When the Ex Returns

Chapter 14: Endings and Beginings

Almost done. Please don't get confused with the chapters. I'm still making revisions.

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*** Endings and Beginings ***

Ilang araw na rin akong balisa after that confrontation with Vic. I am still thinking about what Vic said, his sincerity (kung totoo man, his gestures, and possibly the looming reality that I somehow miss him). Pero nahihiya na rin ako kay Alfred. Palagay ko, napapansin na niya na malalim ang iniisip ko. Hindi na nga ako halos nakikipag-usap sa kanya, sa personal man o through phone when he is away for work. I don’t know. Parang sinusubukan ko rin ang sarili ko na maging distant kay Alfred. I want to know kung talaga bang I really love him o di naman kaya I just need him. I don’t like this thought but...

Kung nandito lang sana ang mother ko, hindi na ako maguguluhan ng ganito. She knows what to say to clear my mind. Pero kung nandito siya, sasabihin niya rin na si Alfred ang gusto niya for me and how much of a bastard Vic is. Just like what she said before she died.

Pero naisip ko rin, why am I confused? Wala namang issue dito eh. I’m happy and contented with Alfred. I really am. Pero…

“Can we talk?”

Nasa bahay na ako ngayon. Usually, ako talaga ang nauuna kay Alfred sa pag-uwi. Mas hindi naman kasi demanding sa time ang line of work ko unless we have to do some field work. Pero this time, nauna siyang dumating sa akin which is a bit unusual kasi nabanggit naman niya na mayroon siyang gagawin today that he might be home late. And what is more unusual ay, pagpasok ko pa lang ng bahay, “can we talk” line na agad ang bumungad sa akin. Nakakakaba (especially for someone who has a lot of things to keep from  his fiance).

I just didn’t say a word at umupo na lang katabi niya sa sofa. I didn’t really got too close to him kasi parang may sumpong ata. Siyempre, tinitimpla ko rin naman ang mood niya. And, as of the moment, this is the right thing to do--to keep a distance.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you are meeting him?”

Biglang lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib at tila pinapaiinitan ako sa kinauupuan ko. I don’t have an idea what he is talking pero I can’t fool myself, and even him. Pero I don’t want to show that I am uneasy about this situation. Baka iba naman kasi ang tinutukoy niya.

“I’m sorry?”

He got up without looking into my eye. He must be really angry pero pinipigilan niya ang sarili niya. I have a feeling now that this is all about Vic though hindi rin naman ako sigurado doon.

“I know what you did. Please don’t try to deny it.”

“Is this all about Vic?”

“Sino pa ba sa tingin mo?”

At last, humarap siya sa akin na tila nagpupuyos na sa galit pero pinipigilan pa rin. I haven’t seen him like this before. Never in our entire 5 years of relationship na nagalit siya sa akin. Tampo, oo. Pero galit, never. At never niya pa din ako napagtaasan ng boses. He is always calm and controlled. Well, hindi pa rin naman ako nakagawa ng something na ikakagalit niya before.

This is so inferiorating. Kinakabahan ako. Ayoko ang ganitong Alfred but this is all my fault. I think I actually deserve this.

“It was just a friendly chat,” I’m keeping a cool voice. I can’t sound too defensive. I have to make him believe na it really was just a friendly chat. “He was around town so we meet up. Isa pa, nagkita kami noong may activity kami sa Tagum. There’s nothing more to it, Fred.”

I want to make it sound like it is really what’s happening. But God knows that it isn’t. Right now, I am very confused. As much as possible, ayoko sana ng ganitong conversation until I get to sort out what is this I am feeling right now.

“Gusto ba niyang makipagbalikan sayo?”

“No!”

“Don’t deny it. May nakarinig sa inyo.”

“Eh alam mo naman pala,” I can’t help but shout back and stand up. Feel ko, nasa interrogation room ako ng mga police when they are some sort of grilling their suspects. And I don’t like this kind of accusation kasi it makes be feel more guilty about the situation and not telling him anything about it. “Bakit ka pa nagtatanong? Sana dumiritso ka na lang sa point mo. What are you up to? Kill me by mortification?”

“All I want is that you be honest with me, Ana. Akala mo ba na hindi ko napapansin? You still want that Vic in your life. Rebound lang naman talaga ako diba?”

“Why would I be in this relationship kung rebound ka lang Fred,” Mas nilakasan ko pa ang boses ko. Feeling ko, by doing this, I can actually make him realize that he has nothing to do worry about. “We won’t reach fucking five years kung rebound ka lang. Ano ba?” That actually sounds true. I mean, it’s kinda true. I mean, I really do love him. Hindi naman basta rebound ko lang siya. For crying out loud, I am capable of moving on.

“Then tell me the truth! Bakit nakipagkita ka pa sa kanya after all these years. You could have just bailed out.” He was teary-eyed as I searched for his eyes. I could see that this is really tearing him apart. I never knew that he really felt so inferior over Vic all these years.

“Dahil gusto ko ng closure. Dahil, oo, I still have feelings for him until now. Feelings that I am confused kung pagmamahal o bitterness. And I want to make it clear before we get marry. Para wala akong what-ifs. Happy?”

That made him silent. It just slipped from my mouth. Hindi ko naman intention na sabihin yun but it is actually what I feel. At isa pa, he is asking for the truth. I just gave him the truth.

“You should have said that years ago, Ana.” He turned his back on me, went to our bedroom, and after a while, may dala na siyang travelling bag. “This isn’t goodbye. Just tell me kung ano na plano mo after you sort out your feelings.”

Then, he left.

It hurts to see him go. He always walks out on me like that but not with a bag, not with a huge travelling bag na tila hindi na siya babalik pa. Nagtatampo siya sa akin madalas, tinatalikuran ako but, at the end of the day, he always comes back like nothing happened, that we can leave everything behind and just be in love all over again. Pero this time, parang iba. I can’t dare follow him and tell him that we should talk this through, ayusin ang gusot before the night passes. Alam ko kasi, we need this. Rather, I need this.

Hindi ko na mapigilan ang pagdaloy ng luha ko. Ang hirap pala. I have been depending on Alfred all these times. Nasanay na akong nandiyan siya palagi. My life is actually him. This loneliness is killing me. Kakaalis pa lang niya pero ang bigat na sa pakiramdam.

I have to sort this out, really think things through. Hindi na pwede na habangbuhay na lang ako mag-iisip na ‘what if ganito, what if ganyan’. If I really want to invest on a future with Alfred, I have to get rid of Vic all together. Si Alfred ang gusto ko makasama habangbuhay. Diyan ako sigurado.