𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐚

17; étouffement

29th of November, 2018
Xavier Robson

Dear Amaya,

you've been haunting me in a different way the past week and as terrifying as it feels, my world is okay.

Corbyn stayed the night of thanksgiving and as Monday rolled around, he was far from forgetting our intimate moments at two in the morning. my classes were average, my friends were the same but Corbyn and I were off the planet. In passing moments between classes he's pull me into empty spaces to tell me I'm beautiful, compliment me or even gently place a kiss on my lips before running to his next class leaving me flustered. It's been happening all week and it's honestly been keeping me on top of my toes and the constant affection was a foreign concept to me. Walking the halls today he continued telling this story of how mad his mother is at him for burning something in their microwave but I wasn't listening, my mind tumbling his words from thanksgiving over and over, I'm haunting myself?

How can I bring you upon me?
you've stood in the corners of rooms, in the middle of fields, on velvet seats, anything, you have been there. why would I do it to myself?

"hey what's wrong?" turning the emptier hallways, his arms slide across my lower back, circling around my waist. His cologne smells amazing as I'm pressed against his arm walking with no smile across my face

"nothing, just thinking" he pouts his eyebrows furrowing as his icy blue eyes trace my face in search of sadness but I cover it everytime

"something is wrong"

"corbyn it's fine-"

"no it's not. you can't keep drowning yourself in your own trapped mind Xavier. I care about you so much more than you realise and I wish you could see yourself in my eyes because beside the fact that you are absolutely stunning, you are full of sadness only you have created" the words weighted on my chest and within seconds tears were brimming my waterline. how could he say that?

"you wouldn't know Corbyn."

"I have been around long enough" he whispers as we continue across the freezing outside path, his body keeping my small frame warm as we make it to the bleachers. Letting go gently of me he holds his hands out, fully knowing how unstable I will be with my boots on the thin ice of each bench. Gripping my cold fingers he slowly helps me up as my mind races.

Amaya, does Corbyn know me?
Am I as sad as he makes me out to be?

reaching the room I hear laughter among Finn, Kayla, Daniel and a different voice. Instantly I freeze up more than I already was as I come face to face with another boy I hadn't seen before. He looked younger than us and had brown hair and eyes. Corbyn smiles at me as I look back confused knowing he was the one to invite him immediately.

"um hi I'm Zach Herron" hearing his name I remembered hearing his name and the stories that are told with it. He was the youngest captain of the basketball until he completely disappeared for half a year, not a single soul knowing where he was. When summer was over he came back to no friends, no popularity and no position of the basketball team.

"Zach. How's it going buddy?" asks Corbyn, the pair 'bro' handshaking before they both looked at me curiously.

"Xavier. Xavier Robson"

"I've heard about you" raising my eyebrows, Corbyn laughs awkwardly going red as the room looks around.

"okay why haven't you spoken french to him yet?" wines Daniel as Kayla laughs gently, the rest of us sitting around resuming usual positions.

"tais-toi {shut up} daniel" I say, rolling my eyes gently in a humorous way which makes Corbyn chuckle as he sits down beside me.

"she's not that open but she'll warm up to you Zach" Kayla says gently touching his knee as he looks at me in fear, I honestly wanted to laugh but I couldn't give Corbyn the satisfaction.

"Ravi- de vous- um rencontrer {nice to meet you" my eyes widen as do Corbyns as the boy stutters out a bit of french in my direction.

"il peut rester {he can stay}" I whisper to Corbyn who could sense how impressed I was as I had over a stack of uno cards to the young boy.

"welcome Zach." he beams brightly, looking across at Daniel who smiles awkwardly shuffling his cards. I notice the interaction as Daniel looks over at Kayla and Finn who laugh at something the blonde boy said. It wasn't jealousy as I had thought it would be... it was more, fear.

the day continued on from lunchtime and while I was still fuming over what Corbyn said I couldn't resist his smile as he left me for his class. I couldn't be mad at the man child if I tried. The class went on and while I was listening my mind kept wondering back and around to you amaya, the questions consuming my mind.

"what should I do?"
I whispered as I stared at you by the teachers desk, staring deadpanned at me. you're eyes still beautiful as they always were but the aggression building until I was choking on air.

I need you.

I'm coming.

"may I have a toilet pass?"