Under the stars || James McVey

chapter nine

Katherine's POV

Soon enough, I was kicking off my shoes and collapsing on my bed in an exhausted state. My feet were killing, and I was glad to be home. Today was a little too much to bare.

I kept thinking about last night, how James, out of all people, comforted me whilst I was in a state. His soothing words and slowly rubbing circles on my back lingered still, and it made me wonder if he knew afterall. I mean, why else would he do what he did? Maybe I'm just overthinking this, maybe he was just that kind of caring person, that let you cry into his shirt without complaining. But, he didn't ask me why I was crying, that's what is making me wonder whether he knows about, like Cameron suggested. Or maybe he was just being polite, and didn't want to pry.

I still think about what happened. I can't seem to get it out of my head. It just remains there, refusing to be forgotten. It's in my every thought, every moment. It's with me when I go to work, when I'm with my friends, when I go to sleep. It's like a nightmare I'm living, and I keep living it over and over again, and I can't seem to wake up. I never wake up, because it's not a dream, or a nightmare. It's real and you can't change reality, no matter how hard you try. It's forever there, frozen in time, a past experience, an experience that is stubborn and won't go away, as much as I want it to.

I don't want to remember anymore. I just want to go away, but it won't. I can't let it. I need this, as much as I hate it. I need the pain, the sorrow, the guilt. I need it all, because what kind of person am I, to move with my life when he can't? How can I be happy, when he no longer can?

I try to push back my thoughts, but it's too hard. My subconscious always wins my battles, no matter how hard I try to fight it. It's all your fault. You did this.

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I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up, it was dark out, the moon light cast itself into my room, giving a faint glow. I pushed myself up off the bed and scoffed at the site of me, I'd fallen asleep in my work uniform. I rolled my eyes and continued towards the window seat of my bedroom. I looked up at the stars and the moon as they sparkled in the dark sky. It was a beautiful night, with not a cloud in sight, leaving the open sky to all its glory.

I took it upon myself to grab a couple of blankets and an extra pillow and build them up on the window seat for comfort. At least then, if I fell asleep once more, I'd be thinking of the stars and their neverending beauty.

 I sighed and cradled myself in a blanket, the other draped over my legs as I curled up and laid my head against the window frame. Thoughts of last night and the accident kept circling through my brain, refusing to go to sleep. It's been a while since I thought of it like this. I mean, it was always there, in the corner of my mind, each day, but it had never been this intense before. I struggled to keep my calm and I felt as if another breakdown was surfacing slowly. It was strange for me to have had one last night, especially will all the supposed progress I've made over the last few months, but when I took a trip down memory lane, it all come back to me, and now it won't go away. 

Thoughts are dangerous things when you become consumed by them, and I can't help thinking if it should go away, if this is punishment for my crimes. The pain that surges through me, I can't help but wonder if this was what was meant to happen, if I was meant to be put through this and to endure it because of what I did. But what did I do exactly?

That's just it, I did nothing. 

I was afraid and confused, but that was no excuse. I could have done more. I should have done more. But, I didn't. And now, I can't go back. It's like this forever, and there is nothing I can do to change it. 

People always said that life was unfair, I never give much thought to how they were right.

It was my fault.