When the Ex Returns

Chapter 1: Back from Nowhere

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*** Back from Nowhere ***

I have few regrets in my life. Sino bang wala? Hindi ako naniniwala sa mga taong nagsasabi na wala silang pinaghihinayangan sa buhay nila. One point or another, sigurado ako, may pinagsisihan din yang mga yan. Ayaw lang talaga nila aminin o di naman kaya natutuhan na rin nilang i-embrace ang naging epekto ng kanilang naging bad move once upon a time.

Well, ganun ang nangyayari sa akin. I learned to adjust to the situation after making a wrong move. Gaya nong nagpa-tattoo ako sa may ankle ko. I know I should have opted for henna tattoo pero back then yun kasi ang cool. But anyway, nandito na eh. I just have to flaunt it when I make gala-gala and hide na rin if I have to work. Simple lang naman diba? Ganun lang naman ang buhay. Move on or get drowned.

And speaking of regrets, nagsisisi ako na nag-attend ako dito sa seminar na ito. Well, it's part of my job na mag-attend ng mga seminars as a Project Officer. Pero, I can actually let my colleagues do it at kunin ko na lang ang reports nila later. I can just check the documentation later para sa gagawin kong communication and visibility report. Kaso nga lang, first time ko makauwi sa bayan na ito after, like five years, simula ng I chose to work for a developmental group away from home.

Taga-dito talaga ang pamilya ko. But when Mom died and I have to take on the responsibility of being the eldest child to a younger sister, kelangan ko maghanap ng trabaho na mas malaki ang kita. God! Malaki ang sweldo sa mga non-profit organization no especially if you have good educational background. Sino ba naman ang hindi yun iga-grab? The plan was, I just have to stick with the job until matapos lang ang kapatid ko. But then, things happened. I don't regret anything.

Talaga! Promise! I don't regret a thing! Well, there are some things na huwag na lang natin pag-usapan. It's a minor glitch anyway. Kahit pa I second-guess my decision on those matters, it really doesn't matter now.

"We are acknowledging the presence of the Provincial Director of PNP and his group. Welcome Sir," sabi ng emcee.

Agad kong nilingon ang mga kakarating na bisita. I'm ready to make this what-the-fuck-why-are-you-late look. Ilang oras na rin kasing nakastart ang activity and it is vital na makastart ang participants from the very start. For crying out loud, this is a disaster risk reduction and management planning workshop! Kakainis naman tong mga taong ito oo. Masyadong pa-importante! Ayaw ko talaga sa mga taong late. They should set their priorities. Kung hindi sila makakarating on-time, they should have sent someone else. Yung kayang pangatawanan ang attendance niya sa activity. At isa pa, being a department head, they should set an example. And for me, a disaster risk reduction and management workshop in this time and age is very necessary with all the things that are happening sa environment natin. There goes my environmental advocacy litany...

So yun na nga, pagkalingon ko I saw this over-confident chief inspector or something and his alipures. Why do some people feel so important? Andito naman si City Mayor pero he doesn't feel too important. He won't be available for the whole day, though. I understand that.

Well, I can't help but stare again to that pa-importanteng tao , this time, with be-careful-I-will-eat-you look naman. Nakakainis kasi. If he is just looking at me, siguro maiilang to. He should be!

Napansin ata ng isa niyang alipures na lagi ako nakatingin kay Mr. Police (like I'm so ready to devour him) kaya parang may ibinulong siya rito. Agad akong napabalik ng tingin sa nagpre-present sa harapan habang napatingin-tingin pa rin (through my peripheral vision, of course). Well, I must be mistaken. Hindi naman siya tumingin sa akin (or hindi ko lang napansin).

Teka nga lang! Bakit ba ako natatakot na tumingin sa kanya. Siya ang may mali dito no. Siya ang late!

Pero.... sandali lang. Hindi rin naman tama na palagi akong tumingin sa kanya diba? Baka isipin pa niya may gusto akoa sa kanya. I remembered na sabi sa akin ng ex-boyfriend kong pulis, nagfi-feel daw silang gwapo basta naka-uniform kahit pa nga hindi naman talaga kagwapohon. I remember that clearly. That's the reason siguro kaya most police ay mayabang (though, hindi naman lahat. I know some na hindi naman. Gaya ng yumao kong ama). Well, wag na lang natin pansinin ang late. Bahala na nga si Batman sa kanila.

"I just have some questions" narining kung sabi ni Mr. Police (o ng kanyang representative, I really didn't pay attention na). Basta alam ko, it is from their side of the conference room. "We already do these things. I don't see the point of still discussing it. The government has already laid plans, strategic and systematic plans, why do we have to go over this?"

Agad kung inagaw ang microphone from the facilitator (isa ko pang kasamahan actually) who should handle these matters bilang siya ang expert sa mga DRRM matters. Well, it's the advantage of being in the front-madali mong maaagaw ang microphone from anyone especially pag nagpantig ang tenga mo sa pagka-arogante ng participant.

"Well, if you were just here during the discussion of the rationale, which is you didn't able to hear because you are three hours late, this workshop is not just about the emergency response we do when a disaster hit. This isn't just about typhoons and earthquakes, fires or other emergencies. This is a workshop that will change our way of living towards a more resilient and climate-change adaptive community. And if you were able to hear our City Mayor's message earlier, which again you didn't, you will know that there are still a lot of things that different department, especially your department, should be doing to prepare this city."

Siniko ako ni Beth, ang facilitator ng activity, which is my sign na dapat na akong tumigil dahil sobrang matabil na ang bibig ko. Hindi naman ako insensitive. Nakakainis lang talaga minsan. I can't help it. I raised my hands in defeat and just mouthed "I'm sorry". I don't want him to see that pero tama na rin na makita niya yun. At least, it won't affect our credibility as a group. It was my honest and personal mistake.

Tumayo na rin si City Mayor to answer the question perhaps pero wala na ata akong lakas ng loob na makinig sa sasabihin niya. Naramdaman ko kasi na pumupunta na sa utak ang dugo ko. At parang tila nagha-hyperventilate na ako. It's not because of shame, of course. Bakit naman ako mahihiya. It's because of anger. At least, napalabas ko ang hinanakit ko. Para kasing pinalalabas niya na useless itong ginagawa namin. That's insulting! Hindi niya ba alam na ang laki na ng problema natin sa ating kalikasan?

Habang hawak ni mayor ang mikropono, panay naman ang tingin niya sa akin habang nakangiti. I don't hear a thing, kahit pa nga nasa harapan lang ako, kasi parang nablangko na ang utak ko. I still smiled, though. I guess he is appeasing me and Mr. Police Officer. Well, he knows na malaki ang maitutulong namin sa bayan niya but still can't say no to the other one kasi peace and order naman ang nakasalalay. Bahala siya. Basta ako, hindi ko siya naririnig dahil iba na talaga ang pakiramdam ko.

Pagkatapos ni Mayor magsalita, tumayo naman ako to go to the restroom. Actually, kanina pa akoa wiwing-wiwi pero ayoko namang mabastos ang nagsasalita. Nakatakas lang naman ako this time kasi medyo nag-settle down lang ng kaunti ang crowd after that speech.