Whenever I Close My Eyes (Madam Secretary)

Coup d'état

Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw those life-changing events in Iran. The one I swore I would never forget again—if anything those moments would live with me until the day I died. Even more so after I had convinced the President of the United States to let me fly halfway around the world in hopes of stopping a coupe by two high-level state officials.

Henry had even tried to stop me by using what he lovingly liked to call the "husband card". I had gone as far as convincing him if the coup moved forward, it would take out the current government officials and Iran would be a failed state. He charged back at me how many radicals would love to kill me. I reassured him it was a secret mission. How they wouldn't know I was there because of the risk. Iran needed to know we had nothing to do with the coup.

Needless to say, he wasn't pleased with me—especially after telling him everything would be okay. I didn't know if I was okay with this. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach I wasn't going to be. Yet, I had pushed the thought to the back of my mind many times, not because it didn't matter, but more because I didn't want to worry him or the kids. The worry was real. For me, my job would always be some kind of liability to my family. Why not cover all your bases while you still can?

In light of going on this trip, I had to break it to Allison why I couldn't be there for her sweet sixteen. It broke my heart that in all this time I had been waiting for her to get to this age, and I wouldn't be seeing her on her special day.

When I arrived at Javani's home in Iran, I felt safe and knew I was among friends the minute I walked into his home. I was immediately introduced to his wife Marajel, an architect for the Zarand commercial tower located in downtown Tehran. She was amazingly beautiful and understanding for letting me come secretly.

Then came their two boys, Abdol and Katan. They were sweet and had a good sense of humor joking about American culture. I'm not sure their mother found it very funny, but I sure did. It lightened the mood to the pressing reason I had made this visit in the first place.

We talked for a good half an hour before Javani excused himself to talk to President Shiraz and I called home to wish Allison a happy birthday and made some lame joke to Henry about him modeling the apron au naturel when I got home.

Even that seemed like nothing when a bomb blasted through Javani's home, followed by ricocheting bullets. I watched in terror as my bodyguard Frank scrambled through the wreckage, only to be hit and land on top of me as he was instantly killed. If that weren't enough, I watched as another bullet struck Javani in the back as he tried to reach his eldest son, who only minutes before coming into the room to ask his father for help on an algebra problem.

His screams specifically for his father were utterly terrifying and heartbreaking as I reiterated his father's words to stay down as he huddled by the side of the couch. Being a mother, I broke down in tears knowing if those were my kids, I would have done anything to crawl across that room to protect them. Truth was, I couldn't do that now. All I could focus on was how traumatized he was going to be. How Frank had saved my life when he didn't have to. Even the talk with Henry came to mind when I wondered if one of those bullets would strike me down too. Would I get to see my own family again?

I wasn't sure how long after the bullets stopped flying, I was able to finally push Frank off me. My movements were slow as I used whatever I could to push away the glass and debris, so I could get on my hands and knees. After several minutes, I was able to start making a path to Abdol, who was now slumped against the far wall of the living room, knees drawn to his chest as he rocked back and forth.

"Abdol!" I tried yelling across the room as I pushed the damaged coffee table out of the way, but he didn't seem to hear me. He was in shock and close to a rapidly growing fire just a few feet away from him. It was clear we needed to get out of here and soon before we found ourselves stuck in a fiery inferno. "Abdol. If there's any chance of you listening to me, I need you to listen to me now. There's a fire to the left of us. It's creating thick smoke which is making it hard to breathe. If we don't get out of here right now, we won't make it out."

Raising his head a few feet from his knees, he kept his eyes averted from mine. It was the first sign he had heard me as I continued to push through the rubble to get to him. After a few more pushes, I struggled to take in a breath as I sat next to him against the wall, out of breath and exhausted. "I was young too when I lost both of my parents, but you have a mother and brother who still love you very much."

Glancing up, I didn't expect to see Marajel and Katan standing there. She was holding onto Katan tightly, facing him in the other direction from the body of his father and my bodyguard, Frank. It was unclear if he had seen his father lying there, but I knew by the heartwrenching look she knew her husband was dead. I knew I was to blame. I couldn't help feeling if I hadn't come I had just warned him some other way, or even sooner than I had, maybe both he and Frank would still be alive.

"Abdol. Come, we must go." Marajel stated firmly as she motioned for her son to get up off the floor. Then she gazed up at me as only a mother could, her tone urgent and to be obeyed. "We all must."

Like clockwork, he got up and crossed the room and she hugged both Abdol and Katan to her body tightly. I could only watch them from the floor, wishing that I was hugging my kids. There were many times I would like to admit they were irritated and drove me up the wall. However times like this, my arms ached to hold them until they couldn't stand to be held any longer.

"Elizabeth." Her voice was more soft-spoken this time, her hand outstretched the same way she had coaxed her son. "Come. We will find somewhere safe and get you back home." I nodded my appreciation, but somehow I doubted that it was enough after everything that had just happened. I wouldn't be surprised if her generosity wasn't a front so she never had to see me again. I wasn't so sure I wanted to see myself right now. As soon as I realized it was all crazy talk, I moved to my knees again. I used my weight against the wall for leverage to stand, a searing pain radiating through my back. It disappeared as quickly as it had come, and I promptly forgot about it.

We all moved silently toward the back of the house. With us all feeling emotionally gutted, I was fine with not talking about what happened back there. I hoped I wouldn't have to talk about any of it. I couldn't even form enough words for someone to understand everything that happened back there, other than I had failed to stop a well-planned mission.