Only Slightly Lost

Self-Improvement

I don't really know how to start this. I don't really know how to formulate my words at this point in time because right now all I can think about is how hurt I am.But in times like these I find that writing out my feelings might help me formulate the words I need.Not sure how that makes sense? Yeah me neither. I suppose, based on the information you're about to receive, it seems I may only person who understands anything I do or say. I guess that's just something that I need to get used to.

So here's to the bitch that convinced my friends I needed "self-improvement."

I don't want to say that I've been replaced, but I don't know how else to say the people that used to be my people are not my people anymore.

I don't know how else to say that I lost those people to a bitch that was not who I thought she was.

But I guess according to everybody else I'm the bitch and you're just the victim.

Poor you.

I don't want to say that I've been replaced, but I don't know how else to say it. I don't know how else to say I don't see one without the other. That used to be me.

It's you now. You're the one who laughs at their jokes every day. You're the one who sits in my spot at lunch, in the room that I wanted to sit in.

Ironic, it was only okay to sit in there when you and your best friend said it was. It's only okay to talk to the boy when she says it is. It okay for you to do it, but not me.

It's okay for you to fuck your way into the group but it's my fault that it got fucked up.

And what hurts the most is that I'm not even the one who did it. I'm not the one who slept with the only person in the group to have a genuine smile on his face all the time. Now anytime anyone says, "remember that one time?" Sirens go off in his head, and all he feels is regret.

At least I can say I relate.

I regret ever being friends with someone like you.

I regret ever looking at you and thinking wow she could be a good friend. Sometimes my subconscious can be such a fucking liar.

I should've known not to be friends with you when you decided to fuck the drug dealer instead of have self respect.

I should've known not to be friends with you when you shit on my relationship because the drug dealer didn't love you back.

Sometimes I feel sorry for you because you don't know how to be loved back.

You take that resentment that the drug dealer planted in you and you grow it elsewhere.

You took your anger and planted it inside of me and ever since the day you said the love of my life was my biggest mistake, it has done nothing but grow. So now I'm full of resentment.

Congratulations cunt, you got your wish.

Because not only did I lose my sanity, but I lost my friends because of you. You somehow managed to show them everything that you see in yourself and reflect it on to me. What sucks, is they were so blind to your bullshit that they believed it.

First things first "sweetie," you and I are nothing alike.

I may be alone now but at least I have self respect. You got the group, sure. But you hate yourself, and that's very clear.

I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry that the only way you could feel secure in your own skin was to was to lock me in a box and convince everyone that it was okay to throw away the key.

Apparently I'm insignificant.

Apparently I could use some self improvement.

Apparently I'm selfish, I'm mean, I'm a bad friend, and an all-around terrible person that makes decisions based on herself regardless of everyone else.

Why don't we talk about the one time I got you a fucking job, bitch?

What about that one time I testified on your behalf to get the manager fired from that job, bitch?

What about the time I supported you when you quit that job, bitch?

How about the time I supported you after you fucked the drug dealer and lied to your best friend about it, bitch?

How about the time I convinced you not to love the drug dealer, bitch?

And even after you ignored me about the drug dealer, I supported you, bitch.

Why don't we talk about that one time you lied and said you were at my house, bitch?

But really you were fucking my best friend, bitch.

I supported you, bitch.

And yet here you are, spewing about what a terrible person I am, "making decisions for myself"

Guess what? You don't know me, bitch.

Why don't we talk about that one time I was there for him when he lost his girlfriend, bitch?

I helped him through every anxiety attack.

Or, how about that one time I sat in his car and listened to him talk about everything that ever hurt him, bitch?

I don't see you doing that for your friends, bitch.

Or, how about that one time I convinced my father to give me his record player to give away, because his girlfriend was not his girlfriend anymore. And all he wanted was a record player, so I found a way to get him one.

But I'm selfish, right bitch?

Why don't we talk about that one time I was with your best friend while you were on the phone making excuses for all the reasons why you were being a selfish brat. Pointing out everyone's flaws but your own.

I sat there and listened to your best friend talk about how she's used to being treated like this by you. Because, instead of handling your own feelings like a fucking person, you decide to take it out on everybody else.

But I'm mean, right bitch?

I'm a shitty friend, right bitch?

I'm inconsistent, inconsiderate, and in need of self-improvement, right bitch?

Clearly you don't know who the fuck I am bitch.

Because the person you are describing seems a lot like the person you see in the mirror. So stop reflecting yourself on to me.

I would rather be anyone else then you, and it's unfortunate that it took me so long to realize what a fucking bitch you really are. And the fact that they are willing to listen to you? Just goes to show that they never really knew me either.

Let me tell you who the fuck I am, bitch.

I don't need self-improvement. I'm not inconsistent. I'm not inconsiderate. I love my friends.

Correction, I loved my friends.

I'm starting to realize that anyone who is willing to listen to you instead of me, is friend that I would never want to have.

So you can take your fuck buddy, you can take your distant acquaintance that was once my best friend, and you can take your fake ass "sister," and shove it all up your flat ass, bitch.

Consider me self-improved, bitch.