Agoraphobia

Day 835 (The Least I Could Do)

In the morning, Uncle Peter and I made a bowl of cereal to give to Jeannie. "This time..." promised Uncle Peter "...if she says her god provided it, I'm going to poop in it."

A short time later, Uncle Peter and I were in the field looking down at what remained of Jeannie. Evidently, a pack of coyotes or wolves had come during the night. Jeannie's bloody skull and spinal column rested on a large patch of blood-soaked ground. Torn remnants of clothing, some duct tape, and a shoe were on the perimeter. The plate I'd left behind was also there, licked clean by whatever devoured Jeannie. Nothing else remained.

We went back to the farm and picked up a shovel, wheelbarrow, and a pair of rubber gloves. Uncle Peter shoveled what was left of Jeannie into the wheelbarrow.

Jeannie's skull, still attached to her spine, was staring up at us with empty sockets. Her jaw hung open. Uncle Peter knelt down to take a closer look.

"I hope you've learned your lesson, Jeannie," he said to the remains in the wheelbarrow. He reached over and manipulated her jaw with a gloved hand, so it appeared she was talking.

"I sure have, Peter," responded Jeannie. Her voice sounded like Uncle Peter's, except in a higher register. "Never again will I preach dogma or try to commit maaaaass murder."

"That's good," nodded Uncle Peter. "What made you see the error of your ways?"

"Well, Peter, when the wild animals were paiiiiiiinfully ripping the flesh from my body, I prayed to God to save me."

"And did your god save you, Jeannie?"

"No, he didn't. The animals continued to rip me apart in spite of my prayers."

"That must have been horrible."

"It sure was, Peter. That's when I realized there was no God, and I'd been living a lie. A lie so ingrained into my mind, I never questioned it until the verrrrrry end."

"Better late than never, Jeannie."

"I suppose you're right, Peter. At least I can say I had at least one moment of true clarity. Tooooo bad it came to me while wild animals were ripping out my entrails and fighting over them."

"Why did it take you so long to come to this realization?"

"To be honest, Peter, I lacked courage. I just didn't have the GUTS." Jeannie then burst into a reedy cackle. "HA ha he he he he he he!"

I laughed and stepped closer for a better view of Jeannie's remains. "I liked the conversation you were having. Very cathartic. But now, I want Jeannie to answer some of MY questions." I turned and spoke directly to the remains. "What kind of animals, Jeannie?"

Uncle Peter resumed his ghoulish puppeteering. "Um... I don't understand, Samber," asked Jeannie. "What kind of what?"

"What kind of animals ate you?" I asked.

"Oh! Well. I'm not really sure." she admitted. "They might have been coyotes OR wolves. I never learned to tell the difference."

"You'd might know the difference if you'd ever bothered to read more than one book, you ignorant cow."

"That's no way to speak to your elders, young lady. Besides, as I was just explaining to Peter, I've seen the—"

"...Error of your ways. Yes, yes, yes. I think it's swell you FINALLY realize the truth. But you're still a horrible person. You tried to kill my family because of YOUR religious beliefs. I'm so relieved you're the last religious freak living in my house. You tried to kill my little sister!" My eyes started to well up with tears, but I fought them back with anger. "What did she ever do to YOU?! I'm glad you're dead!" The silence stretched taut between us.

"I don't know what you expect me to say," grumbled Jeannie. "I already admitted I was wrong."

With folded arms, I leered suspiciously down at Jeannie. "People like you only admit you're wrong when you WANT something. So what do you want from us, Jeannie?"

"Um... Wellllll, now that you mention it, I'd like a traditional burial, followed by a dignified wake. I don't want to be cremated like Ned and Maud were. I think that's the least you could do."

"Fine! We'll respect your wishes."

"Really!?"

"No," I then grabbed the wheelbarrow by its handles and pushed it across the highway. Then, without ceremony or hesitation, I dumped Jeannie's remains into the poop pit. The skull and spine sunk slowly into the fermenting feces and disappeared. "Now, THAT was the least I could do."

[If you liked this book - please share it with your friends on social media. And don't forget to vote for this chapter.]