My Big Bad Alpha

Chapter Forty-Six

TRIGGER WARNING: Infertility

Jaxon's P.O.V.
It broke my heart to see her this way. She was so excited when I told her that I wanted to start trying for a pup just as much as she did, but then a month went by with no sign she was pregnant, and then a month turned into two and so on. While I always knew I wanted a big family I had started to consider that maybe having pups just wasn't in the cards for us. And while it wasn't what I imagined for my life I knew that as long as I had Abigail I would be okay. Maybe we could find a pup somewhere to adopt as our own one day, goddess knows there were plenty of pups who were left as orphans losing their parents mostly in battle. But I knew it would hurt Abigail if I told her that so I just kept it to myself and we kept trying. And trying, so far our attempts had been useless. Lyssa had recommended a while back that she try some type of herbs and even with them we had no luck for whatever reason it seemed like we were doomed from the start. We had things down to a routine, and while just like any other male I loved having her all to myself it seemed like mating had become a chore for the both of us. It wasn't about love any more, it was about a pup. Being the idiot I am decided to tell that to Abigail.

"I just think that maybe we need to take a break." I remember saying to her. The look on her face nearly killed me. I knew how badly she wanted this but it was clear to the both of us that not a single thing was happening right now and I thought maybe a break would be good for the both of us. Mentally and physically. It was putting a lot of strain on her which radiated to our bond and it was hurting the both of us. "What do you mean?" She asked quietly. She knew what I meant and I knew that, I sighed. There was no way to tell her what I was actually thinking without hurting her feelings but she needed to know, things needed to be put out into the open. "Sex Abi, We need to take a break." I clarified bluntly. She looked as if I had just slapped her, and I should have expected it. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy conversation. "Why? I thought you wanted this too?" My heart sank, I did want it. Just as badly as she did but I couldn't risk ruining our relationship in the process and that is where we were headed. We didn't have time for ourselves, everything she did revolved around a pup. Doctors appointments, dates, bedtime routines. Everything. "It's been months, and it consumes your every thought. This isn't healthy, not for you or our relationship. You don't even know what goes on with the pack half of the time, you don't hang out with your friends, hell you barely get out of this room. When is the last time you even shifted?" I didn't want to argue with her, in fact that was the last thing I wanted. But I was starting to get worried about her, she wasn't herself anymore. But while she was my mate, she was also a Luna and in all of this trying and failing she was abandoning her pack. Across the room she sat down on the bed. I knew it had been at least a month since her wolf had been out, and that wasn't healthy either. We were outdoor creatures, staying cooped up inside wasn't good for the human mind or the wolf. I was surprised her wolf let her go this long without shifting to begin with. Expecting her to lash out I waited quietly. "So you just want to stop trying?" She questioned not even looking at me. "Just for a while, all this stress isn't helping anything and you know it. Abigail I can't even kiss you anymore without it turning into something, sometimes I just want to be with my mate and I can't even do that because all you're concerned about is a pup." It was true. There was rarely a time when I could simply hug her or kiss her without it turning into sex because she relished any opportunity and not because it was out of love or even lust. "Well excuse me for wanting to have a baby Jaxon." She snapped. There it was, the anger I was waiting for, she hardly ever called me by my full name anymore. While this wasn't a fight I wanted to have I hoped that maybe not only would she see my point but that maybe letting some of the anger out would make her feel better inside because I knew it was taking a toll on her. The argument was now unavoidable so I tried to tread lightly. Walking over to her I chose my words carefully. "You know that's what I want too, but you are my first priority and you aren't healthy. The constant worry and anxiety about if this is going to be the month isn't good for you. And you've quit going to therapy so you don't talk to anyone about it, it all gets bottled up for you to deal with alone because for whatever reason you think that this isn't hurting me too. Do you think I like seeing you like this? Or that I like hearing you say, month after month, that it's another negative? Because I don't. It kills me to hear that yet again I don't get to be a father, and we don't know why. So yes I want to stop for a while. I want to work on you and me again because quite frankly I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore and I hate it. I love you and I want a family with you more than anything but I refuse to lose you in the process."