Family Ties

Chapter One

I push my hand nervously through my strawberry blond hair whilst I watch the people pass by while sitting on the bench in front of the library where I work. London is a busy city, crowded with people who live there or who are just visiting but they are all living their own lives, creating their own story. Nobody thinks about the person to the left of them or behind them, a person can go through the most horrible things and their neighbour or their co-workers won't notice or don't want to notice because they are too busy with themselves, their own problems, their own dreams. Are they following their hearts? Or their minds? What's best to choose?
When I was a young girl, my parents told me that I was too dramatic, they told me to think rationally and not be emotional and that's what I have tried to do, but after that horrible night last week, I'm done with being rational.

The early morning light peeped through the curtains which nobody closed last night, the cold February sun was shining down on my face, waking me up far too early for my liking. I opened my eyes, he was laying on his back in his usual spot next to me, still asleep, his lips parted while hard snores coming out of his mouth, his naked chest slowly rising and falling, one hand above his head while the other one lays next to him.
I can't believe I once fell in love with this man, I was especially attracted to his intelligence, he is the smartest person I have ever met and he isn't bad looking either. He has ocean blue eyes to drown in, a wide, charming smile. When I met him, he was well built but in the two and a half years that I have known him he has started to train with weights and he has gotten really buff. In my opinion it's a bit too much, he almost looks like a bodybuilder. He says he trains this much because it's a stress reliever but I don't believe him, he wants to look like this, he wants to be intimidating.
Even watching him grosses me out, he isn't the man who I fell in love with any more, he is harsh, mean and he doesn't care about other people's feelings, not even the feelings of his girlfriend or his own mother.
I turn away from him, I don't want to see his arseface any more. On my side I can look through the window, watch the grey clouds travelling by, waiting to open their doors so that the rain can start falling.

My body hurts, even the light touch of the sheet hurts my bare back. I should have gotten into my pyjama's last night but I was in too much pain to move so I covered myself up with my favourite yellow sheets and tried to sleep and forget about everything that happened.

I pull my knees against my chest and my eyes fill themselves with tears when I feel the pain in my core. I ask myself, how can someone so smart, intelligent and confident end up like this?When he stirs, my body stiffens and fear kicks in. Rather fast I close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping in case he wakes up, I know I will have to see him but I can't handle a confrontation at the moment. Fortunately he keeps sleeping, I close my eyes and let my mind drift to a time when everything was better while hoping I will dream about that.

There on the bench in front of the place I work I decide I will follow my heart this time, I will choose what's best for me. No more making up excuses. Today I will start working on my new life, now I just need to figure out how I'm going to do this without him getting suspicious.

I have always loved to read, so when I got this job offer four years ago I was ecstatic. In the past few years this place has become my happy, safe place, I love everything about this library, the smell of the books, ink and paper, the cosy nooks with red and blue pillows where you can snuggle up with a book, the computer corner where you can meet older people who want to learn to use the computers or students who are here for research and need help. There always is a pleasant atmosphere, young and old mingle and help each other, laughing and joking with each other. I know I will miss it all but I can't keep going like this, it will kill me if I do.

"Susan, can I talk to you for a minute?" I ask my boss, who is also one of my closest friends.
"Sure love, what can I do for you?" the tiny redhead shoots me her sweet smile and I feel a lump forming in my throat. I swallow it away and look around, we are standing near the information desk in the middle of the busy library, my colleague Marie, who is also the biggest gossip in the place is busy helping people with their queries and three people are waiting in a line in front of the desk. This isn't a good place to talk, everyone can hear us and I definitely don't want anybody else to hear what I have to say.
"Can we talk in private please?" Susan nods and starts to walk away and I follow her.