Agoraphobia

Day 825 (Nature)

I adapted myself to country life only out of necessity. NOT because of any love of nature. I'm a good farmer and an excellent hunter, but only because the agoraphobia apocalypse forced me to become those things. At my core, I'm a city girl who hates nature. I hope, one day, my descendants will know the joy of indoor chlorinated swimming pools and air conditioned miniature golf. Or to know what it's like to go a whole year without a mosquito bite.

I hate when I hear someone defend nature as if it's a person. Let me tell you about nature... Nature is a gross, pitiless BITCH! She doesn't care about us humans. The second we let our guard down, nature is there to make us miserable.

Two weeks after returning from our "vacation", I was checking traps near the woods. One of them had an animal inside I didn't immediately recognize. I walked right up to the trap and peered down.

Inside was a skunk. Its pink anus expanded, and out came two bright red tubes. There was an audible "PSSSSST" and putrid, yellow musk sprayed right into my eyes. PAIN! Blinding pain was all I could feel. I stumbled away, screaming. It was like getting sprayed in the eyes with acid. I was in so much pain, I didn't even notice the smell at first.

Then the reek hit me like a freight train. It made the stench of a dead body smell like Chanel N°5. I vomited. Then I vomited some more. Then more. After every last bit of liquid was expelled from my stomach, I continued to dry heave for what felt like an eternity.

Eventually, my vision cleared enough I was able to stumble back to the farm. Uncle Peter led me to the dock, where I spent the next hour scrubbing and shampooing. Afterwards, everyone said I STILL reeked. I sniffed myself, but I couldn't smell anything. Apparently, the receptors in my brain had shut down in self-defense.

Everyone in the house, including Uncle Peter, was adamant that tomato juice would remove the horrible smell. So a kiddie pool was filled with tomato juice, and I took an hour-long bath in it. There was no change in the smell. The tomato juice cure is a myth with no scientific validity. That's a great example of how truth is not a democracy. Just because the majority of people believe something doesn't make it true.

I wasn't allowed into the Main House. I was a pariah, forced to sleep in a sleeping bag in the barn. Even Bryce and Bender would have nothing to do with me. I was all alone and crying.

Apparently, someone in the Main House heard me; A short time later, Uncle Peter came out. He had cotton balls shoved up into his nostrils and a sleeping bag for himself. That meant a LOT to me.

The next day, Uncle Peter and I drove to the library on a quest for a cure. From a science book, we learned the real antidote for skunk musk was hydrogen peroxide mixed with baking soda and detergent. Fixed me right up. Science, you're my hero!

[Please remember to vote for this chapter by clicking the star in the upper right corner.]