Flutter by, Butterfly

Chapter 15

I dreamed of him all the time now. Sometimes we were both young together, doing young things, kissing in the moonlight. Sometimes we were both grown-up. He would come home from work, and I would welcome him home. Sometimes my dreams were things that made me blush to think about....I missed him.

I began the habit of writing about him in a notebook I carried with me. I kept it by my side at all times. I called my notebook, "Dear Al." I would pour my heart and soul on those sheets of paper, of all my longings, hopes and dreams. I mentioned I don't know how many times in that spiral notebook, how much I wished it could have been different for both of us, that we would come from families that were stable, and loving. I also mentioned how happy and grateful I was to have him in my life, even at a distance.

I said things like I wondered who my real parents were, and if the ones who raised me ever really loved me. What if they actually had? What if they had treated Maria differently? What if Alejandro never came to be, and Miguel grew up just to be Miguel? Would he have grown up to be a soldier like Maria thought he was? Could it be, that I would have had two parents to love, a Nanny that loved me just as much as my mother, and one day, her son could come to visit her? Would I have developed a crush on him, and write in my diary the secrets of my heart as I did now? Would he have already been a married man with a family of his own? The thought made me sad.

I also wrote things that gave me joy. I was happy to have Alejandro in my life, even if it was only in my dreams. I was happy for knowing Maria, and all the times she made my youngest of days precious. I was happy for Loco and Dumb-dumb, and all their funny antics. They made me laugh so much.

I would write in that notebook every day. Sometimes several times. I didn't know what to do when I had finally filled it up. I didn't have any issues of others wanting to read it. Nobody was going to. By writing it out in the open like I had nothing to hide, most people just assumed that I was doing homework, but I didn't fancy the idea of losing it. I finally made a request to Dumb-dumb to allow me to store it in a lock-box at is house, as that's where I lived when I wasn't in school. Meanwhile, I'd grabbed another blank notebook, and kept writing. I was surprised with how soon I had filled up another. This continued on.

Eventually, Dumb-dumb began to worry about my social skills. I didn't like that. I admitted that this was always the way I was; to hide behind books and a pen. He and Loco both said it was all the more reason to put myself out there. They also didn't like that I was spending so much time daydreaming and writing about Alejandro. They worried that my life wasn't normal enough. They were right, it wasn't. It wasn't normal to have the nightmares I was having if I didn't keep my mind occupied. It wasn't normal to feel as numb as I did, and only capable of finding happiness in the memories of a maid I hadn't seen in years, or fantasize as I did about a man that was still a stranger; but it was all I had. Didn't they understand that? I was busy enough with my classes, but I could only do so much of it and run out of work to do. Writing about positive things, that was what helped me battle the darkness, but they thought I needed more than memories and fantasies. "You deserve to have a family." They managed to find out that I had some extended family, from my "mother's" side, as my father's kin had already been killed. He was her half-brother. It was an estranged relationship, and my uncle was not even aware of her death.

The father did the working. The mother I was told was a stay-at-home mom. He had a daughter by another marriage, and she had a son. Both of the adolescents were around my age. I was not very happy to hear that. I never had a good experience with people my own age.

Dumb-dumb and Loco both dropped me off at my "new home." "Al would have wanted it this way," they said. I did not want to believe it, but they did have a point. They were worried of my life before all this, of how my parents just hoarded me away, and more or less built in an obsession of Alejandro with me before I even met him, with all the things they threw my way.