Under the stars || James McVey

chapter eighteen

James’ POV

A couple of weeks had passed since the party and fans were still persistent on finding out who the mystery girl is that I was with the other day. It was starting to drive me insane. They wouldn’t leave it be. It was all over the internet and was becoming a world trend – James McVey and his mystery girl.

It makes me wonder if Katherine had seen it, what she thought of it. I hadn’t seen her since then and although a part of me was glad for that because I didn’t want her to be harassed by the press, I still want to see her. I had fun when we went for breakfast, I can’t remember the last time I ever laughed or smiled like that. She never judged me, or demanded to know my secrets or my thoughts, she seemed to understand me and I like that about her.

None of the lads had brought her up again which I was grateful for. They seemed to get that it was a touchy subject and didn’t want to upset me again. I did apologise for completely blowing up on them and the simple response was ‘I get it’. I may be a bit of a jerk to them most of the time, but they put up with me and I love them for it. I don’t really deserve their patience and understanding, I know they want to help but I don’t think I deserve it. I don’t want them to put up with me, they shouldn’t have to. They shouldn’t need to.

Making my way into the kitchen of my parents’ house, - me and the boys always stay here whenever we come to Devon - I hear a lot of commotion. It seems Connor had drunk the remainder of the Red Bull and forgot to tell Tristan.

“Connor, for the last time, stop drinking my Red Bull!” Tris shouts, dumping the empty cans into the recycling bin. Yes, we’re good citizens and recycle things.

“Morning boys,” I smirk pulling out a bottle of water from the fridge.

“It’s afternoon mate,” Connor says, pointing to the digital clock on the side. Oh great, I’d slept in again.

“Oh right, where’s Brad?” I ask, noticing our curly haired friend’s absence.

“He went out for lunch. He’s meeting up with Katherine.” Connor shrugs as I spit my water across the table. “Ew, James, that’s gross!” He exclaims wiping down his arms from where the water landed. I ignore him and stand up.

“Why’s he meeting with Katherine?” I ask, trying to contain the bubbling sensation in my stomach.

“They’ve been hanging out a lot over the past week or more. He bumped into her a couple of days after the party and they exchanged numbers or whatever. Now they’re out for lunch, why?” Tristan tells me, not really understanding my sudden interest. To be honest, neither did I.

“Erm, I’m just wondering. Are they, like, dating?” Connor and Tris seemed unfathomed by my uneasiness and Connor shook his head.

“Ha ha, he wishes.” He mocks and I can’t quite explain the relief that washes over my body. “They’re just friends. Imagine the scandal though, she’s seen with both you and Brad – awkward!” Connor laughs and I punch him lightly in the arm.

“That’s not funny,” I retort. Tristan shakes his head and begins to laugh too.

“Come on, mate. I’m only joking,” Connor says as he walks over to the sink to refill his glass. “What’s your deal with her anyway? Do you like her?”

You know damn well I don’t like her.” I growl through gritted teeth, causing Connor to raise his hands up in defence and Tristan to sigh in defeat.

“James, listen.” Tris starts saying. “It’s perfectly normal if you have any form of feelings for this girl, you don’t have to hide away from your affections. James, it’s ok, it’s time to move on.”

“Move on? How the fuck do I move on?”

“James, it’s been a long time. We all know that the past can’t be forgotten, but it also can’t be changed. It’s in the past, and Katherine, well, she’s in the present and it’s alright to let her in if you want to.” After seeing my confused expression towards his words, he continues. “I saw what happened the other night, I’m not blind. It’s obvious you both have issues, but the way she cared for you then, I can tell she’s worth it. Maybe if you won’t talk to us, you can talk to her. Just don’t shut everybody out, and don’t shut her out.”

Tristan doesn’t give me chance to respond before patting my back and leaving the room with a very cautious Connor on his tail. I bow my head in shame at his words. He’s right; I’ve managed to shut everybody out and make them feel like shit and as if they have done something wrong, when in reality, they’re the only ones doing it right. Well, except the fact that they probably should have left my sorry ass, then maybe they’d be happy. They wouldn’t have me to mother and look after, they’d be ok on their own. I may be the oldest, but I sure as hell don’t feel like it. I’m sick of tearing them down, pulling them to the ground with me. Yeah, we have our perks as a band and musicians, but they would be fine on their own, wouldn’t they?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Everything is so muddled up and nothing makes sense. Yet, out of all of this mess, there is one thing that makes sense. One thing that, for just a little while, makes me forget who I am, and what I’ve done. The one thing that makes me feel whole again, burden less.

Fumbling around for my phone, I search aim fully for that one thing that makes the world stop spinning and fills it with colour. Hovering over the call button, I press the name and call the one person that would understand my dire need for redemption and clarity.

I call Katherine.