Agoraphobia

Day 834 (Tin Foil Hat)

It was the eleventh day of September. Uncle Peter and I had just delivered a cooler of Dr. Harman's fish to the garage for Ellis.

"I was reading one of your 'Thor' comics, and I noticed the Incredible Hulk couldn't lift Thor's hammer," I observed.

"Right." confirmed Uncle Peter, "Only someone worthy enough to rule Asgard can wield Thor's hammer."

"But the Hulk was able to pick up Thor while Thor was wielding his hammer. So wasn't the Hulk actually lifting the hammer then?"

"You mean, vicariously through Thor?"

"Yeah."

We walked into the living room, sat down on the couch, and waited for lunch.

"I don't think that 'counts'. It's like if I used a crane to lift a car. I didn't lift the car. The crane did."

"So Thor's hammer can be raised by an unworthy person if they use a crane?"

"No. The hammer wh—"

"Praise Jesus!" shouted Jeannie from the hallway. "Blessed be the one who reads aloud the words of God's prophecy! And blessed are those who hear and fear it, for the end of days is here!" Jeannie sauntered into the living room. In her left hand, she held her Bible. In her right, she held a crucifix. Around her neck, she wore a rosary. All that was missing was a tin foil hat. "All praise Jesus!"

As Jeannie expounded, It occurred to me there was probably a parallel universe where Thor is still worshiped as a Norse god and Jesus was a comic book character.

"The Lord's coming is at hand!" prophesied Jeannie, spreading her arms out like a martyr. "And with bloody vengeance, he'll smite the perverted!"

Lenny came in from the kitchen, holding a dirty cooking spoon and wearing an apron. He smelled like roasted chicken and cider, and his face glowed from stove steam and anger. "Shut up, you ignorant cow!" he roared.

"Yeah!" smiled Uncle Peter. "Don't make me order my little sister to kick your ass again," he was in a good mood and apparently found Jeannie's voodoo bullshit amusing.

Jeannie pointed fervently at him with her crucifix. "Blasphemer!" she shouted. "Jesus came to me in a vision!"

Uncle Peter held up his hand. "Let me guess... He was white, had blue eyes, spoke English (with an American accent, of course), and confirmed everything you already believed was true. Am I right?"

Jeannie fixed him with an intense gaze. Her eyes were wide and glassy, thinly veiling madness beyond. "Jesus said I should strike down upon this house with fiery destruction and furious anger! And 'They will know my name is the LORD when you lay my vengeance upon them'!"

A woman's shriek came from a back room. Lenny immediately ran to investigate. Someone shouted: "Help!". A split second later, the hall's smoke detector activated.

"Fire!" yelled Lenny. "Fire!"

We were soon faced with a scene of utter pandemonium. Some were running to the fire while others were running away. Uncle Peter's useless mother-in-law, Penny, stood in the middle of the hallway, shrieking. Jimmy just sat there, gaping like a moron. Meanwhile, Jeannie stood in the middle of the living room with her arms outstretched, fervently spouting biblical-flavored bullshit. "Fear not, children. For soon we shall all be judged in God's merciful court. And the righteous, who know God, will forever be loved!"

Initially, Lenny was the only one to have his shit together. "Sound the alarm!" he shouted, grabbing a fire extinguisher.

That's when I snapped out of it. I ran to the alarm bell and started ringing the snot out of it while yelling: "Red Alert, Fire! Get the fire extinguishers!"