Change me (Taylor caniff)

Chapter 20

Sometimes I wonder if I was put on the earth for a purpose. Maybe to encourage others, maybe to help others make it through what I did. Many people struggle every day with what I did. Maybe I can help them.

I pulled my camera out from a box and set it on the dresser. I grabbed a chair and sat down in front of it. As the red light blinked signaling it was recording I began to talk.

"Hey. I'm Bailee. I struggled with anxiety, depression, and many other disorders a while ago. I know many people struggle with it and I thought I could help." I stopped for a minute and took a deep breath.

"I used to be a party girl who stayed drunk all the time. I only did that to hide my feelings. People will tell you it will make things better, but in reality it makes them worse. I lost friends. I lost everything. No one cared to hang around me anymore. I was alone once again. When I was little I always was a happy kid. Then In middle school depression hit me. I thought no one would fall in love with me. I'd be Lonely forever. I thought I was ugly. Just because I didn't look like the popular kids. I began to cut. It only made things worse. Sometimes I thought about suicide. I tried a few times but evey time something stopped me. A voice in my head telling me everything would get better. Telling me I would make it. I pushed the voice away and kept telling my self I wasn't worth it. I had no friends. I was that weird kid who sat by theirselves in the back of the classroom. My parents told me everything would be fine. Like depression was something that could be remedied with the contents of a first aid kit. They didn't really care. No one did."

"High school then began. I began drinking and partying. I made friends. But they weren't true friends. They only used me. Sometimes all the sh*t you here isn't always true. They told me if I smoked I would feel great. I did. It made me feel better until I realized what I was doing. I was killing my self. Every time I brought the cigarette I took the chances of dieing. Soon I met some of my brothers friends. I knew they wouldn't like me. But I was wrong. Soon I began to fall in love with one. He helped me stop everything. I then realized how I basically was ruining my life. I was taking away all the years of my life to come. I wouldn't get to walk down the aisle. I wouldn't get to be a mother. I wouldn't get to be a wife. I tried to be a better person. Trust me it's hard as hell to get over it. The voices came back in my head. But this time they congratulated me. I honestly thought I was going insane. I soon realized that the voices were God.

God can help you through anything. Just because you think you're not worth it doesn't mean God does to. God loves you. He made each of us unique. If you ever need someone to talk to, talk to God. Next I realized everything was getting better. Before I go I just want you to all promise me one thing, to never hurt yourself again. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here. I went through it. You can too" I turned the camera off and plugged it into my computer. I watched as the numbers slowly increased until it finally uploaded to youtube.

I closed my computer and grabbed my phone. I dialed Taylor's number and held the phone to my ear. "Hey babe" my heart melted at his words. "Hey" I said back. "How are you?" He asked. "Okay. I miss you" I sighed. "I miss you more than ever." He said "I...I have to go" I stuttered. "What's wrong babe?" He asked. "Nothing" I lied. "Bailee. I know something's wrong" he said. "I just. I feel like you've moved on." I said. "Baby, I'll never move on. You're all I ever think about. Ever since you've left I've sat in my room by myself wishing I could hold you in my arms. I've cried so many times. I know it seems stupid but I actually have." He said. "Taylor. I love you so much." I said as tears rolled down my cheeks. "I love you." He said. "I have to go now" I said. "Bye Bailee. I love you so much and never think that I don't love you. Sweet dreams babe" he said. "Bye. I love you" I said before I hung up. I got into bed and closed my eyes.

"Bailee get up" I woke up to my aunt banging on my door. I rolled my eyes and stood up. I opened the door. She turned around and walked away. I closed the door and again and walked to my laptop. I typed my password in and went to youtube. I had 1000 views and 200 subscribers. Everybody was commenting about how it was very inspirational. I automatically smiled. It feels amazing knowing you can help people.

My phone vibrated taking my attention away from the computer. It was a text from Taylor. It read..

I watched your video babe. It was amazing. I can't believe I have such an amazing, wonderful and inspirational girlfriend. I just wanted to let you know I love you so so so so much. Nothing will ever change my affection for you. No matter how many fights we get in, how many times you say you hate me, I will always love you. I f*cking love you so much. I know I sound stupid and overly attached sometimes but I can't help it. You're like a drug. You draw me in closer every time. You make me want you 24/7. I can't love without you. People say never to fall in love because eventually they will break your heart, but I don't care. Break my heart and I'll still come running back. When I was younger I was always jealous of my friend because he has this girl names Chrissy, who was his everything. I got so mad because no one liked me. Now you're my Chrissy. Honestly you're the only person I've ever loved this much. As soon as I saw you I knew you truly wasn't like that. I was right. Truly you're a sweet, innocent, kind, and loving person. I saw this girl on the streets today who looked just Ike you. I walked up to he and told her that she looked liked my beautiful girlfriend. She smiled so big. I teared upbecause I imagined that girl being you. I can't wait to see you. I love you and I hope up have an amazing day.

~Taylor

He's so sweet and yet I'm so rude. I feel like I don't even care anymore. I talk to him once a day, when I could talk to him more. I honestly don't think it'll work anymore.