on the spot and the other wondering if he would ever stand up ever again, as getting tackled by a bodyguard is as good as getting run over by a bus. Thankfully, they are saved by a convenient distraction.