My Little Stargazer(Adopted by Remington Leith)

(21) - Pretending

At our last concert in February I made a mistake and paid for it with no sleep. I had a Raffi song running through my head. Down By The Bay. We just finished Get Higher and were taking a quick break to get a drink and catch our breath. "How many you of you know who Raffi?" Hands went up and a few people screamed. I smiled. "How many of you know the song Down by the Bay?" Less hands and fewer screams. "Sing with me?" I asked. They cheered. I started singing and they joined me. Thirteen hundred kids singing a ridiculous Raffi song. I grinned and looked to my right to see what Cherry thought. I could just imagine her dancing and clapping and singing. And then realized she wasn't there. I missed the next few words and stumbled through the last verse of the song. I could barely make myself finish the concert.

———

By mid-March I was doing a lot better. I still missed Cherry, but I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. It hurt, knowing I couldn't help her, but putting it behind me helped some.
I hadn't proposed yet. I'd been waiting for the right time. Plus I needed people to be back in LA. Like Sebastian and Emerson. But mostly I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I'd stopped talking about Cherry. Monica tried to bring her up in conversation, but I couldn't take the pain I felt just talking about her.

———

Monica and I had spent the night at mine, Sebastian and Emerson's place. In the morning she was out of bed first which was weird because she was less of a morning person than I am. I got up and pulled on a pair of sweats before shuffling out of my room and down the stairs. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs. Monica and Sebastian were talking in the kitchen.
"I thought you said things were better?" Sebastian said.
"Well, they were, but now he's pretending that it never even happened. That she never existed. The lion is gone." Monica replied.
"Lion?"
"Her lion. That she gave to him. I haven't seen it in days. He used to protect it with his life and it was always close to him, but now it's just . . . gone. I'm worried there's something he's not telling me."
"Maybe he's just-"
"Just what?! He loved her and I know he's hurting, but pretending she was never a part of his life is just going make things worse. He won't talk to me about it anymore. He just gave up on her." The longer I listened to them talk the more pissed off I got.
"He-"
"What am I supposed to do, Monica?! What do you want me to do?!" I stepped into the kitchen. They both stared at me with wide eyes. "I lost her! I promised her I would see her again soon! I told her that three months ago! I can't fix this! And I can't keep pretending that I can! So please, tell me what do! Because I don't know anymore!"
"Baby, I'm sorry." Monica took a step toward me.
"You can't even begin to imagine how much it hurt losing her! And it hurts even more knowing I may never get her back! I don't want to talk about her because it hurts! I put the lion away because looking at it hurts. I broke my promise. And she's somewhere out there probably hurt and upset and she's probably given up me because I promised I would see her again and I lied!" I was having trouble breathing.
"Rem, deep breaths. Calm down. Please." I tugged at my hair and tried to breath. I focused on the kitchen floor.
"We're worried about you, Remington." Sebastian said softly. "You can't give up on her. Get a grip and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You and I both know she still needs you. Just because there's nothing for you to do right now doesn't mean there won't be something you can do later."
"Pretending she was never in your life, that she didn't have as much of an impact as she obviously did, is just making things worse." Monica said.
"I-I don't know what do anymore. I don't want to go on like this. It hurts. All the time. It never stops." I looked up at Monica, blinking back tears.
"Talk to me! Let me help you!" She pulled my hand away from my head and held it in hers. "Please! I know it hurts, but the way you're dealing it with it is really unhealthy." She wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head.
Somewhere upstairs a phone started ringing. Sebastian walked past the two of us to go find out whose it was. Monica and I stood there with our arms around each other.
"Stop pretending it doesn't hurt, that you're okay. I know you're not okay."
"Gotta run an errand. Back in a bit." Sebastian came running down the stairs, jacket trailing behind him.
"Okay?" I said as he ran toward the door. "That was weird. I haven't seen him move that fast without alcohol in his system in years." Monica giggled and I smiled.

Boom! Two in one day!