Agoraphobia

Day 68 (P.A.R.)

Cassie Kardon was Uncle Peter's mercurial actress cousin. Before the peak, she struggled to find a place for herself. Good acting gigs were few and far between, and her day jobs were dismally unsatisfying. Cassie had the same difficulty finding a place for herself on the farm. She could find neither an activity that would allow her to contribute, nor a creative outlet for her impressive acting and improvisational skills. As a result, she struggled with depression.

Speaking of depression... Lenny's daily S.O.S. radio broadcast was becoming a dreaded ritual. Every day at noon, for the last forty-one days, Lenny had been broadcasting the same grim message over the radio waves. It was a real downer.

On August 6th, I was in the living room with several people. Lenny started reading the same grim message as on previous days. "This is a general S.O.S. broadcasting on all frequencies," he began, talking into the microphone, sounding even more bleak than usual. "This is not a recording. My name is Lenny Guerrero. I'm—"

Suddenly, the microphone was snatched from Lenny's hand by Cassie. "GOOOOOOODDDD MOOOOOORNING PLANEEEEET EAAAAARRRRTHHHHH!!!!!!!!" she caterwauled into the microphone. "It's 12:00 NOON and time for your daily dose of P.A.R..." she then sang the words: "...Post Apocalypse Radio" as a jingle.

Cassie then dropped to a tenor: "The only radio station broadcasting in the greater Belleville area." She pushed Lenny out of his chair and planted herself into his seat.

Cassie's voice reverted to normal: "I'm your beautiful and gorgeous host, Cassie Kardon."

She cupped her hand over her mouth and simulated a distant voice: "We love you, Cassie Kardon!"

Cassie lowered her voice to a superhero baritone: "And I love you, random citizen." I giggled at the obscure movie reference.

Cassie's voice normalized. "With me, as always, is my trusted co-host..." She grabbed Sarah (Uncle Peter's oldest daughter), who just happened to be nearby, and pulled the precocious eleven-year-old into the seat next to her. "...Sarah Kardon! Say 'hello', Sarah."

"Hello, Sarah." That got a couple laughs.

"Sarah will be minding the phones for anyone who wishes to make a request. Listeners can also send an email to WWW-colon-double-forward-slash-dot-HTTP-double back slash-dot-pound sign-comma-LISTENERCOMMENTS-(all-one-word-and-all-capital letters.)-at symbol-POSTT-(with two "T"s)-underscore-APOCALYPSE-underscore-RADI0 (spelled with a zero instead of an 'O')-dot-com-dot-net-dot-gov-dot-org."

"Unfortunately," deadpanned Sarah, "our internet connection is down,"

That induced a few more laughs.

"Oh, shit! She is correct."

"I don't think you're allowed to say that word on the radio."

"I can't say 'correct'?"

"No, the first word."

"The word 'oh'? I can't say 'oh'?"

"No. The s-word."

"I can't say 'she'. Why can't I say 'she'?"

"No! The OTHER s-word."

"What s-word? Silly? Slow? Soap?"

"SHIT! You can't say 'shit' on the radio."

"Who says?"

"The F.C.C."

"Well, the F.C.C. can kiss my ass."

"I don't think they are so crazy about 'ass' either."

Cassie cupped her hand to simulate a siren. "We all know what that sound means... it's time for the..."

(Booming announcer voice) "...SURVIVAL TIP OF THE DAY!"

(Normal voice) "Yes, and today's survival tip of the day is brought to you by... penicillin. Penicillin... when your three-way makes your one-way burn... choose penicillin."

"So what's today's survival tip?" ventured Sarah.

Cassie paused for dramatic effect. "Don't eat glass!"

"Wow. Good advice."

"And that was..." (Booming announcer voice) "...SURVIVAL TIP OF THE DAY!"

At this point, the "studio audience" had increased to about twenty people.

Cassie turned to her co-host. "Hey, Sarah... If you could have dinner with any historical person, who would you pick?"

"Karen Carpenter."

"The anorexic singer? Why?"

"More food for me."

Half the audience laughed hard, while the other half groaned and booed.

"What's wrong?" asked Sarah. "Too soon?" More laughter and groans.

"Death is no laughing matter," scolded Cassie. "Look at all the kids who died at your school. Certainly, that's not funny."

"For the past forty-one days, there's been no phones, cable, or Internet. Even if not for agoraphobia, half of the kids at my school would have died by now anyway."

There was laughter all around at that.

Cassie and Sarah continued their shtick for another five minutes. They wrapped it up just in time for lunch and got a standing ovation.

Every day thereafter, Cassie and Sarah produced a short "Post-Apocalypse Radio" program. There were jokes, games, guests, comedy skits, and lots of improvisational stuff.

Uncle Peter provided Cassie and Sarah with a professional pair of microphones. Jodi Easton (trapped in her room on the second floor) and Jessica Claybourne (trapped in her bed on the main floor) were given radios, so they could listen.

Cassie created an impressive assortment of silly voice characters who would periodically trot into the "studio". My favorite was the nasally ghost of F.C.C. Chairman Thomas Wheeler. He'd occasionally haunt the studio and make empty threats whenever someone uttered a "bad" word.

Cassie's sense of humor ranged from silly to caustic. 

She was a good impressionist and occasionally mocked those around her. (Usually good-naturedly.) Her favorite targets were Jeannie, Frank, and Uncle Peter. Cassie mocked Jeannie's Victorian view of sex and her holier-than-thou attitude. She mocked Frank's "lawyerlyness" and profound cynicism. She mocked Uncle Peter's bossyness, his know-it-all attitude, and his unfortunate tendency to prattle. Most of the time, Uncle Peter would take Cassie's mockery in stride. But every once in a while, I'd see his eyes darken and his jaw tighten under an insincere smile, and I'd know Cassie had struck a nerve.

For most of us, the P.A.R. Show was something we could look forward to every day. And Cassie started every broadcast with an enthusiastic, "GOOOOOOODDDD MOOOOOORNING PLANEEEEET EAAAAARRRRTHHHHH!!!!!!!!" 

[I'd love to read your comments and suggestions. Do you like Cassie or is she a character I can trim out?]