When the Ex Returns

Chapter 13: Way Too Confused

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*** Way Too Confused ***

TINITIGAN LANG AKO ni Beth ng walang kurap-kurap. I don’t know what to say pa. Sinabi ko sa kanya lahat ng nangyari including yung nangyari sa hotel. He now knows about Vic as the unnamed ex-boyfriend na naikwento ko sa kanya before and how much I want a proper closure with him bago man lang sana ako makasal kay Alfred. But all that is happening now is not really helping me. Sigurado na ako eh. Sigurado na ako na magpapakasal ako kay Alfred kasi yun ang pinaka-wise na decision na gagawin ko. With Alfred, makakasiguro ako na he won’t give up on me in sickness and in health, for poorer or for richer. But why am I so confused right now?

“C’mon, Beth. Sabihin mo naman kung anong iniisip mo. Naguguluhan na ako,” I’m actually teary-eyed now. Hindi naman kasi nakakatulong ang ganitong mga moment . I want some perspective, opinion, comments, and even violent reaction. Hindi yung, wala lang.

“You really want to hear what I say?”

Of course, I do. Pero hindi na ako sumagot pa. Tumango na lang ako. Kasi kung may lalabas pa sa bibig ko, kahit kunting utal lang, iiyak na talaga ako. That would be messy.

“You shouldn’t get yourself into this mess in the first place. I know you want closure from Vic pero, Ana, binigyan ka na ni Lord ng anghel, pupunta at pupunta ka pa rin doon sa devil? What are you thinking?”

I don’t want to answer that. Alam ko na naman yan eh. Kahit hindi pa niya sabihin, alam ko ang choices ko – an angel and a devil. I know. Pero, talagang mambola si Satanas eh. Anong magagawa ko. Now I feel how Eve felt in the garden of Eden ng tinutukso siya ng serpent. It’s a lame comparison but it’s what I’m thinking right now.

Kinuha ni Beth ang kanyang laptop at tila may isinearch sa kung anong search engine. At this very time ha, mas pinili pa niyang magresearch kaysa sa suportaan ang isang naghihirap at naguguluhan na kaibigan.

“Check this out!” sabay harap ng laptop sa akin. “You see! You shouldn’t be fooled by this guy.”

Tumambad sa akin ang Facebook page ni Vic na ang mga post mostly ay from one girl na ang pangalan ay Marla Escribir. Karamihan ng kanyang post sa wall ni Vic ay may status na “feeling loved with” though hindi naman pangalan ni Vic ang nakasulat pero larawan niya ang nasa picture.

“Pano mo nahanap ang FB page niya?” I know it shouldn’t be the question that I should be asking by this time pero sa interesado ako eh.

“The day you told me about a participant sa workshop natin, kinabahan na ako sayo. Alam mo naman na Alfred-supporter ako ever kahit wala naman talaga siyang kakompetensiya. So I searched for this guy you called Vic. There, I found his account.”

“But why are you showing this to me?”

“I have two points for you. First, may babae na post ng post sa wall niya about feeling loved. Ibig sabihin nito, he is in a relationship or he is just fresh from a breakup. Tingnan mo naman, last post ng babaeng ito is just a month ago. ”

Tama nga naman ang observation ni Beth. Medyo bago pa nga talaga ang comment na yun. At yun lang talaga ang pinakahuling post sa wall niya.

“Second, he is not using his real name. He is using a pen name. I suppose itong apelyido niya dito, sa mother’s side niya to. Tama?”

“Yes”

“So, as I was saying, he is not using his real name because he is hiding something. Ang hypothesis ko diyan ay hindi niya ginagamit ang real name niya para kung may bago siyang diskartean, hindi siya mahahanap sa Facebook. At the same time, hindi siya aawayin nitong babaeng ito for not being open about their relationship. You see! He is a bastard.”

“Pero mga theory mo lang naman yun diba? I mean, we cannot actually prove it.”

“Oh my god, Ana! Bakit mo ba ipinagtatanggol itong Vic nato? I’m already giving you reasons to doubt his credibility. Bakit?”

“I don’t know Beth. I really don’t know.”

Hindi na lamang nagpatuloy ng pagkausap sa akin si Beth. Instead, she left me and went back to her table. Dahil kami lang namang dalawa ang nasa office dahil may field work ang iba naming kasamahan, it feels good to just sulk down and let my tears roll.

“Beth, do you think I still love Vic?”

“Dammit, Ana! You are not in love with him. You are in love with Alfred. C’mon! Nakalimutan mo na ba lahat ng sakripisyo ni Alfred para sayo?”

I can’t dare answer that. Hindi ko naman nakakalimutan lahat ng ginawa ni Alfred para sa akin. Lahat yun puro mabuti. Wala akong maitulak-kabigin. And with Vic, wala rin akong maalalang magandang memory about our past. As I actually go back to the days na kami pa, narealize ko na he really didn’t love me. I may have felt it before pero siguro, noong mga panahong yun, blinded lang ako sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya. But if I really think about it, he really didn’t love me. And that’s what’s still haunting me until now.

“Paano kung I’m not actually in love with Alfred. Na, tinatanaw ko lang na malaking utang na loob ang lahat sa kanya kaya we’re still together?”

Natahimik si Beth. She might be thinking na I have a point. Pero the minute I said those words, ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. I don’t want to feel that way towards Alfred. He is such a great man. Hindi dapat ganun ang nararamdaman ko for him. Dapat kong suklian ang kung ano mang pagmamahal niya sa akin at the very same amount and intensity. Hindi ganito na mayroon akong pag-aalinlangan.

“What if I really give Vic a chance? Ano kaya ang mangyayari?”

“Yan ang hindi mo gagawin, Ana. That’s absurd. Pano si Alfred? Pano ang kasal? Would you really give it all up for just this one chance with a man who really didn’t love you? A chance with the man na ang mahal lang ay ang sarili niya?”