Fusion || Luke Hemmings

46

Chapter 46

Alexis’ P.O.V

My heart started racing as soon as I read the very first word in that paper.

“Family…I’m not saying dear because that would be so fake and selfish. We all know how none of you are so dear to me, not even you Joshua, not anymore. I feel nothing, feel nothing but sorry for all of you. I wish I could have loved you, I was supposed to…somewhere in my heart I know I should love you, since you are my family, especially you my kids, the ones I gave birth to, blood of my blood…” My hands weren’t the only thing shaking anymore, my whole body was. Those tears falling down my face were the fruit of something I couldn’t explain, some feeling’s fruit, some hard and rough feeling. I cleaned my eyes with the back of my hand so my vision would get less blurred. I sighed and kept on reading “but unfortunately I can’t, I am not able to, I never was…I’ve never loved you and I never will, not as much as I should so. I am a hell of a mother, I am horrible and during all these whole seven years I have been nothing but a fuckin third baby that you, you Joshua have to take care of.” I let the biggest sob of all the sobs history escape from my mouth when suddenly the image of a little girl, a little girl in her seven years was running towards her parents’ bedroom. She was scared and afraid of what she would find when she got there, her heart was beating as fat as mine was right at that moment, reading that letter, the one which that little girl’s mother wrote, probably just moments before she found her that way. “I have been such a pain in the ass, a shitty mother with a stupid and useless post-labour depression…that is right…they say these are very frequently, women have these a lot and that after a while they go away. Guess I am a very rare case since mine is still here and I am assuming it will last forever unless I end this and I freaking need to end this.” I couldn’t even breathe anymore, not when all the memories came back, not when all those freaking horrible memories came into my mind and from a moment to another I became that little girl again, and right at that moment I was reaching my parents’ bedroom, I was almost there when I heard my father calling out my name. His tone was scary and had worry on it, I knew it from the beginning I wouldn’t like what I was about to find, I could feel it. “I tried, I swear I tried to love you once or twice, I tried to care of you my kids, to care about you but I simply couldn’t, my mental curse wouldn’t let me to.” And then it happened, I finally reached it, I reached their bedroom and as soon as I got next to my brother, my brother who was crying and frozen right there, I looked inside, I freaking looked inside the bedroom. It was awful, I was a seven year old girl, the seven year old girl with the biggest broken heart of all time. “So I am writing this just to say…I tried, I freaking tried but it was useless…Nothing, I have never felt a bit of love for you, Michael and Alexis…maybe I did felt something, when you were both inside me, when I was fat and ugly carrying you both inside my belly. But not now, not anymore…I am writing to say that what I’m about to do is what needs to be done, otherwise you will be the ones suffering…you are lucky your end wasn’t a long time ago, a long time ago when what I am about to do to myself was what I wanted to do with you…” She was there, right in front of me, that fucking belt was tight around her neck, her eyes were wide open and they seem to be asking for help, asking to be saved. Her mouth was open either, she wasn’t breathing. She was dead, my mother was dead and me…oh me…that seven year old girl speechless and with her eyes full of tears right in front of her, was the reason of it, I was the reason why she was dead. “Goodbye family…family I wish I could have loved somehow.” My vision was tremendously blurred but yet I was able to read her last words, those last freaking words, those last crooked words.

I wasn’t even sure if I was still fighting it, if I was still trying to regain my breath but even if I was, it wasn’t working. I wasn’t able to breathe, I was suffocating, choking with my own tears. I knew what was happening, I knew what was about to happen if I couldn’t recover my breath.