𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐚

19; sur de soi?

4th of December, 2018
Xavier Robson

Dear Amaya,

It's been weird lately or should I say for the past week, you are so regular and my throat tightens with such a force - I'm suffocating. I just wish I could make things right but I can't resurrect you from the dead.

You are just as beautiful in death as in life.
It hurts.

"Do you think they'll find us one day?" Kayla giggles as she stands on the only stool in the little room to tape up some silver tinsel to the wall with the support.

"Absolutely not" Daniel snorts as he holds the other end of the tinsel balancing on the desk in a stupid position, his tongue half out of his mouth. I fiddle aimlessly with the little fairy lights I bought all tangled and coiled around each other. The door opens and closes beside me, my attention grabbed by no one other than the blonde my mind had been thinking about in every spare moment since last week..

I can imagine my eyes as I stare at the blonde who is cheesing while biting his lip;

"Please Xavier. I want nothing else."

Girlfriend? Girlfriend!? I'd hadn't been anyone's for years, maybe since 8th grade. My heart was beating quickly but my body felt warm within his arms. Corbyn's arms. He was right we never planned for any of this. I stutter flustered my face twisting awkwardly, he giggles gently kissing my temple quickly,

"Yes, Okay? yes" he smiles harder pulling his hands up to my face and bringing us together once more perfectly.

"Hehe lets go" he whispers pulling me to his side and walking away from the bleachers to his car.

It was hard because I didn't even remember how to be a girlfriend or how to tell anyone that I was one. Glaring deeply at the lights I wondered how people lived without questioning their every move and every presence. Looking around the room I see each of my friends gently moving throughout the space, the Christmas spirit laced through our blood streams but people I hadn't expected to be around 5 months ago. I couldn't believe how close we'd become in that short period of time, heck I even got a boyfriend in that time.

Innocently, Corbyn walks directly to me with an excited grin "guess what?"

"Hmmm qu'Est-ce que c'est? {what is it?}"

"Arghhh... I'm gonna pretend I understood that. I posted a video online a few nights ago and it blew up! Isn't that crazy" I smile genuinely at the boy, happy for him I didn't get the whole hype of going viral but he sure seemed happy for it to do well.

"That's awesome! I'll have to make sure I leave a comment" his face beams before he notices our proximity and shifts away casually heading straight to Daniel. You can see the conversation catch alight probably about science or music something they both enjoy.

The room was coming to light, literally, with the fairy lights that I finally managed to untangle and the tinsel hung from the shelves of the boring scorer's room. It felt like home and there was even mention of a Christmas tree. I don't know how I feel about Christmas anymore Amaya, something is different as usual - maybe it is my mind creating you everywhere I see or the fact that emotion feels harder to naturally feel when everything is so joyful but my heart still feels broken-

"Hey," the brown-haired, young boy sits down next to me confidently with a large grin,

"Hey" I smile politely as Zach crosses his legs beside me before looking back up at me, he seemed pretty comfortable with me even with the lack of conversations we have had since his introduction. I nervously sit watching Kayla and Finn try to pin up the last piece of the lights without laughing and its just not going to plan, surely something is there between the two. It's horrible to think how with everything going on my head I forget about what matters most, I haven't done anything with these guys for ages and should have been more active in what they are doing.

"So... how's it going?" I try not to snort at his question but admire his raspy tone, it's so different I'm sure other girls love it,

"It's... going, how are you?" he laughs gently nodding at the relatable statement

"I'm good, feeling really good the past couple of weeks. Hoping Christmas comes quicker" I grin as everyone starts sitting around like usual as we continue our conversation before the Uno gets bought out and it gets heated. I like Corbyn but I do not respect the number of skips and plus 2 cards he played on me. I'm enjoying how Zach is fitting in so easily with us even with the slight age gap, he's company is very calming and I find myself very involved in what he was saying outside of the card game. But the more I looked at his face as I spoke, the more I noticed the uncomfortable shift of his eyes and the weird way his hand tugged slightly at his shirt as if to conceal himself.

The "bell" went and the game was cleared quickly as phones and empty lunch containers were collected but as Zach went to leave I quickly grabbed his sleeve,

"are you free this afternoon? we could grab a coffee or something?" he smiles brightly nodding

"yes, that would be good. Meet you outside the front" and with that, he left rushing to English where Mrs Tumbridge was known to be harsh on those who were late.

I slowly followed them all only to be tugged back by Corbyn who smirked as he stared down at me. "thought you could leave without a kiss, silly girl" he whispered leaning down and pressing his soft lips to mine gently and my fears melted away for the seconds he kissed me.