Only Slightly Lost

Myself

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I keep telling myself that I don't know why. I keep telling those who ask, that I don't know why. 

That's a lie.

I haven't been feeling like myself lately because I am not myself anymore. 

I was the type of person who smiled because she felt like it. I would laugh at things involuntarily because I just found everything to be funny. Lately it seems like every smile has to be forced and every laugh is no longer genuine. I don't find much to be funny anymore. My thoughts consume me and I can't decipher what is real and what my mind has made me believe to be true. I think that I've managed to push every good thing out of my life. If I push it away first, it can't leave me. 

I never used to be so afraid of failing. 

But lately the idea of a new beginning is more terrifying than the ending, because its a whole new opportunity to make mistakes. A whole new opportunity to disappoint everyone I want to impress. But honestly I am getting tired of trying to impress people. I am getting tired of hurting myself to prevent pain on others. I was trained not to put myself first, and now I am suffering the consequences. 

Self-love is important, I wish someone would have to me that before I lost myself to the hatred I created.