Flutter by, Butterfly

Chapter 2

There was no party. That was nothing new; but what turned out to my birthday surprise, was a limo ride to a live, late night Saturday show. There wasn't much to remember or talk about on the ride up there. I'd ridden in them often enough that they had long lost their new appeal. There was nothing new or special about it. Mother, meanwhile, insulted everything about me as she usually did.

"Is that what you are wearing?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why would you choose that? You are going to meet a celebrity and possibly make it to the big time and you have to look so casual, like this is any other day!"

"Why not? I like what I'm wearing, and celebrity or not, I have no intentions to make it big time, and my birthday has always been just any other day, so why should today be any different?"

I wished I hadn't of said that. It would have been better for me if I had just remained silent. My mother always criticized me for everything. She also became verbally abusive when I would sass back at her, like I did just now. I turned my head away as the verbal assault sailed on. I did not cry. I learned to tune her out a long time ago. They still stung.... She never said anything to build my self-esteem up, ever. I was just ready for this day to be over, to go watch the show, and maybe later get to meet him back stage and get his autograph or something.

As she carried on, I dwelt on the thoughts within my head. What was it going to be like when I actually did see him in person? I quietly worried about it the entire trip. How would I even react when I see him? My social graces were pretty much limited to rejecting people before they had a chance to reject me. Would he even like me, or would he be just as disappointed in me as my parents always were? Whatever thoughts I worried of, the reality turned out to be much worse.

I found myself at the live show, not as a spectator, but as a live participant. I remember I panicked inwardly when I found out about it. It was an introvert's worst nightmare. I learned long ago not to let my discomfort show. It made me develop a "resting bitch face." It was almost instinct by then. I walked onstage, just like that. I sat down with the host, just like that, bitch face firmly in place. I could not even bring myself to speak to him, even as I openly stared at him. I'm sure I looked like I thought he was beneath me, and that being there was the last place I ever wanted to be. There was a grain of truth to that. Being onstage really was the last place I wanted to be, though I didn't personally mean him any harm.

He tried very hard to get me to open up. He truly did. After a very uncomfortable moment for both of us, that dreaded, awkward silence that the entire audience was picking up on, the host introduced Alejandro. He came out waving from the audience, a handsome smile on his face. Fitted jeans, a tight T-shirt, his hair was shorter than my poster; his face, more mature, but he was still gorgeous to look upon, his raven hair and sun-kissed skin. He tried to talk to me with the host. I wanted to talk to him. I really did. I think he could sense my vulnerability behind my mask. His face cocked to the side, his eyes full of concern. He could see right through my façade. I felt so small. I hung my head. I didn't think it could get any worse. I was wrong.

"Jani, your mother was worried that you would not be able to speak with us, so she left us a video," said the host.

"You mean to say, she knew she would be this upset, but she brings her here anyway?" asked Alejandro.

The host cleared his throat. It was indeed a very awkward situation. "Apparently so."

My mother's face came on the screen, that cruel smile I recognized from so many other past encounters. This was NOT going to end well.

"My daughter has been a fan of Alejandro's for as long as I can remember. At age twelve, I got her a life-size poster, and her own dildo, and she would masturbate to his image every night since-"

"STOP THE VIDEO!' yelled the host.

"Can you please turn the cameras off?" I heard Alejandro say.

I felt like I was going to throw up. My head was pounding, my throat closing in, I felt my entire body beginning to numb. My sight was getting blurry, and the world turned black.

"Jani, BREATHE!" Alejandro's voice sounded like a faded echo.

I felt strong arms carry me out. The entire world was spinning. I vaguely recall the feel of the ground beneath my feet when I was put back down. A warm embrace surrounded me, my cheek against his chest. I could feel his beating heart. I felt soothing hands rubbing my back. I had not felt this secure since.....Maria.

"Breathe," he whispered.

I audibly inhaled. I was not even aware I had stopped breathing. I vaguely acknowledged the scent of his cologne.

"Not exactly the motherly type, eh chica?" he asked.

I began to cry. I couldn't recall the last time I had done so. I wept onto his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head, rocking me back and forth.

"We're back on in five minutes," I heard the host say somewhere behind me. Alejandro stepped back, cupping my chin. "Are you well, little one?"

"I guess," I said, feeling resigned. The host passed me a tissue. "Thank you," I said.

"Do you feel like you can go back to the show?" he asked.

"You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing," said Alejandro, his eyes warm, and his smile, so kind.

The only alternative I had right now was to go back home. There was no one waiting for me, or willing to support me. As of this moment, these two strangers had been kinder to me than anyone left familiar to me.

I looked at Alejandro. "I think I would rather enjoy this time with you while I still can."

"Brave girl," said the host. "When we go back out there, I want you to keep your eyes on me and Alejandro. Just pretend that there is no one else in the room. Meanwhile, we will adjust the lighting and make you feel as comfortable as we can. Does that sound okay?"

Pretend there was no one else in the room.....Sure, why not? Couldn't be any worse than ignoring the entire student body at school. I took a deep breath. "Sure," I said, my resting bitch face back on.

They led me back on-stage. I could hear the crowd cheering when we came back on. That was a new one. I was used to jeering, but cheers?

I felt a gentle hand on the small of my back, leading me on. Alejandro gave me an encouraging smile. I didn't even notice that I smiled back. Before I sat back down, he kissed my hand. Those eyes...... Again there was something so familiar about them.

"Well," said the host. "After that very horrible woman, Jani, why don't you tell us about yourself? When did you first start becoming a fan?"

They both gave me their full attention. It was a very friendly atmosphere. They made it easy for me to forget what just happened. I found myself able to open up.

"My fandom began with my Nanny."

"Your Nanny?" asked the host. Alejandro looked intrigued.

"Her name was Maria," I continued on, explaining how good she was to me. I described the songs she used to sing, how they were very similar to Alejandro's, and that there was one I liked above all the rest. I attempted to sing it. I was a little out of practice with the tune, but the words I never forgot. I sang it the best I could, but then I began to feel tension in the room. I paused. I looked across from me to Alejandro, his eyes closed, and his chest taking shallow breaths.

"Al? We okay buddy?" asked the host.

Al opened his eyes. Those eyes......was he crying? I felt my head tilt to the side, searching. Memories flooded back to me, of Maria waking up from her sleep. "Mijo, come back to me..." Those eyes. I understood now. I could see her eyes staring back at me, her nose, her lips, her brow. This was Maria's son, sitting right across from me.